Why parents should talk to their teens about sex

MANILA, Philippines - Cathy, an incoming freshman from an exclusive college in Manila, approached her mother once to ask her about sex. Instead of an answer, what Cathy got was a scolding as her mother accused her of already engaging in premarital sex. Truth is, Cathy is single and still a virgin. She was just plain curious about sex as most teenagers are.

The story above illustrates the common experience of Filipino teenagers when they try to confront their parents with questions regarding sex. When it comes to the subject, it seems that most Filipino parents avoid talking about sex and prefer that their children learn the subject somewhere else and not at home. What parents fail to realize is that just because they don’t talk about sex with their children, it does not mean that their teenagers do not think about it.

Pamela Averion, a gender studies instructor and resource person on gender, sexuality and reproductive health, says that it is fear that is preventing parents from talking to their children about sex. “Parents are afraid that talking to their children about sex will cause them to become promiscuous,” she explains.

If ever they do talk about sex, parents often fail to get past the “sex is sacred” talk which does not address the most pressing concerns of adolescents when it comes to the subject.

Because of the lack of parental guidance on the subject of sex, young adults are forced to obtain sex-related information from alternative sources such as school, peers, and mass media. Unfortunately, these alternatives often offer inadequate, misleading or even conflicting information regarding sex.

This puts sex in a “zone of contradiction” says Averion, whose career choice to teach sexuality to the youth stems from her own experience of being “totally in the dark” about sex-related issues.

Wrong information on sex often leads to wrong decisions according to Averion. “I feel for the young women who. because of lack of information or too much misinformation from various sources. cannot make informed decisions about their bodies and about their lives,” she says. “So they end up having unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.”

There are also some parents of adolescent kids who avoid talking about sex thinking that their children are still too young to be affected by the subject. The results of the most recent Young Adult Fertility Study (YAFS), a research initiative undertaken by the University of the Philippines Population Institute and the Demographic Research and Development Foundation in 2002, may make them reconsider. According to the study, more than a fifth or 23 percent of Filipino youth (15 to 24 years old) have had premarital sex. While 57 percent of first-sex experiences of young individuals were not planned, or something that they did not want to happen.

The YAFS also shows that today’s youth have a more liberal view about sex and related matters. According to the study, more than 40 percent of the youth think that it is alright for young men to engage in sex prior to marriage. The corresponding approval rate for young women is about a half of that of the males (22 percent).

Another interesting, if not alarming, finding of YAFS is that very commonly, early sexual experiences do not involve protection from unplanned pregnancy. The study says that 79 percent of first sexual experiences and 75 percent of most recent sexual experiences occur without contraception. The study also reports that about 162,000 or 10 percent of all births in the Philippines occur to teenage mothers (15-19 years old). Moreover, the study estimates that 400,000 abortions are performed in the country every year, 36 percent of these involve young women. 

Parents need to realize that talking to their teenaged children about sex does not necessarily mean that they are permitting them to be promiscuous; rather, it simply opens up avenues for discussion regarding the subject. By opening communication channels on sex and related matters such as love, relationship and pregnancy, parents make themselves approachable and accessible and their children wouldn’t have to look for other sources of sex-related information.

Here are some helpful tips when discussing sex with your teenager to help them make informed decisions:

1. Keep calm. If your teenager opens up topics on sex, don’t overreact. This does not automatically mean that your teenager is sexually active. This might just mean he/she is starting to be curious. View this as your chance to open up and start a conversation on sex with your teenager.

2. Understand where they are coming from. You have been a teenager as well. You know and understand that it is normal to start to be curious about love, relationship, and sex at this age.

3. Be “askable”. Resist the urge to lecture. Your teenager should not feel that you are trying to catch them if they are already having sex. Start a conversation instead and make them feel they can ask you anything without judging them.

4. Provide the right information. Wrong information often leads to wrong and sometimes regretful decisions. It is important to discuss the different options on contraception that is available for them. This does not mean that you are permitting them to have sex now but rather providing them information that will help them be responsible later on. Fact-based information on condoms, oral contraceptive pills, injectables, and intrauterine device (IUD) will help your teenager make thoughtful and responsible decisions.