How to effectively discipline your child
Raising children is not an easy job. One of the prime requirements of good parenting is learning how to effectively discipline children. Children have to be taught, guided, and creatively coerced into being self-confident, self-disciplined, properly behaved, sensible, responsible, intelligent, and well-adjusted. Through disciplinary techniques, encouragement, supervision, regulation, and lots of love, children learn to think for themselves, feel good about themselves, develop self-control, and form core values that will help them grow up into responsible and competent adults.The word discipline comes from the root word disciplinare, which means to teach or instruct. It refers to the system of teaching and nurturing that sets rules and parameters of conduct, develops the ability to distinguish right from wrong, inculcates respect for the rights of others, corrects misbehavior, and trains children to be properly indoctrinated in accepted social norms and behavior. The following tips and techniques can help you effectively control and discipline your kids:
• Be a good role model. Children are impressionable and absorb like sponge. Practice what you preach because children mimic what they see, hear, and observe. They even acquire speech patterns and mannerisms of parents and guardians. If you hear your child curse, who do you think did he learn it from?
• Set the rules. Specify the rules, parameters, and limitations of conduct you want your kids to follow. State them clearly and precisely, e.g., make your bed immediately upon waking up, breakfast is at
• Explain why. Children have the amusing but sometimes irritating habit of asking a million “whys.” Think of creative and bright answers; otherwise, your children can outwit you. For very young kids with limited verbal communication skills, draw picture images to explain your point. Defining good behavior helps young minds understand the goal.
• Encourage good behavior. Catch your child doing the right thing and praise him immediately. Give him a hug, kiss, smile or candy if he has been well-behaved and cooperative. Verbalize your approval by saying “You are so helpful!” or “I like it when you…” When praising, mention the specific instance you approve of so they’ll know what they did right.
• Make good behavior fun. Add the element of play when enforcing discipline. If your child is having fun, he is more likely to cooperate and obey. Make a contest of who can pick up the most toys or have a race as to who finishes first in making his bed. To further involve the child, give him choices. Ask, “Would you rather polish the floor or take out the garbage?”
• Establish a reward system to promote good behavior. Giving rewards reinforces the good action your child has done. Tell your child what he did good and reward him immediately. Don’t wait for time to lapse so as not to diminish the reinforcement value of the reward. Distinguish between reward and bribery. Reward is bestowed after doing a good deed while bribery is given before the desired behavior is done. For big achievements and difficult chores, you may reward cash, a strategy which will help teach your child the value of money.
• Use positive verbal reinforcement. Say, “Brush your teeth after every meal so you’ll have beautiful, white, sparkling teeth!” instead of threatening him with, “Don’t forget to brush your teeth or they’ll all decay and fall!” Be very careful about frightening a child; inciting fear can be traumatic for him. Choose your words; calling your child “stupid” will make him stupid.
• Stop undesirable behaviors with a firm “no.” To show you mean business, say “no” while looking your child in the eye. No one reacts well to the word “no,” but you can say no without actually using the word. Deflect the question by saying, “Your dad and I will think about it.” Then, volunteer an alternative solution or activity that will compensate for your “no”.
• Be consistent. Be firm with your rules, policies, methods of discipline, and how you punish your child. Children are so clever; they try to test their limits. If you falter, you will be encouraging more misbehavior. But be flexible, too, and act accordingly depending on the situation.
Dealing with Tantrums and Whining
• Don’t give in to your child when he is crying, whining, or having a temper tantrum. Giving in will only teach him that this kind of behavior is an effective way to get what he wants.
• Distract the child’s attention. This technique works well for very young children. When a child cries and whines for something, divert his focus from what he wants by giving him something else — a toy or something that makes interesting sounds like a rattle or musical instrument — or waving something bright and attractive like a colorful hanky.
• Leave him for a while. When a child stages a temper tantrum, walk away and don’t give him attention for acting inappropriately. Giving your child an audience while he misbehaves can reinforce bad behaviors. Make sure he is safe or is with someone when you leave in case you are in a mall or outside your home.
• Use the time-out technique. Time out is a very effective discipline technique especially for younger school age children. Prepare a time-out chair or corner in a room where the child is isolated from interaction with others. After your child misbehaves, order him to stay there and spend time out from positive or negative reinforcement, including parental yelling or hitting. Punishment time is usually one minute per year of age.
To Spank or Not To Spank
Punishment is the employment of negative stimulus to reduce or eliminate undesirable behavior. There are two types typically used with children: verbal reprimands and physical punishment. Verbal reprimands or scolding are disapproving verbal statements used as a form of punishment for undesired behavior. When used infrequently, reprimands may stop or reduce unwanted behaviors, but if used frequently, they lose their effectiveness and become reinforcers because they provide attention to the child. Physical punishment involves the infliction of physical pain to curb undesirable behavior. This brings to mind the story of the man who, in a blind rage, pounded the hands of his child with a hammer after the little boy accidentally dented the father’s brand-new car with his basketball. The car can be repaired, the boy may forgive the father, but his hands will forever be mangled. Physical punishment has limited effectiveness and deleterious, regrettable side effects.
• Avoid physical punishment. Spanking has never been shown to be better than other forms of punishment and may even make your child more aggressive, rebellious, bitter, and angry. Parents are encouraged to use methods other than spanking and battering as response to undesired behavior.
• When you are so angry, cool off! When you think you are going to lose your temper and all you want to do is hit or scream at your child, take a deep breath and calm down so that you won’t do or say something that you will regret later.
• Withhold privileges. This is a very effective discipline technique, especially for older children. Take away things your child likes or enjoys like playing video games, watching movies and TV, going to the mall, talking on the phone, etc., as consequences for misbehaving. No candies, no allowance, no going out with friends, and other sanctions are truly effective as punishment for undesired behavior.
• Be gentle, loving, and understanding. Instead of being harsh and violent in disciplining your child, use gentle words, caring touch, and nurturing tenderness. Stop using words that hurt; use encouraging words that help. And fill your child’s day with lots of hugs, kisses, fun, and laughter. For really strong-willed, hard-to-control kids and special children, consult your doctor, pediatrician, guidance counselor or school psychologist.
* * *
For your comments or inquiries about the author’s books and seminars, e-mail deroseminar@yahoo.com or text 0905-3130990.
