Parenting less for more
Back during the Cold War, a nuclear arms race developed between the Soviet Union and the United States wherein both countries competed to produce and amass more powerful weapons in an escalating and never-ending manner. The situation was later aptly described as MAD (Mutual Assured Destruction) and almost led to the annihilation of humanity. Today, a similar phenomenon is taking place in many households in what some experts call an “undeclared war on childhood.”
In our high-speed and “win at all costs” society, it seems that the goal of modern-day parenting is to make our children bypass childhood and leapfrog directly into adulthood. We allow our kids to be bombarded with so much content from media and offer them too many choices while at the same time giving them little time to process everything. In our grade-conscious mindset, we put them in tutoring classes for entire weekends even when they’re actually doing well in school. One parent explained to me that a grade of 94 may not be enough and that there still might be a chance for the son to hit 96. Even without any signified interest from the child, we enroll them in countless formal and structured extra-curricular programs from sports to music. We justify doing all of these things with the desire to give our children that crucial edge that will enable them to “win” and to do better than other kids later on in life. Yet as I wrote in a previous article, new studies show that there may be no long-term advantages to “starting early.” And any short-term advances eventually disappear with normal maturation. Moreover, the unwarranted stress on the kids accumulates and may result in what noted family counselor and Waldorf educator Kim John Payne, M.Ed. describes as “soul fever.” It is the emotional equivalent of a physical fever. And just like a regular fever, the stress can completely consume a child and lead to emotional and behavioral problems.
In his groundbreaking book, Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids, Payne challenges parents to look at their kids’ childhood as an “unfolding experience” rather than an “enrichment opportunity.” He says that if we look at it as an enrichment opportunity, then we will end up treating parenthood as if it was a competitive sport. It will be like an arms race where parents are forever trying to get the most for their kids. According to Payne, “This is fundamentally a con, and not healthy.” He says that parents should instead slow down and simplify their children’s lives. We need to give our kids a “protective filter” that will preserve the pace and playful essence of childhood. He contends that this will not only allow our kids to grow in a proper and natural manner, it will also contribute to better family harmony. Payne identifies four key parenting areas that can be simplified:
• Home environment: We need to “de-clutter” our kid’s environment. Children have too many toys, books, gadgets, clothes, etc. crammed into their bedrooms. Having less will actually enable them to focus and enjoy things more. De-cluttering opens up space for creativity. Having fewer toys, for instance, increases the chances for imagination because the “one toy becomes many things as opposed to many toys becoming only one thing each.”
• Kid’s schedule: Remember that parenting is not a contest. Carefully consider the pros and cons of organized sports and other “enrichment” activities. Too many activities may not only overwhelm children, it may also limit their ability to motivate and direct themselves. Give them breaks and time to play on their own. Realize that “boredom is the precursor to creativity.”
• Rhythms and rituals: We need to put more predictability and stability in our children’s lives. “Predictability (routines) and transparency (knowing the day’s plan) are soothing pressure valves for children.” Time for regular family gatherings where the whole family can relax and freely talk to one other without distractions, such as evening mealtimes, should be protected.
• Filter out the adult world: We should minimize the exposure of our children to adult concerns and inappropriate adult conversations. What we talk about affects the mood that we create in our homes. Payne suggests that before we speak in front of our children, we need to pause and ask ourselves three simple questions: “Is it true, kind, and necessary?” Filtering out the adult world also means scaling back on media (especially electronic media) in order to limit the endless and often inappropriate deluge of information and stimulation that our kids are subjected to.
Fortunately for the world, Reagan and Gorbachev fostered a more lasting détente between their two countries in the late 1980s to end the Cold War. While the world is still a dangerous place, the Armageddon clock has at least been reset. In the same manner, the concepts that Payne proclaims may not be the magic solution that every parent is looking for. However, I do believe that society needs to protect and preserve our kids’ childhood and not to seemingly declare war on it. The parents’ role is not to try to accelerate their children’s growth but rather, as author Lisa Ross writes, to try to create a “sanctuary that nurtures children’s identity, well-being, and resiliency as they grow slowly into themselves.” Paradoxically, one effective way of doing this is by actually trusting our children more and by parenting less.
‘Adult health begins in childhood’ workshop- - -
Meet the pioneers of Steiner early childhood education in the Philippines, Bella and Jake Tan, in a one-and-a-half day workshop entitled “Adult Health Begins in Childhood” at the ISIP Center in Makati. The workshop will show how understanding the early stages of a child’s development and knowing about age-appropriate intervention can help parents bring up healthier children. For details, call the ISIP Center at 899-4675 or 09474485119.
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