Is jealousy eating you up?
March 21, 2006 | 12:00am
While out on a date, you and your girlfriend bump into your high school buddy. He is tall, handsome, and accomplished, and you feel that he is flirting with your girl. You think you see her eyes glow as he whispers a compliment. You squirm inside and feel your ears heat up in anger.
Your husband comes home one evening with the faint hint of a woman’s cologne. Your suspicious heart leaps and concludes that he is having an affair. Later, while he sleeps, you go through his pockets and wallet searching for telephone numbers, a dinner receipt or some evidence to confirm your doubts.
Sound familiar? Well, it happens to the best of us – we all have our fits of suspicion and bouts with jealousy. In fact, some people say that unless you feel jealous in a relationship, you are not really in love.
Severe jealousy is an acerbic negative emotion. It refers to a strong, obsessive desire for someone’s exclusive love, attention, and affection. In a personal relationship, it causes someone to doubt the fidelity of his/her partner.
How different is jealousy from envy? Jealousy exists side by side with love, like a dark angel waiting at the wings. Envy has more to do with wanting somebody else’s physical attributes, success, social and economic status, and possessions. Jealousy is angry and possessive; envy is wistful. And while jealousy can turn violent and destructive, envy is usually harmless.
Insecurity is the basic cause of jealousy. Insecurity in yourself, your relationship, and in what you have or don’t have. Jealousy stems from volatile feelings that something about your life is not secure or in danger.
A jealous person is insecure. He is threatened by other people’s confidence, power, and attractiveness. He fears that what he lacks will result in the abandonment by his loved one. Jealous people usually have the selfish notion that they "own" their partner.
Insecurity and loss of trust trigger jealous people to think up scenarios of their loved one being unfaithful. They worry and imagine him/her having a romantic liaison with another person; they fear and worry that he/she might be "stolen" away from them.
A little bit of concerned and controlled jealousy is actually healthy for a relationship. But jealousy turns sour when it becomes obsessive and is accompanied by fixated questioning of loyalty, intense possessiveness, excessive controlling, and wanting to know everything – where he/she’s been, with whom, when, etc.
Uncontrolled obsessive jealousy is dangerous when it leads to physical aggression, violence, battering, and abuse. Some cases even end up in passion homicide caused by rage and temporary insanity.
The major problem with jealousy is that people who are jealous are driven by insecurity, persecution, loneliness, and self-pity. These negative feelings keep them from thinking rationally. Jealousy is one of the harder emotions to deal with and control. Here are a few ideas to consider and mull over if the green monster afflicts you:
• Face your jealousy; don’t deny it. Don’t wait for your emotions to burst before taking action. Jealousy is a signal that something needs fixing in a relationship; disregarding it will only make things worse.
• Realize that you can’t own anyone. Even if you are married, you can’t fully control the emotions and actions of your partner. In reality, you cannot be the sole object of his/her attention and desire.
• Double-check your suspicions. Don’t let imagined, unfounded things ruin your relationship. Verify if what you perceive to be happening is truly happening. Once you are sure, try not to be too negative and harsh in your confrontation.
• Build yourself up. The best thing you can do is to restore your self-confidence and improve your self-esteem. Be beautiful and successful, and make him/her want and love you again. Feeling unattractive? Work on being better-looking and more desirable.
• Restore the trust in your relationship. In the first place, avoid breaking and losing the trust you have for each other. Once lost, your partner’s trust will take a lot of time and effort to gain back.
• Talk it over. Tell your partner exactly what is troubling you. S/he might just have the truthful explanation to dispel your doubts. Communication can close the gap between you and your partner and heal the hurt.
• Establish rules and guidelines. In a relationship, be clear about what you are willing to commit to and what you won’t tolerate. Make sure you are not too restrictive though. Furthermore, always listen to the other person’s side and suggestions.
• Resist prying. Don’t be tempted to go looking for clues or loopholes to reinforce your doubts and suspicions. You will just end up miserable. Besides, snooping will surely turn off your partner and you might just end up losing him/her.
• Consult an unbiased third party. Get the opinion of somebody else to see if your feelings and accusations are valid. Define your problem and ask for solutions. Sharing your feelings will lessen the hurt and sorrow. If all else fails, go for professional counseling.
• Junk jealousy. It’s self-destructive. Realize that all relationships have to be worked on. And pray. Praying helps especially if you do it together.
PS: I will be in San Fernando, Pampanga on Friday, March 31 to give my life-enhancing seminar, "Secret Principles of Wealth and Prosperity." Hope to see all our wonderful Capampangan friends. For info, call April at 0918-9228289 or (045)9617019 local 216. For comments on this article, e-mail DeroSeminar@yahoo.com
Your husband comes home one evening with the faint hint of a woman’s cologne. Your suspicious heart leaps and concludes that he is having an affair. Later, while he sleeps, you go through his pockets and wallet searching for telephone numbers, a dinner receipt or some evidence to confirm your doubts.
Sound familiar? Well, it happens to the best of us – we all have our fits of suspicion and bouts with jealousy. In fact, some people say that unless you feel jealous in a relationship, you are not really in love.
How different is jealousy from envy? Jealousy exists side by side with love, like a dark angel waiting at the wings. Envy has more to do with wanting somebody else’s physical attributes, success, social and economic status, and possessions. Jealousy is angry and possessive; envy is wistful. And while jealousy can turn violent and destructive, envy is usually harmless.
A jealous person is insecure. He is threatened by other people’s confidence, power, and attractiveness. He fears that what he lacks will result in the abandonment by his loved one. Jealous people usually have the selfish notion that they "own" their partner.
Insecurity and loss of trust trigger jealous people to think up scenarios of their loved one being unfaithful. They worry and imagine him/her having a romantic liaison with another person; they fear and worry that he/she might be "stolen" away from them.
Uncontrolled obsessive jealousy is dangerous when it leads to physical aggression, violence, battering, and abuse. Some cases even end up in passion homicide caused by rage and temporary insanity.
• Face your jealousy; don’t deny it. Don’t wait for your emotions to burst before taking action. Jealousy is a signal that something needs fixing in a relationship; disregarding it will only make things worse.
• Realize that you can’t own anyone. Even if you are married, you can’t fully control the emotions and actions of your partner. In reality, you cannot be the sole object of his/her attention and desire.
• Double-check your suspicions. Don’t let imagined, unfounded things ruin your relationship. Verify if what you perceive to be happening is truly happening. Once you are sure, try not to be too negative and harsh in your confrontation.
• Build yourself up. The best thing you can do is to restore your self-confidence and improve your self-esteem. Be beautiful and successful, and make him/her want and love you again. Feeling unattractive? Work on being better-looking and more desirable.
• Restore the trust in your relationship. In the first place, avoid breaking and losing the trust you have for each other. Once lost, your partner’s trust will take a lot of time and effort to gain back.
• Talk it over. Tell your partner exactly what is troubling you. S/he might just have the truthful explanation to dispel your doubts. Communication can close the gap between you and your partner and heal the hurt.
• Establish rules and guidelines. In a relationship, be clear about what you are willing to commit to and what you won’t tolerate. Make sure you are not too restrictive though. Furthermore, always listen to the other person’s side and suggestions.
• Resist prying. Don’t be tempted to go looking for clues or loopholes to reinforce your doubts and suspicions. You will just end up miserable. Besides, snooping will surely turn off your partner and you might just end up losing him/her.
• Consult an unbiased third party. Get the opinion of somebody else to see if your feelings and accusations are valid. Define your problem and ask for solutions. Sharing your feelings will lessen the hurt and sorrow. If all else fails, go for professional counseling.
• Junk jealousy. It’s self-destructive. Realize that all relationships have to be worked on. And pray. Praying helps especially if you do it together.
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