Children of broken homes are not jinxed or doomed

Broken family, broken home. They’re painful realities for everyone in the family, especially the children. When I was young, I overheard a group of matrons talking about a girl to be married to a boy from a prominent family. But the girl’s parents were separated. So one of the matrons declared, "Ay naku, bakit siya ang pinili? Galing sa broken family yan!" Like the girl brought in bad luck or something. Like that impending marriage was doomed because she came from a broken family.

Once, someone (I can’t remember now, pity) categorically told me not to hang around with this girl in school because she came from a broken family. I couldn’t figure out what they meant. Did it mean that she could not be a friend because her parents were separated? Did it mean that she was broken, too? Who broke her family in the first place?

I regret not remembering the jerk who told me, "Hala, hiwalay na ang parents mo, sino pa ang magkakagusto sa iyo?"

I thought I should have titled this "Growing Up in the ’70s" because all those judgmental comments were made during that time. Maybe it was the era. But then I realized the stigma prevails, kept alive by those who are fearful that children from broken families are out to break all the families in the world. They are afraid that these "broken children" will teach their "normal children" how to drink, smoke, do drugs – and everything bad. There are some schools that will not accept the child without a complete set of parents to attend Parents Day, like it were the child’s fault.

There are huge negative effects that ravage children when their parents’ marriage breaks up. These pressures and let-downs are so heavy that sometimes, the children have no other choice but to break under pressure and then pick up the pieces from there. Considering what they go through, these children are very brave and very tough to go on. Sometimes, they do pick up the pieces.

First of all, I promise you that smoking, drinking and drugs are not entirely reserved for children from broken families. If you open your eyes, you will find kids with intact parents who do drugs. Every unloved or rejected teenager will turn to these vices, whether she has one parent or two. According to Claire Berman, author of the book Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out, children of divorce tend to feel isolated and lonely, and they have very low self-esteem after the divorce, that is why they may resort to drugs and alcohol. But if we were to really open our eyes, isolation, lack of attention and low-self worth can push even the child that comes from "still together" parents.

Later on, children from broken homes may resolve their isolation by being fiercely independent – by default – because many responsibilities are now theirs. They tend to mature faster. If they are strong enough (or old enough) they will handle this independence well. If they are weak or very young, they will withdraw and feel lost, and turn to whatever gives them comfort.

From low self-esteem, if he is lucky, is born a drive to excel. The "broken home" child will usually want to tuck in another degree or two, a master’s degree. This is probably why they coined the phrase "they cannot take your education away from you." At work, he wants to be the boss, or at least he will be because he works like a horse. This status gives him security, he feels safe. Children of divorce never want to be left behind again. They want to keep everything of value in a safe place. They need to feel in control.

Secondly, I promise you that most of the people I know that come from broken families have very solid commitments to friendship. They are more sympathetic and caring. They have trust issues at first and will think twice about entering into a friendship. Friends from broken families are very loyal and honest. So should you be unfaithful in any way, they clam up and re-assess. Again, it is a matter of trust and control for them, considering what they have been through.

And my third promise, not every marriage of a broken family partner ends up broken. I remember telling my cousin-in-law once, "Don’t be afraid to marry him because he came from a broken family. Broken or not, you probably have the same chances (50-50) at making a marriage work, as with someone from an intact family." It seems to be a problem of trust (in their partner and in themselves – "Who can love me if my parents left me?") for children of divorce, especially if the parents take on many partners thereafter. The child develops a fear to commit or eventually, he sabotages the relationship because a broken relationship is all he knows. But for others, commitment can still be a lifetime possibility. Just like in friendship, they have to be convinced that the prospective partner is stable and loving, before they commit. And let me tell you, children of broken families know that marriage is not a happily-ever-after thing because we know what lies on the other side. So many of us commit to work, work, work at it.

In fact, sometimes, when you come from a broken family, your commitment to making your own marriage work is stronger. Coming from that turmoil, you will not, in your sane mind, inflict that deep pain on your children. And you know (from your parents’ remarriages), that partner after partner, our problems in the marriage will be the same. But sometimes, just like for so-called intact people, circumstances dictate otherwise. Oh, by the way, all my separated friends have still-married parents. Just so that there is a point of perspective, thank you.

Children of divorce go through a great deal. At a young age, they are saddled with adult problems. It is difficult to rebuild shattered dreams, dead self-esteem and broken trust. And it is truly heart-wrenching enough to navigate through the rough terrain of a broken home. Let us try to help them out by not judging them, but treating them equally – as people – and not as products of circumstance. Allow them to go to the same schools. Allow your children to get to know them. Allow them to find their place in the sun. They are neither jinxed nor doomed. Unless, of course, we doom them ourselves.