Family matters

I  remember being struck by a song in a popular children’s video I was watching with my daughter. The song was about families and how we have different kinds (there was one where the dad was far away, one where the head was the grandma, etc.). The main theme of the song was for us to accept that families now come in “all different sizes and different kinds.” Some families have both parents; others live in a single-parent household; some live with a caregiver. But in all instances, you are still a complete family.   The song made me realize that we now live in a very different world from when there was typically a father, a mother, and two children.

There are definitely many new situations that modern Filipino families face, and stressors that were not there before, or have been magnified by the times. Two-income families are more the norm now, especially in big cities, and for many, this is not a choice. Single parents are on the rise, whether by separation, accidental pregnancies (or planned), or other reasons. The OFW phenomenon has brought with it a new breed of challenges for the Filipino families left behind. Many OFW children grow up parentless, with guardians often being poor substitutes for the real thing. The spouses left behind, too, are often confused about their role as both Mom and Dad, and many are overwhelmed by the responsibility left on their shoulders.

CHALLENGES OF THE MODERN FAMILY 

Many of us have long realized that keeping a family together is no easy task nowadays. Where there used to be a wide network of emotional support from extended family and friends, several families now find themselves quite alone to face their issues. The media does not help either, with numerous shows glorifying things that may be damaging to the family, such as extramarital affairs and premarital sex. The Internet has brought with it its own brand of challenges for the modern family, with many family members preferring to network with cyber pals (not to mention that a rather huge portion of Internet sites are pornographic as well) rather than have face-to-face conversations with loved ones at home.

Some of the basic family values of communication, spirituality, and mentoring are, if not lost, minimized by society. In many families, for instance, communication has become a one-way street, and for countless individuals, the art of listening has been lost. As for spirituality, God-centered families are being replaced by consumerism, and spirituality takes a back seat to what may seem “important” for the moment. And because of the need for two-income families, the value of mentoring between parent and child has been replaced by children being mentored by the media and the caregivers, and many of these children end up with the values of their mentors.

Family Closeness Vs Independence

Many Filipinos will say that they are close to their family members (although you will find that there are varying degrees and definitions of closeness). But many will agree that closeness is really important in a family. People need to feel that they belong and are loved by a certain group. But while this is good, one must balance this closeness and help family members nurture and develop their uniqueness as a person.

Family traditions promote a sense of identity and feeling of belongingness, and create feelings of continuity between generations. Many Filipino families have traditions centered around the Christmas season, such as attending simbang gabi together, eating noche buena and media noche.  The best families keep many old traditions, and find ways to tweak them and maintain their spirit, even with the changing times.

One of the greatest paradoxes lies in the Filipino OFW phenomenon. One leaves so that one may provide for the family, but in the end, it is also the family that suffers the most, and often- times, ends up broken.

Despite the modern-day challenges, and the temptation to feel sentimental about the time-honored families of the past, we must acknowledge that the modern climate brings many opportunities that were not there before, especially for families. 

Conventional man-woman roles now seem fuzzy, and we see more dads changing diapers in this era and taking a more active role with their children than ever before.

Apostolate of Fr. Ruben Tanseco

In the midst of all the modern-day challenges and seemingly conflicting needs and values, there are places where the family can get help or opportunities to improve their relationship. The Center for Family Ministries (CeFam) of the Ateneo de Manila University, offers such help and support. This ministry started as Fr. Ruben M. Tanseco, SJ’s personal apostolate when he introduced Marriage Encounter (ME) in 1969, and is now the Society of Jesus’ official ministry to families. Since then, CeFam has pioneered the psycho-spiritual approach in their counseling services. Their pool of professional family counselors attends to concerns of individuals, couples, and families. They also hold growth seminars and academic training programs for those who wish to be trained as counselors. CeFam is also known for the workshops they conduct like the positive empowered parenting of teens and kids (PEP teens and kids), pre-Cana seminars for pre-marital couples and, of course, the marriage adjustment program for couples looking to enrich their marital experience. 

I remember when my teenage daughter would cry herself to sleep at night. So many things were happening in her life. She had changed schools, had friends who had problems, and, her lolo was diagnosed with cancer. She saw a counselor in CeFam who listened to her, cried with her, and who later told me that my daughter was experiencing multiple grief, the greatest of which was her lolo’s cancer. She was given some practical tips on how to deal with these, and to this day, she still follows the practical guidelines, and looks forward to the next counseling sessions.

All of us want to have healthy families. But in order to make it work, we have to realize that having a healthy family entails a lot of conscious effort, because happy families don’t happen automatically. If your family is in trouble, take the necessary steps to make it better. Do not be afraid to seek help. If you are happy, then bring your family to the next level. Families are the cornerstone of our society, and, as Fr. Tanseco always says, when there is love and justice in the home, then we find peace, even in our troubled world.

On December 7 to 13, CeFam is celebrating its 20th year in family ministry. In line with this, CeFaM is launching a campaign to promote healthy family values among Filipino families and re-emphasize the role of the family in the growth and development of individuals, organizations, and the nation. 

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Melissa Cruz is a member of CeFam’s parenting group and gives parenting talks and workshops.