Cheating hearts and hurt feelings
October 28, 2003 | 12:00am
I have seen the ravages that infidelity brings to my friends’ and relatives’ marriages. So many have parted ways and some have decided to work it out. I used to think that I can endure anything but an unfaithful partner. The intense pain and pressure of cheating on your spouse are quite difficult to bear and understand, so it’s really not appropriate to judge.
According to the book After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D, the hurt partner and the unfaithful partner suffer very different hurt feelings. If we take a look at the hurt partner’s feelings, we will usually find:
1. Loss of identity – "If our marriage is a lie, and if you, my partner, are not the person I thought you were, then who am I?" The discovery of the affair can rock you to your very core. This loss can hurt more than the very affair itself. An affair assaults your very being, your self-esteem. Even when you thought you were vibrant, diligent, special, and lovable, you will feel unsure of your good traits and think very low of yourself: Ugly, undesirable, and disconnected. And if your self-esteem was shaky from the start, you might not be able to recover from this assault.
2. Loss of control in thoughts and actions – The hurt partner will usually torture herself with repeated thoughts of her partner and his paramour. Sometimes, she will obsess about how the other woman looks. Sometimes, she will obsess with imaginary confrontations that are alternately gentle or violent in nature. She will have dramatic scenes of cursing him or pleading with him.
"I stay up the whole night," cries Cris. "And when I fall asleep, I dream of him and the pain is all over the place. I can’t stop my thoughts!"
The most you can do is to step back and realize that this is a way for your mind to cope and, ironically, regain a sense of control.
The hurt partner will also usually compulsively smoke, shop, sleep, eat, exercise, or check on his partner.
Mike laments: "I stopped smoking for many years and just like that – I picked up the habit again. I just smoked and drank coffee. I did not need to eat, maybe because I wanted to die, and make her feel guilty. I dropped eight pounds in a week and had so many sores in my mouth, signaling malnutrition. I also couldn’t stop myself from going through her cell phone, her wallet, her drawers! I felt low but I couldn’t stop myself!"
These actions, according to Dr. Spring, are ways to reduce the anxiety, dull the pain, and reward yourself in ways available to you.
3. Loss of connection with others – "Who can I trust?" "Who can I tell it to?" It may be hard to discern these issues.
"I was afraid to tell my parents because they would think I was a baby and couldn’t handle it," says Cris. "I was also afraid that after my husband and I settled it, my parents would always brand him a cheat."
Most hurt partners confide in close friends. Whatever you do, try not to over-isolate yourself. Reach out to a counselor, a priest, or someone you trust. Feelings of abandonment may seem real to you right now, but they will prove to be temporary.
Believe it or not, the unfaithful partner has hurt feelings, too. Although, they have to be reminded that whatever these hurts are, they don’t quite compare to the hurt inflicted on the hurt spouse. Deception is shattering, disorienting, and profound. Nevertheless, if we look closer, we will find that the unfaithful partner has:
1. Guilt and shame – Confessing the affair relieves the unfaithful partner of the heavy burden of cheating. Until then, it is tiring to keep the charade up and more tiring to lead a double life.
"I had to take note of all my lies. I felt so low whenever I had to lie and hide. I felt like a sleaze," says Lester, a cheating heart. "The bitterness I felt towards my wife was lessened by my deception. I felt guilty about lying to my kids and was worried about what example I had set for them."
2. Paralysis – The unfaithful one may be so confused he doesn’t know where to go and gets stuck. He does not have anyone to confide in, lest they condemn him. Everyone will tell him to stop the affair and get his life in order.
Indecision can be torture for those who want to move on. Sometimes, the unfaithful one feels he wants to end the affair or leave his wife, but he is paralyzed to make a decision.
3. Impatience and frustration – "I have told you everything about the affair, what more do you want me to do?"
Confessing your affair makes you feel clean and excited to re-build your marriage. But you soon realize that your partner is still reeling from the hurt, and is not quite ready for absolute forgetting yet. You will just get more frustrated if you wish your partner’s anger, bitterness and pain would disappear so easily. Though your confession opens another stage in your relationship, it should not close the door to your partner’s needs. You have to give it time and patience – that is the hard part. If you are serious about re-building your relationship, you must not get tired of reassuring her of your love and faithfulness – even as she lambasts you in threshing out her pain. Remember, it is not personal. It is her way of making a decision based on the information she has. Usually, the more complete the information, the better the decision.
Once the affair is out in the open, Dr. Spring advises couples to decide whether to rebuild the relationship or end it. Whatever it is, the spouses must make a deliberate and conscious decision, not acted upon by feelings alone. Feelings, no matter how intense, are often not logical, not realistic and unstable.
E-mail me at mrcuenca@yahoo.com.
According to the book After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D, the hurt partner and the unfaithful partner suffer very different hurt feelings. If we take a look at the hurt partner’s feelings, we will usually find:
1. Loss of identity – "If our marriage is a lie, and if you, my partner, are not the person I thought you were, then who am I?" The discovery of the affair can rock you to your very core. This loss can hurt more than the very affair itself. An affair assaults your very being, your self-esteem. Even when you thought you were vibrant, diligent, special, and lovable, you will feel unsure of your good traits and think very low of yourself: Ugly, undesirable, and disconnected. And if your self-esteem was shaky from the start, you might not be able to recover from this assault.
2. Loss of control in thoughts and actions – The hurt partner will usually torture herself with repeated thoughts of her partner and his paramour. Sometimes, she will obsess about how the other woman looks. Sometimes, she will obsess with imaginary confrontations that are alternately gentle or violent in nature. She will have dramatic scenes of cursing him or pleading with him.
"I stay up the whole night," cries Cris. "And when I fall asleep, I dream of him and the pain is all over the place. I can’t stop my thoughts!"
The most you can do is to step back and realize that this is a way for your mind to cope and, ironically, regain a sense of control.
The hurt partner will also usually compulsively smoke, shop, sleep, eat, exercise, or check on his partner.
Mike laments: "I stopped smoking for many years and just like that – I picked up the habit again. I just smoked and drank coffee. I did not need to eat, maybe because I wanted to die, and make her feel guilty. I dropped eight pounds in a week and had so many sores in my mouth, signaling malnutrition. I also couldn’t stop myself from going through her cell phone, her wallet, her drawers! I felt low but I couldn’t stop myself!"
These actions, according to Dr. Spring, are ways to reduce the anxiety, dull the pain, and reward yourself in ways available to you.
3. Loss of connection with others – "Who can I trust?" "Who can I tell it to?" It may be hard to discern these issues.
"I was afraid to tell my parents because they would think I was a baby and couldn’t handle it," says Cris. "I was also afraid that after my husband and I settled it, my parents would always brand him a cheat."
Most hurt partners confide in close friends. Whatever you do, try not to over-isolate yourself. Reach out to a counselor, a priest, or someone you trust. Feelings of abandonment may seem real to you right now, but they will prove to be temporary.
Believe it or not, the unfaithful partner has hurt feelings, too. Although, they have to be reminded that whatever these hurts are, they don’t quite compare to the hurt inflicted on the hurt spouse. Deception is shattering, disorienting, and profound. Nevertheless, if we look closer, we will find that the unfaithful partner has:
1. Guilt and shame – Confessing the affair relieves the unfaithful partner of the heavy burden of cheating. Until then, it is tiring to keep the charade up and more tiring to lead a double life.
"I had to take note of all my lies. I felt so low whenever I had to lie and hide. I felt like a sleaze," says Lester, a cheating heart. "The bitterness I felt towards my wife was lessened by my deception. I felt guilty about lying to my kids and was worried about what example I had set for them."
2. Paralysis – The unfaithful one may be so confused he doesn’t know where to go and gets stuck. He does not have anyone to confide in, lest they condemn him. Everyone will tell him to stop the affair and get his life in order.
Indecision can be torture for those who want to move on. Sometimes, the unfaithful one feels he wants to end the affair or leave his wife, but he is paralyzed to make a decision.
3. Impatience and frustration – "I have told you everything about the affair, what more do you want me to do?"
Confessing your affair makes you feel clean and excited to re-build your marriage. But you soon realize that your partner is still reeling from the hurt, and is not quite ready for absolute forgetting yet. You will just get more frustrated if you wish your partner’s anger, bitterness and pain would disappear so easily. Though your confession opens another stage in your relationship, it should not close the door to your partner’s needs. You have to give it time and patience – that is the hard part. If you are serious about re-building your relationship, you must not get tired of reassuring her of your love and faithfulness – even as she lambasts you in threshing out her pain. Remember, it is not personal. It is her way of making a decision based on the information she has. Usually, the more complete the information, the better the decision.
Once the affair is out in the open, Dr. Spring advises couples to decide whether to rebuild the relationship or end it. Whatever it is, the spouses must make a deliberate and conscious decision, not acted upon by feelings alone. Feelings, no matter how intense, are often not logical, not realistic and unstable.
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