How to protect your child’s emotions when your marriage fails
September 16, 2003 | 12:00am
When a marriage fails and breaks up, the kids are the most affected. At least, that is my belief, coming from parents who have divorced and remarried. It is inevitable that the kids do suffer and I hope parents will stop denying that. For as the parents reconstruct their lives and move on, the hurt of their separation stays on with the children until their adult lives as they grieve the death of their family.
According to Claire Berman, author of Adult Children of Divorce, many children develop difficulty trusting others, many fear commitment and intimacy ("My parents left me so why should this person stick aropund?"). Other characteristics of children of divorce include: Low self-esteem ("My parents left me, so something must be wrong with me."), loneliness and isolation ("Since no one would understand, I learned to deal with the loneliness by myself and now have a problem sharing my emotions with others."), becoming control freaks (with regard to spouse, friends, work – so as not to be rejected ever again), fiercely independent ("No one should put me through that pain again."), emphatic about financial stability ("With money, I protect myself from being dependent and miserable."), and placing a high value on being successful ("If I am on top, everyone will love me and not leave me. It will also mask my secretly sagging self-esteem.").
Studies show that tension and anger between the parents, not the actual divorce, can put your children at serious risk. If you really have to end your marriage, know that your children will get hurt. Thus, it is your responsibility as a parent to support and guide your child through the difficulties that your separation will inflict on them:
• Tell them. First of all, get your act together and tell your kids about the separation. Don’t hope that they are stupid or deaf and will not notice that something is amiss. it is so painful for kids to hear it from behind your doors or from tohers. It’s amazing how parents still continue to underestimate their children. Parents should stop assuming that their excuses about where dad slept last weekend will be credible for very long. Psychologists say that as long as the parents don’t blame each other and assure the kids that it will work out even if mom and dad are separated, the kids are better off with the truth. Don’t say, "Your dad and I are separating because he has another woman and he does not love us anymore!" Instead, explain to them in more neutral tones like, "Your dad and I have problems that we have to sort out..." Ideally, both spouses should talk to the kids together.
• Do not bad-mouth your ex. "When you criticize your ex, you criticize your child," says Gary Neuman, author of Helping Your Child Deal with Divorce. Your child feels very much part of his parents and when you say, "Your father is a miserable twit," the child feels he is much of a twit, too. Name-calling and mud-slinging are painful for your child to witness and shatter his self-esteem. Even subtle body language, like rolling your eyes when your ex calls, affects the children. Be civil wtih your ex and, if your really love your children, rise above the temptation and be friends with your ex. This can be the best thing you can do for your child when your marriage fails. I assure you that your child will be delighted to see both of you as friends. Remember, the problem is between him and you – so keep the kids out of it.
• Assure your kids that the separation is not their fault. Even in the best divorces, children feel that they are to blame. I don’t know why this happens. Maybe because the kids feel their parents are perfect and therefore, faultless. So the kids take the warped blame: "Maybe I wasn’t smart enough or good enough that’s why my parents separated..." Tell them, "Dad and I have many problems which we could not solve while being together. You have nothing to do with why Dad left." Say "We both love you very much and we will still be very much in your life," to quell any fears that you will stop being his parents when you stop being married, or that you may give him away to lola or abandon him and look for a new family or a new life – which I hope is not your intention.
• Don’t ask your kids to take sides. Kids pick up even non-verbal cues or subtle pressure about choosing one parent over the other, even if you think they are too young and innocent to do so. If you badger the kids to choose you by looking like you are the right choice or the underdog, know that they feel rotten inside for betraying the other parent. They will be extremely anxious and confused – and secretly hate you for manipulating them. Never say things like: "I am so sad when you are with Mom," or "Dad does not give you money anyway, so why do you want to spend the weekend with him?" or the most notorious, "Who do you love more – Mom or Dad?" It is a major distress sign when children are afraid to express affection towards one parent in front of the other.
• Open the lines of communication. Don’t just ask, "How are you?" Kids will always say they are okay because to tell you exactly what they feel is so overwhelming it might frighten even you. Instead, say "It sounds like you feel angry (or sad or hurt)." This gives the kids assurance that you will listen to what they want to say, and not judge or scold them. Tell them that they can talk to you about whatever is bothering them anytime – and mean it. It may be easier to dodge their questions because it is so heartbreaking. And when confused, you can always fall back on the line, "Don’t worry, Mom and Dad love you very much even if we aren’t together anymore." Nevermind if you are clumsy and seem to be at a loss for words, as long as you are open to the kids. Not talking about the situation will cause your kids to suppress their emotions or shut down emotionally.
• Act like the adult. When parents involve the kids in custody, visitation or financial discussions, it makes them feel vulnerable and insecure. Let the kids know that you and your ex will make the decisions about how much time they will spend with you, eliminating the anxiety in having them choose one parent over the other. Decide the terms and present these to the kids with sympathy about how the terms sit with them. And when it is your turn, be there with your kids. Tell your office you cannot work overtime on those days and tell your friends you can hang out with them on other days. Your kids’ presence should be precious to you so make the most of it.
• Make a new commitment as a parent to them. I have friends who became better parents when they separated because they stopped taking the kids for granted. Ask yourself what you can improve on and do whatever you can for the well-being of your child, be it therapy, counseling, quality time or meditation.
Remember that what you do to kids in childhood they take with them with the same impact into their adult lives. The kids will carry the hurt of your separation like it happened yesterday. Go easy on them and do what you can to lessen this load by being present for them as you get lost picking up the pieces.
Children need to know that even if Daddy and Mommy aren’t together anymore, they can still love both parents and be loved by both parents, without feeling disloyal or guilty.
E-mail me at mrcuenca@yahoo.com.
According to Claire Berman, author of Adult Children of Divorce, many children develop difficulty trusting others, many fear commitment and intimacy ("My parents left me so why should this person stick aropund?"). Other characteristics of children of divorce include: Low self-esteem ("My parents left me, so something must be wrong with me."), loneliness and isolation ("Since no one would understand, I learned to deal with the loneliness by myself and now have a problem sharing my emotions with others."), becoming control freaks (with regard to spouse, friends, work – so as not to be rejected ever again), fiercely independent ("No one should put me through that pain again."), emphatic about financial stability ("With money, I protect myself from being dependent and miserable."), and placing a high value on being successful ("If I am on top, everyone will love me and not leave me. It will also mask my secretly sagging self-esteem.").
Studies show that tension and anger between the parents, not the actual divorce, can put your children at serious risk. If you really have to end your marriage, know that your children will get hurt. Thus, it is your responsibility as a parent to support and guide your child through the difficulties that your separation will inflict on them:
• Tell them. First of all, get your act together and tell your kids about the separation. Don’t hope that they are stupid or deaf and will not notice that something is amiss. it is so painful for kids to hear it from behind your doors or from tohers. It’s amazing how parents still continue to underestimate their children. Parents should stop assuming that their excuses about where dad slept last weekend will be credible for very long. Psychologists say that as long as the parents don’t blame each other and assure the kids that it will work out even if mom and dad are separated, the kids are better off with the truth. Don’t say, "Your dad and I are separating because he has another woman and he does not love us anymore!" Instead, explain to them in more neutral tones like, "Your dad and I have problems that we have to sort out..." Ideally, both spouses should talk to the kids together.
• Do not bad-mouth your ex. "When you criticize your ex, you criticize your child," says Gary Neuman, author of Helping Your Child Deal with Divorce. Your child feels very much part of his parents and when you say, "Your father is a miserable twit," the child feels he is much of a twit, too. Name-calling and mud-slinging are painful for your child to witness and shatter his self-esteem. Even subtle body language, like rolling your eyes when your ex calls, affects the children. Be civil wtih your ex and, if your really love your children, rise above the temptation and be friends with your ex. This can be the best thing you can do for your child when your marriage fails. I assure you that your child will be delighted to see both of you as friends. Remember, the problem is between him and you – so keep the kids out of it.
• Assure your kids that the separation is not their fault. Even in the best divorces, children feel that they are to blame. I don’t know why this happens. Maybe because the kids feel their parents are perfect and therefore, faultless. So the kids take the warped blame: "Maybe I wasn’t smart enough or good enough that’s why my parents separated..." Tell them, "Dad and I have many problems which we could not solve while being together. You have nothing to do with why Dad left." Say "We both love you very much and we will still be very much in your life," to quell any fears that you will stop being his parents when you stop being married, or that you may give him away to lola or abandon him and look for a new family or a new life – which I hope is not your intention.
• Don’t ask your kids to take sides. Kids pick up even non-verbal cues or subtle pressure about choosing one parent over the other, even if you think they are too young and innocent to do so. If you badger the kids to choose you by looking like you are the right choice or the underdog, know that they feel rotten inside for betraying the other parent. They will be extremely anxious and confused – and secretly hate you for manipulating them. Never say things like: "I am so sad when you are with Mom," or "Dad does not give you money anyway, so why do you want to spend the weekend with him?" or the most notorious, "Who do you love more – Mom or Dad?" It is a major distress sign when children are afraid to express affection towards one parent in front of the other.
• Open the lines of communication. Don’t just ask, "How are you?" Kids will always say they are okay because to tell you exactly what they feel is so overwhelming it might frighten even you. Instead, say "It sounds like you feel angry (or sad or hurt)." This gives the kids assurance that you will listen to what they want to say, and not judge or scold them. Tell them that they can talk to you about whatever is bothering them anytime – and mean it. It may be easier to dodge their questions because it is so heartbreaking. And when confused, you can always fall back on the line, "Don’t worry, Mom and Dad love you very much even if we aren’t together anymore." Nevermind if you are clumsy and seem to be at a loss for words, as long as you are open to the kids. Not talking about the situation will cause your kids to suppress their emotions or shut down emotionally.
• Act like the adult. When parents involve the kids in custody, visitation or financial discussions, it makes them feel vulnerable and insecure. Let the kids know that you and your ex will make the decisions about how much time they will spend with you, eliminating the anxiety in having them choose one parent over the other. Decide the terms and present these to the kids with sympathy about how the terms sit with them. And when it is your turn, be there with your kids. Tell your office you cannot work overtime on those days and tell your friends you can hang out with them on other days. Your kids’ presence should be precious to you so make the most of it.
• Make a new commitment as a parent to them. I have friends who became better parents when they separated because they stopped taking the kids for granted. Ask yourself what you can improve on and do whatever you can for the well-being of your child, be it therapy, counseling, quality time or meditation.
Remember that what you do to kids in childhood they take with them with the same impact into their adult lives. The kids will carry the hurt of your separation like it happened yesterday. Go easy on them and do what you can to lessen this load by being present for them as you get lost picking up the pieces.
Children need to know that even if Daddy and Mommy aren’t together anymore, they can still love both parents and be loved by both parents, without feeling disloyal or guilty.
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