Childhood emotional damage and infidelity

Every family has its own dynamics – and dysfunction. As we grow up interacting with our parents and siblings, we develop dominant ways of feeling, thinking, and coping, which become ingrained so deeply into our personalities that we continue to respond in the same way long after we leave the nest. We tend to cling to this sense of self, dysfunctional as it may be, because it is familiar and comfortable to us.

Here is a list of emotions you may have experienced as a child:

• Positive feelings: Loved, affirmed, nurtured, respected, trust, encouraged, secure.

• Negative feelings: Abandoned, abused, rejected, criticized, deprived, jealous, lonely.

Try to identify with these feelings or add your own. These feelings are very important because they define your comfort zone. Thus, we tend to choose situations or partners that make us experience these feelings because these are the feelings we know how to cope with. We all have learned to do things to get what we want, or to conserve ourselves and cope with the pain of being rejected.

According to Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of the book, After the Affair,

if you were deprived of the following growth experiences – being safe and secure, functioning independently, having solid emotional connections with others, being valued, having freedom of expression, being free to let go and have fun – you would have likely grown up with emotional wounds that affect the choice of partners and the way you relate to them.

Let’s explore how these experiences as children help shape our view of infidelity in a relationship, too.

1) Unable to feel safe and secure. If you were abandoned, either physically or emotionally, you would conclude: "People I love will leave me."

If you were physically or emotionally abused, you would conclude: "People I love will hurt me."

To the unfaithful partner, an affair can protect you from the vulnerability of loving totally, which you feel is dangerous, lest you be abused or abandoned again for it. You will tend to seek power and control. "I will betray/abandon/abuse you first before you do it to me."

To the hurt partner, who was left so dependent and needy, you may be clingy or else totally suspicious of her partner’s faithfulness. You conclude: "I am sure he will be unfaithful." You may also continue to test your partner unrealistically and since there is nothing he can do to assure you, you will eventually push him out of the door and prove your theory that he will abandon you.

2) Unable to function independently. A discouraged child will feel vulnerable and incompetent in adulthood. He may feel he is being controlled and he may feel guilty or scared to strike it out on his own. He may conclude: "I can’t make it by myself"

To the unfaithful partner, an affair may be your stake on control. If you feel controlled or suffocated by a dominant partner (which you tend to seek), an affair may be your window for air.

To a hurt partner, you may envy the independence of your partner away from you. Because you feel you don’t have your own life, you expect her to provide happiness for you, which of course, may not be possible. Otherwise, you may be fiercely independent and not allow your partner to support you, leaving her with feelings of helplessness.

3) Unable to connect emotionally to others. If your parents were cold and distant, you may look at others as aloof and conclude: "No one is there for me." Thus, you drift from relationships, in search of intimacy, if you know what it is.

To the unfaithful partner, you may sleep around to escape the emptiness you feel inside, seeking a meaningful bond with another.

To the hurt partner, you probably don’t know how to react in a loving and intimate way. Thus, you withhold your feelings and don’t show your love, demanding that your partner will get the drift and fill up the void. Of course, if he doesn’t, you will push him away by continuously being cold and aloof to him.

4) Unable to feel valued. You probably weren’t given a voice while growing up. Your needs were not addressed. You may have been rejected or criticized and you felt: "I am not good enough."

To the unfaithful partner, an affair may be your declaration of having self-worth by being attractive to others. Riddled with your insecurity, you may be unable to resist the attention you crave from others to affirm your worth and lift your sagging self-esteem. You may feel inadequate in your marriage and you will want to disprove this by being adored by an extra-marital partner/s.

The hurt partner may have unconsciously sought out the same rejecting partner who leaves her feeling inadequate. She may compensate by being very pleasant and catering to all his needs, while she feels resentment at the whole deja vu. Sometimes, she will tolerate his affairs and sometimes, she will explode and never give him another chance.

5) Unable to let go and have fun. If you were raised to take on responsibility too early, or your parents were too strict, you would have felt weighed down and stressed out in favor of perfection or maturity. You may tend to over-discipline yourself and your partner. You conclude: "Everything is on my shoulders, I better do it right."

As the unfaithful partner, your may have had an affair to search for adventure and fun by having an illicit relationship. It might be easy for you to justify an affair to recapture your youth, which you feel you have been "robbed" of. An affair may also represent your stepping out of the perfect mold and relaxing by being impulsive and selfishly indulgent.

As the hurt partner, you may choose a carefree partner, hoping she will breathe fun into your rigid life. Otherwise, you may have set unrealistic standards for your partner, perceiving her to be weak, lazy, incompetent. You expect her to be prompt, organized, and structured, leaving no room for playfulness, romance, adventure. You demand that she shares your load of the burden and you drive her away if she can’t be perfect.

Dr. Spring also stressed that these theories, though not binding, are common. We all tend to bring our damaged selves into our intimate relationships. Though you really cannot be totally responsible for making your partner stray, it is wise to be aware of our vulnerabilities to understand ourselves, our relationships, and what we may have contributed to the infidelity situation. We can then heal ourselves and stop blaming each other for unmet needs.

If we are reconstruct ourselves into more whole beings, it is important to ask ourselves: What was missing from how my mother/father treated me? What was my greatest unmet need? How did this affect who I am today? Why am I depending on my partner for the fulfillment of all my emotional needs?

It is also important to understand and accept the way you were treated as a child and to acknowledge this dysfunction. If you were abandoned and abused, forgive your parents for that and start parenting yourself in the way you want to be parented. Be kind to yourself and convince yourself that you are worth loving. Be better parents to your children to arrest the dysfunction. Seek parental figures (like your boss, an uncle) that nurture you in a stable and loving way. Allow your partner to nurture you in ways you need by telling him what you really need to feel secure. You can start with: "I really need you to tell me when you feel loving towards me." Or "Could you ask me kindly when you want something done?" Or " Please understand my need for quiet time doesn’t mean I don’t care for you."

And as Stormie O’Martian said in her book, The Powerof A Praying Wife/Husband, "Lord, I lay all my expectations at Your cross. I release my husband/wife from the burden of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You ."

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E-mail me at mrcuenca@yahoo.com