To spank or not to spank

Spanking is a very touchy issue among parents. There are varying views on the topic. Many parents have come to me for advice on whether they should resort to it or not. I don’t really like the idea of telling people how they should bring up their children. I would rather they see different perspectives on the issue and decide for themselves which will work best for their family. We all come from different backgrounds and our situations at home are unique and must be dealt with according to its uniqueness.

When I ask parents if they spank their kids, they almost always say yes. I ask them if they spank them in anger and they respond with, "Of course!" I guess that is where things get muddled up when we spank in anger.

I have given spanking a lot of thought and I believe that abuse can be prevented if it is done outside of anger. It has been proven medically that when people are angry, their blood gets concentrated in their hands. Therefore, when we hold the rod during a heated moment with our children, chances are we will violate them because we will almost always take out our anger on them. The opportunity for disciplining them in love is lost and we will be guilty of violating them physically and emotionally.

Personally, yes, Anthony and I spank our children but we have very strict guidelines. In the past, we have made many mistakes when it comes to disciplining our children. We are thankful that they always forgive us and continue to trust us with their hearts. We’ve learned though that we must make sure not to commit the same mistakes we made when we were starting our family. We know that the consequences are major and so we are tough on ourselves to make sure we do what is right. When it comes to spanking, we will spank:

• For three reasons – When our children rebel, lie or hurt others. We are very clear on that, especially with our children. We first inform them about the consequences of such actions before we administer spanking.

• In a private place where no one can see them so they don’t get embarrassed. The issue is discipline, not punishment. Other people should also be spared from being witnesses to a spanking because they may not understand the reason for it or may not agree that it should be done.

• With one "spanky" – We refrain from using a belt or our hand or anything we get our hands on that is convenient at the moment because those are very personal things that will be associated with us. Besides, with a belt, it is difficult to estimate where it will land or how hard it will hit. More often than not, it also leaves a mark. We use a wooden stick or ladle and put it in a place that is not easily reached. This helps us check our motives before getting our hands on the spanky. On our way to get it, we have the chance to rethink our decision to spank and breathe so that we will do it with the right motive in mind. When we spank, we make sure it hurts; otherwise, its purpose becomes useless. We also spank our kids in their buttocks. Not their hands or wherever the spanky gets them. The buttocks have lots of fat and is a safe place for a spank to land because it will not leave a mark. There are no bones that would be hit there, which assures that there would be no fractured bones or black and blue bruises. We try not to use spanking as a tool to scare our kids. We make sure that when we warn them that a spanking will happen if the action is continued, we mean it and will really do it.

• Only with the child’s permission – which means the child understands the reason or the need to be spanked. He must surrender himself to it and allow us to spank him. That means, he will come to us, put down his pants willingly and allow the spanking to happen. Otherwise, we will wait for the right time when the child is ready to obey and be disciplined. We will not force the child to get spanked in order to get it over with. I realize that forcing a child only pushes him to rebel more. I know, because I was guilty of such things before. Part of disciplining our children has a lot to do with our own example. If they see that we are more concerned about molding them than controlling them, they will learn to trust us enough to submit to our discipline.

• When we can embrace them after – look at them in the eyes without guilt (because we know that we have spanked with love and reason) and assure them of our love. Although sometimes, our kids leave the private place in tears, we most often end our spanking moments with a prayer together to ask for guidance and strength to remember the lessons that need to be instilled in both our hearts. This way, obedience will come as second nature and not something to be constantly reminded about by a spank.

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How about you, what are your insights or comments on this issue? E-mail me at mommytalk@business works.com.ph.

* * * From The Mouths Of Babes

My kids and I enjoyed watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs by Repertory Children’s Theatre. When the Prince came out and walked towards Snow White (who was asleep in the woods) Donny exclaimed, "Yayks, they’re gonna kiss! Close your eyes!" in his loudest voice. I almost fainted laughing.

* * * Too Much Soap Opera

I didn’t realize how much TV we watch, especially those strings of never-ending soap operas until I heard it from my own four-and-a-half-year-old daughter. One day, as she was preparing for her afternoon nap, my daughter pestered me to lend her my clay-like eraser. I was firm in telling her that she couldn’t borrow it as Nanay was busy working on a project and needed it. After much pleading from her, I still didn’t give in. She stormed downstairs to look for Yaya and make sumbong. I heard her crying aloud and Yaya asked what was wrong. She said: "It’s Nanay – she destroyed my life!" Now, where else would a four-year-old get that line? Only from the kids.

With best regards,

Maricelle Abad-Punzal

* * * Young Entrepreneur

Tim was bored kanina, so I suggested he sell juice at P2 each. He asked if he could sell it at P5 instead. He made about P50. He also sold some toys, card games, etc. Then later I said, "You should tithe P5 and share with Shirley (his yaya) maybe P10 because she helped you." He said, "That’s too much!"– JNP

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Yaya seminar on Aug. 10 at Avalon Condominiums, Greenhills. Call 724-5552 or 0916-4572687 for details.