Taming of the tongue

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."– Proverbs 12:18

I have decided to do a series on the power of the tongue because I feel that it is important for people especially parents to be careful about what they say. Harsh words can cause death yet kind words when said with much thought and compassion can bring life to a wounded soul. I was also inspired to write this piece after being crushed after getting a negative response from a caregiver when I asked about one of her wards. I was excited to find out how the sister of her ward was progressing. She (whom I will call Nancy to protect her identity) was my son’s classmate at a playclass and seeing her sister play with my youngest daughter Hannah made me wonder how big Nancy must have grown. To my sadness, the yaya’s response was, "Ay, maldita yon." I couldn’t help but react. I wanted to ignore the comment because I felt hurt for Nancy. I had grown fond of Nancy who I know may have tantrums, but am aware that her tantrums were because she needed extra love and attention. I realized this when I advised her mom to buy her stuff for painting after we both saw how fascinated Nancy was when she created a beautiful work with her hands. To my surprise, the mother seemed puzzled instead of glad that her daughter was artistically inclined. "Isn’t that great that she loves to paint?" I said. "Yeah, but she’ll dirty my walls," was all Nancy’s mother could say. I told the yaya that she shouldn’t say things like that because they are not helpful. She responded by saying , "Pero pati Daddy niya, yan ang tawag sa kanya." I told her it was wrong and she agreed with me that Nancy needed extra love and attention.

Even the yaya knew that Nancy needed love and attention yet she managed to let off a careless comment because she had been conditioned to believe the same thing. Branding a child is not good because the child may end up living up to the grownup’s expectation of her. How could something good come out of her if she is constantly bombarded by words saying that she is no good?

I know that I am also guilty of uttering careless words. I know for sure especially when something I constantly let out becomes an expression of my children. That’s why this article is also a good reminder to me. The word reckless means "careless, heedless, not regarding consequences; headlong and irresponsible; rash." I remember having been a victim of a reckless comment which made me really mad. Once, (when I was two years into my marriage, I was approached by a man who held my tummy and said, "Ay, hindi ka pa nabubuntis? Siguro, baog ka." Ouch! Such harsh words. I got really mad and dismissed him by saying that his comment was not true at all. I guess my anger didn’t help either because I remember having been blessed with a child only after my Ninang Coney Reyes inquired if I had any unforgiveness in my heart regarding not having been able to conceive. I remembered that incident and surrendered my hurt to God and asked for forgiveness for keeping a grudge against that man. A few weeks after that, I was pregnant! You see how it works? You get a deadly comment, then it strikes you or drives you to anger then it gets a grip on you and then it cripples you until you let go and allow life’s words to change the scenario. Nowadays, people still make unkindly remarks about my being pregnant every year. I still get offended sometimes but in my heart, I know that these comments are coming from hearts of concern because it is no joke raising a family these days. I find refuge in knowing that children are a blessing from the Lord and that there is no need to be defensive or mad about such comments .

Another source of irresponsible words are exaggerated comments (ouch!, my husband always reminds me of this). In his book, Tongue in Check, Joseph Stowell writes, "Exaggeration is nothing more than lying about detail to make information more sensational, interesting or manipulative. Exaggeration erodes trust and credibility, to building blocks of successful relationships." I often get into this trap when I tell stories and get into it with much gusto that I end up making people laugh or convince people about something but realize later that I twisted the truth a little bit (and have allowed my pagka-showbiz to get the best of me) to get a positive and well received response from my audience. It’s a hard habit to break but the more I am reminded about it, the more aware I am not to get into it over and over again. It also helps for me (even if it is super embarrassing to go back to the people I’ve told the exaggerated story to and aknowledge my "sin."

Flattery is often used to elevate a person who we feel is indebted to us in order to make them feel good about themselves. I know that I only flatter my maids when I find something nice about their attitude or their work after I have been hard on them (and get guilty afterwards especially when I lose my temper). I know that even if they receive such flattering remarks, that it doesn’t really warm their hearts because the flattery does not come from genuine concern but it is used for personal gain and manipulation.

Usually, when people come across someone who has gone through a death in the family, we are at a loss for words. Then careless comments come out from our lips. Such as: "Oh, it will all be okay. Anyway, she’s going to heaven," or things like "Just deal with the pain, sige, ilabas mo. Huwag kang matakot umiyak," etc. I was told that the best way to deal with the situation is to keep quiet but let the grieving person know that we are available if she/he needs a friend. They don’t need to be lectured on how to best deal with the death of a loved one. They just need to know that they can turn to someone when they are ready to pour out their hearts. This usually happens a few days after the funeral when no one is around and the emptiness of the loss all of a sudden becomes real.

So how are we supposed to manage our small but powerful tongue? Well, if habits are formed by constant practice, then we must do the same for the right things. We can change our thought processes by allowing others to speak to us and change us. In my case, oftentimes, I would get rather feisty when my husband reminded me of a careless comment but I allow him to remind me when I’m wrong. I know that they are lifewords and when taken in a good light or may benefit me. Even if they are words that hurt, because they are coming from a heart of concern and genuine care, they end up healing me. Such words allow me to apologize to the person I have wronged and ask my Father in Heaven most of all for forgiveness.

Some life words that are worth keeping in mind and practice are: "A good man thinks before he speaks; the evil man pours out his evil words without a thought" (Proverbs 15:28) and the Bible also says, "The heart of the righteous weighs its answers." All the best and may you give life to someone today!

* * *

Would love to hear from you. E-mail me at: bizwrks@attglobal.net.