Talking to teens: Praises and punishment
March 16, 2004 | 12:00am
I miss the times when my teen-age son was 3. He was a darling boy, with curly hair and a plump cherub face. I took pride in never having to spank or scold him (well, I spanked him once because I had a bad day and he did not want to take a bath just yet. I ended up crying!) When my first-born was a child, I only had to tell him once, and he would follow. He was the poster boy for altar boys until he was 12.
When he turned 13, he became increasingly sullen and withdrew from us parents. He also was very short-tempered with his brothers. At first, he did not like public showing of affection and then, he did not like affection (from his parents) at all. I was so hurt when he waved me away when I picked him up from basketball practice. It has never been the same since that day. He did not take "because I am your mother and I told you so!" at face value. We also had to seek him out beyond his locked doorknob to know how he was. And that was if he heard us knocking through the blaring rock music!
I considered myself lucky because my other friends’ teen sons were more sullen and withdrawn from them. And their daughters were more emotionally complicated and confused, they ended up always arguing. Or else my friend’s teens answered back, lied, cheated, made takas, smoked, drank, and did things behind their backs.
Even the sweetest teen can be really exasperating at times. They answer back in the guise of "expressing themselves" and they want you off their backs like they can stand on their two skinny legs and live on their weekly allowance already. Nevermind that we mothers put one foot in the grave to birth them, gave up our careers for them, are on call 24 hours a day for them.
"I would rather go back to raising an infant with no sleep, no time to myself. Those are only physical challenges," says my friend. "Raising a teen is so emotionally difficult, specially since I am approaching mid-life myself! My teen is only nice to me when he asks for his cell phone load allowance."
"When our older daughter reached the terrible teens with all the attitude and angst that go with it, my husband and I were shocked at the change in her. She had always been a bright, loving and all-around delightful child. It was almost like starting over with a completely different person masquerading as our daughter. The self-confidence, independence and persistence we had nurtured in her early years were now being used against us," says another set of parents.
According to www.careerparent.com, the most complicated communication traps for most parents occur when occasions warranting either punishment or praise present themselves. So as parents, we must learn to talk so that our teens will listen and also, we must learn to listen so that our teens will learn to talk.
Tina complimented her daughter’s hairstyle saying, "Gee, your hair really looks great today."
Her daughter, Melissa responded with a sulky, "What was wrong with it yesterday?"
Jason responded to his dad’s encouraging, "You pitched an amazing game, today, son!" with an angry, "Well I am a pretty decent pitcher or hadn’t you noticed!"
Most parents of teens find themselves in this bewildering situation from time to time.
The problem arises when we use evaluative words like great or amazing, or phrases like "good boy," or "excellent student." They seem encouraging, which is surely their intent. Yet they subtly imply comparison and can cause feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes the expectation of having to live up to the praise can be quite daunting.
Dr. Ginott recommended using descriptive rather than evaluative praise. Instead of saying, "I can’t remember when your room looked so good! I can actually see the carpeting again!" Try the following:
• Describe what you see.
"Wow, I see a clean floor, books on shelves and clothes on hangers."
• Describe what you feel.
"It’s a pleasure to walk into this room."
• Sum up your teen’s praiseworthy behavior with a descriptive word or phrase.
"This is what I call organization!"
• Don’t expect an immediate or verbalized appreciation from your teen.
It’s not personal. They are just trying to find themselves without your validation.
It’s a big adjustment for us parents. We used to mean the world to our children. But now, when they become this species called teenagers, they can’t wait to erase us out of the picture.
In their best-selling book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, authors Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish present activities to help parents develop skills for more effective communication with our offspring. This new way of communicating with your teen, on occasions calling for punishment or praise, may not come easily. You have to formulate your words carefully and you have to respect the phase they are going through. But think of the rewards. It makes teens feel good about themselves and it gets results.
What could be better for a parent’s self-esteem than that?
The late American child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott pointed out that punishment doesn’t work for this generation of teens. (Although my mom’s version of pinching, slapping, soaping the mouth can sometimes be lusciuosly tempting!) Instead of causing the teen to feel sorry for what he’s done and think about how he might make amends, punishment distracts him with anger toward the parents and preoccupation with revenge and suicidal fantasies. By pushing, we deprive him of the important inner process of facing his own misbehavior and taking responsibility for his actions.
Dr. Ginott recommended the following steps as an alternative to punishment:
• Express your feelings strongly – without attacking character. "I’m furious that my new sweater was taken without my permission and returned soiled and crumpled." (Versus, "I knew it! I can never trust you with anything!")
• State your expectations. "I expect to be asked permission to borrow my things and that they be returned in the same condition they were found, okay?"
• Show the child how to make amends. "This will need to be washed by hand in this special detergent. I’m sure if you soak it first, the stain will come right out." Or, "You can buy me another pair of scissors to replace the one you lost in so-and-so store."
• Give a choice (next time your teen asks to borrow something). "You can borrow my clothes with my permission and return them in the same condition you found them or you can give up the privilege of sharing my things. You decide."
• Take action (if the undesirable behavior continues). Teen: "Mom, your green sweater is not in the drawer!" Mom: "That’s right. For the time being, I need to keep my things where I know they’ll be when I’m ready to wear them."
• Problem solve together. "What could we work out so that you can borrow my clothes, occasionally, and so that I can always be sure they are ready for me when I want to wear them?"
By using this non-confrontational process, we can help our teens deal with their problem behaviors without creating a conflict, and allow them to face the consequences of their behavior without shame. Each time we show respect for a teenager’s feelings, offer a choice or give a chance to solve a problem, they grow in confidence and self-esteem. This instills an appreciation and acceptance for accountability that will carry over into work and other aspects of adult life.
Surely praise would seem to be another good way to help develop healthy self-esteem. However, praise can be a tricky business.
When he turned 13, he became increasingly sullen and withdrew from us parents. He also was very short-tempered with his brothers. At first, he did not like public showing of affection and then, he did not like affection (from his parents) at all. I was so hurt when he waved me away when I picked him up from basketball practice. It has never been the same since that day. He did not take "because I am your mother and I told you so!" at face value. We also had to seek him out beyond his locked doorknob to know how he was. And that was if he heard us knocking through the blaring rock music!
I considered myself lucky because my other friends’ teen sons were more sullen and withdrawn from them. And their daughters were more emotionally complicated and confused, they ended up always arguing. Or else my friend’s teens answered back, lied, cheated, made takas, smoked, drank, and did things behind their backs.
Even the sweetest teen can be really exasperating at times. They answer back in the guise of "expressing themselves" and they want you off their backs like they can stand on their two skinny legs and live on their weekly allowance already. Nevermind that we mothers put one foot in the grave to birth them, gave up our careers for them, are on call 24 hours a day for them.
"I would rather go back to raising an infant with no sleep, no time to myself. Those are only physical challenges," says my friend. "Raising a teen is so emotionally difficult, specially since I am approaching mid-life myself! My teen is only nice to me when he asks for his cell phone load allowance."
"When our older daughter reached the terrible teens with all the attitude and angst that go with it, my husband and I were shocked at the change in her. She had always been a bright, loving and all-around delightful child. It was almost like starting over with a completely different person masquerading as our daughter. The self-confidence, independence and persistence we had nurtured in her early years were now being used against us," says another set of parents.
According to www.careerparent.com, the most complicated communication traps for most parents occur when occasions warranting either punishment or praise present themselves. So as parents, we must learn to talk so that our teens will listen and also, we must learn to listen so that our teens will learn to talk.
Tina complimented her daughter’s hairstyle saying, "Gee, your hair really looks great today."
Her daughter, Melissa responded with a sulky, "What was wrong with it yesterday?"
Jason responded to his dad’s encouraging, "You pitched an amazing game, today, son!" with an angry, "Well I am a pretty decent pitcher or hadn’t you noticed!"
Most parents of teens find themselves in this bewildering situation from time to time.
The problem arises when we use evaluative words like great or amazing, or phrases like "good boy," or "excellent student." They seem encouraging, which is surely their intent. Yet they subtly imply comparison and can cause feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes the expectation of having to live up to the praise can be quite daunting.
Dr. Ginott recommended using descriptive rather than evaluative praise. Instead of saying, "I can’t remember when your room looked so good! I can actually see the carpeting again!" Try the following:
• Describe what you see.
"Wow, I see a clean floor, books on shelves and clothes on hangers."
• Describe what you feel.
"It’s a pleasure to walk into this room."
• Sum up your teen’s praiseworthy behavior with a descriptive word or phrase.
"This is what I call organization!"
• Don’t expect an immediate or verbalized appreciation from your teen.
It’s not personal. They are just trying to find themselves without your validation.
It’s a big adjustment for us parents. We used to mean the world to our children. But now, when they become this species called teenagers, they can’t wait to erase us out of the picture.
In their best-selling book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, authors Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish present activities to help parents develop skills for more effective communication with our offspring. This new way of communicating with your teen, on occasions calling for punishment or praise, may not come easily. You have to formulate your words carefully and you have to respect the phase they are going through. But think of the rewards. It makes teens feel good about themselves and it gets results.
What could be better for a parent’s self-esteem than that?
Dr. Ginott recommended the following steps as an alternative to punishment:
• Express your feelings strongly – without attacking character. "I’m furious that my new sweater was taken without my permission and returned soiled and crumpled." (Versus, "I knew it! I can never trust you with anything!")
• State your expectations. "I expect to be asked permission to borrow my things and that they be returned in the same condition they were found, okay?"
• Show the child how to make amends. "This will need to be washed by hand in this special detergent. I’m sure if you soak it first, the stain will come right out." Or, "You can buy me another pair of scissors to replace the one you lost in so-and-so store."
• Give a choice (next time your teen asks to borrow something). "You can borrow my clothes with my permission and return them in the same condition you found them or you can give up the privilege of sharing my things. You decide."
• Take action (if the undesirable behavior continues). Teen: "Mom, your green sweater is not in the drawer!" Mom: "That’s right. For the time being, I need to keep my things where I know they’ll be when I’m ready to wear them."
• Problem solve together. "What could we work out so that you can borrow my clothes, occasionally, and so that I can always be sure they are ready for me when I want to wear them?"
By using this non-confrontational process, we can help our teens deal with their problem behaviors without creating a conflict, and allow them to face the consequences of their behavior without shame. Each time we show respect for a teenager’s feelings, offer a choice or give a chance to solve a problem, they grow in confidence and self-esteem. This instills an appreciation and acceptance for accountability that will carry over into work and other aspects of adult life.
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