Kindergarten Dad begins
Faster than a speeding toddler!
More powerful than an over-protective yaya!
Able to leap (with panicking children in tow) to the mall’s bathroom in a single bound!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s ... huh? It’s Kindergarten Dad!
Welcome to the world of a wannabe superdad whose spaceship unfortunately landed in a planet where kryptonite grows on trees.
Just as the man of steel’s home has exploded, so too has society changed from the time when fathers were just expected to be the good provider and the occasional bad cop (to complement mommy good cop). In this brave new world of modern fatherhood, dads are supposed to be much more involved in their children’s lives. So now, it’s also diapers, carpools, doctors, school plays, field trips, soccer practices, children’s parties, and all the other stuff that were previously all “mom’s business.” One writer has even written that “dads are the new moms.”
The good news is that many fathers are finding it to be much more fulfilling than they thought. In fact, an increasing number of men now rate how much time they can spend with their families as the true mark of success and not just money or career.
For a long time, fathers were also considered second-class citizens when it came to parenting. This notion had perhaps been inadvertently reinforced by Sigmund Freud who stressed the primal importance of the mother-child bond. Experts now agree, however, that dads really do matter! Fathers are not more or less important than moms, just different. Studies suggest that active father involvement results in kids that are more socially well-adjusted, with higher self-esteem, and better learners.
Alas, the bad news is that it’s not only hard work; it’s also a lot harder than it seems. It’s not just the amount of time you have to commit. It’s also the utter lack of certainty on what are the correct things to do. Many modern-day dads probably did not have a hands-on relationship with their own fathers and so have few personal reference points to begin with. Also, most parenting education — magazines, books, etc. — is still directed at moms, not dads. My resume claims that I am “highly skilled in a variety of business skills with high-level local, regional, and global business experience across multiple industries, cultures, and business situations” but nothing has prepared me for these: What is too much TV for kids? When should children start to read? What is the right age for sports? How should I discipline? What educational approach is better — traditional or non-traditional? How should I talk to my children about sex (oh my God!)? The list is frighteningly endless. And so, instead of being a confident daddy Kal-El, it often feels more like Clark Kent or more aptly, Clark Can’t.
I need to tap into the energies of other beings like me out there. I know there are many other dads who are facing a similar fate because of all these damn kryptonites! Through this column then, let us share with each other our thoughts, issues, concerns, questions, answers, or even just simple and mindless daddy-talk. We will also tap experts to guide us, such as the teachers and child-care specialists of the Manila Waldorf School (MWS), the pioneer school of Steiner or Waldorf education in the Philippines. Of course, moms, lolas, lolos, aunties, uncles, and all others are welcome to participate, too. In the name of the fathers, we shall all form some sort of a Daddy Justice League. Even if we will be unable “to uphold truth, justice the American way” and still end up far from being the superdads we aim to be, we can at least keep our sanity together.
The mothers seem to be able to keep their wits together a whole lot better. Perhaps it’s because they go through a natural initiation rite that fathers can never truly comprehend. I haven’t thought of the birth of my children in a while, but the memories remain vivid.
It was such a brutally raw and yet beautiful experience. My wife’s contractions would slowly build up until they came crashing down in tsunami-like waves. Each time the pain viciously washed through her entire being, the fetal heartbeat from the monitor would stop for what seemed like an eternity. I felt like I was drowning as conflicting concerns about my wife and my child suffocated all other thoughts. As I sank deeper into helplessness, like the eye of a storm, there would be a sudden calm. But it only allowed for short gulps of air until it started all over again. And again. And again. It went on relentlessly until nature’s lust for sacrifice was sated. Then finally, life started to wiggle out, inch by inch. Time stood still as I saw creation bloom and flower right in front of my very eyes.
As active as I was in the entire process, I was nevertheless but a mere spectator.
Even as babies emerge from the womb, they are still tied to their mothers. After the umbilical cord is cut, they are separated from her only for an instant. Just moments later, they are in their mother’s bosom, sucking the sweetness of her maternal love.
Perhaps Freud was right after all. Perhaps mothers do have some inside information on parenting that we fathers don’t have. And if parenting was something that had to be taken up in school, by virtue of childbirth alone, mothers would already have a degree.
Whereas we fathers ... well, we have to start from kindergarten. So be it. A “kindergarten” dad shall we begin then.
Someday though, we will become the fathers that we can be. And when that day comes, we will smile as we look into our children’s eyes and say, “Up, up, and away!”
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Tony Montemayor is a parent at the Manila Waldorf School (MWS). Founded in 1994, MWS is the pioneer school of Steiner or Waldorf education in the Philippines and is part of one of the largest and fastest-growing non-traditional educational movements in the world. It offers a full kindergarten to Grade 12 program. E-mail your reactions to kindergartendad@yahoo.com.
