Don’t blow, Mom!
September 7, 2004 | 12:00am
As many of you must have already experienced, it’s virtually impossible for mothers not to lose their temper or get angry especially when dealing with their children. Believe me, I’ve had my moments of explosion and though they were more frequent in the past, I still always end up feeling so guilty when I do blow up on my kids. I know there is always a better way to handle myself, especially when push comes to shove.
The book She’s Gonna Blow by Julie Ann Barnhill has been helping me a lot in terms of understanding where my anger is coming from and why it erupts. It also gives practical advice on how to deal with my anger. I’m glad the author prescribes ways of "dealing" and not "solutions" to anger. After all, feeling angry isn’t wrong. It’s when we are careless with our expression of anger that’s wrong.
I like the way Barnhill compares uncontrolled anger to a volcano because like it, it explodes under pressure. In her book, she introduces four types of volcanic eruptions that she thinks apply to Mount Momma blowups. They are:
1) The Strombolian – It has relatively short eruptions that happen at predictable intervals. The eruptions are perceived to be the least threatening because they’re not really huge but spits out volcanic materials such as cinders and thick, pasty lava bombs. Strombolian erupters are often perceived to go a little overboard with their comments or actions. They seem harmless but still hurt. Some examples are: You ARE such a goood girl! Yeah, right wise guy!
2) The Hawaiian – is mainly characterized by lakes and rivers of constantly boiling lava. It does little damage. The molten rock seethes away its crater and the lava flows through the cracks or fissures downhill to the sea. The lava moves slowly enough, which gives time for people to move away. Many times lava that flows from the Hawaiian eruption disguises itself with a hardened crust that’s black, hiding its orange-hot intensity. When it reaches highways, trees or subdivisions, it leaves destruction. Moms with these types of eruptions never yell or throw things. They usually don’t want to think of themselves as angry but in reality, there’s a lot of turmoil bubbling inside them all the time. Though they seem to be safe for their children to be around them, generally they often are down and negative. Often they say, "I’m not angry. Just concerned." Lava that flows from a Hawaiian mom is often in the form of verbal eruptions like caustic criticisims, negative assessments, unfavorable comparisons, sarcastic barbs, teasing with an edge or negative perceptions of life in general.
3) The Vulcanian – this one expels "viscous" magma in large, gassy explosions. It’s loud, scary and dangerous. A vulcanian mom gets angry for long periods of time. She may throw things and is very irresponsible with her words as a form of releasing her wrath.
4) The Plinian – this is the most violent of all volcanic eruptions. It’s powerful and expels large volumes of lava. It affects a large area. This can be compared to the Mt. Pinatubo eruption wherein we experienced ash fall here in Manila or that of Mt. Saint Helens, which affected areas up to 22,000 square miles from it. A mother who has such eruptions creates terrible disaster that destroys relationships with many people.
Though I can confidently say that I’ve never had a Plinian eruption, I know I have caused hurt and pain to my husband and children even during my mild eruptions. Eruptions, as I have learned, don’t necessarily have to be huge or overrated. The seemingly harmless ones create great damage as well. That’s why I don’t take my eruptions lightly. For me, it’s something that I seriously want to work on so that my loved ones will feel safe and secure around me. In the end, I benefit as well because it takes a great deal of guilt and burden off my shoulders. Plus, I don’t get too stressed out all the time when most of my trying days are spent in dealing with my anger properly.
• Swarms of smaller earthquakes – hours before Mt. Saint Helens blew, hundreds of small earthquakes were detected in Washington. As mothers, those small earthquakes are the pressures that have the tendency to trigger an explosion. We simply cannot remove pressures from our life, but if we pay attention to the mounting pressures surrounding us, we may still have time to think of how we can respond to the situation.
• Physical swelling of the slope – when experts see the odd-looking appearance of a volcano, they usually know that trouble is brewing. Because there’s just not enough room to contain all the magma that’s burning up, it makes the volcano not look right. How does this compare to us, humans? I know my eyebrows start to meet and my tone of voice changes. I feel hot flushes sometimes and get red in the face. I remind them to look for such danger signs and I’ve equipped them with a battle plan for it. And that’s for them to tell me, their mama, "Cut! Take 2 , Mama." That helps me to do my breathing exercises and relax.
1) Take care of my spiritual self by finding time to pray, being quiet, absorbing God’s word and listening to sound advice from my spiritual advisers.
2) Take time to pamper my physical self with exercise, massage or a trip to the parlor.
3) Deal with my emotions by:
a) Making peace with my past, forgiving those who’ve hurt me and accepting situations that seem unbearable for the moment.
b) Realizing that I can’t have everything my way helps eases up tension in me.
c) Talking myself through my anger by describing how I feel, acknowledging where the anger takes its root and the different things I can do to help understand the situation. When it’s an issue with my husband, my sister-in-law has taught me to always think of his good heart who loves me so that I will still have hope that our issue will be settled soon.
d) Remembering what one of my professors, Lilian Juadiong, taught me. That my feelings are never wrong. She says that often, people blame others for their feelings and that’s when trouble erupts. When people learn to own up to their feelings and express to others why they feel that way, conflicts are prevented. According to Teacher Lilian, we should express our feelings using the "I" message. We should say, "I feel hurt when you raise your voice at me." This beats answering back or calling the other person names and telling that person to stop what he/she is doing.
e) Laughing or breaking out in a song when I want to scream. I also try to soften my voice so that I don’t blow up. It’s hard to erupt when you start slow and soft.
f) Giving myself a time out. This is when I find a quiet place to just settle.
g) Taking a cold shower. When my blood is starting to boil, I know a cold shower will make me feel refreshed.
Nobody is perfect. Even though I try to keep my cool, many times I fail. When that happens, we must forgive ourselves and get up again to welcome a new day.
Hope that refreshes you. It’s been a great release writing this.
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