In the name of the (involved) father

We’ve all heard sob stories of different dysfunctional people who trace their woes to the absence of a father figure. But for this article, I would like to focus on the magic that happens when men put their families first.

According to a McCann-Erickson Philippines’ study on the Filipino Urban Male (1995), "Metro Manila men invest little time with their children. They rarely talk to them. They do not share with them what they do. They do not play with them. They consider parenting primarily a mother’s responsibility. And yet, there is no doubt that they love their children and they express a wish to be a friend to their sons in a way their fathers were not."

Even with these statistics, Dr. John Snarey found that new fathers put aside their bad experienceswhile growing up and apply good fathering techniques to their children. Here are some common scenarios ( from the book The New Father, A Dad’s Guide to the First Year):

• Men whose fathers were distant or non-nurturant often provide high levels of care for their children’s social-emotional and intellectual-academic development in adolescence.

• Men whose fathers provided inconsistent or inadequate supervision tend to provide high levels of care for their children’s physical-athletic development in childhood.

• Men whose fathers used or threatened to use physical punishment that instilled fear in them as boys generally provide high levels of care for their own children’s physical-athletic development.

It is the love that is embedded in our men’s hearts that has the capacity to bring about change in our families’ futures. In the absence of it, there is a void in them that longs for it and hopes to share it. If the love is present there somewhere, it can surely be brought out with the proper stimulus. We must educate our men to open their minds and hearts to the beauty of involving their hearts in nurturing the growth of their children and spouses. If they see a glimpse of what could happen when they venture in that unfamiliar field, they will surely get the hang of it.

The other day, I was so touched to see my brother-in-law Kuya Jojo (Buizon) taking care of his newborn baby girl. While the nurse was administering some tests to his daughter, he skillfully wrapped and unwrapped the baby in her blanket with ease and in between would excitedly wait for me to continue sharing with him some babywise techniques to help him support his wife in feeding and scheduling the baby’s routines. It helped that Kaila was his third child for he surely got enough practice from the two other babies who came before her but nothing magical like that could happen if Kuya Jojo didn’t allow himself to be a part of his children’s lives. One of Felichi’s (his wife) friends asked how she managed to give birth naturally to an eight-pounder. Her immediate reply was, by God’s grace and with great submission (to her husband/ coach who was firm with her even when she thought she couldn’t handle the pain). "Can you imagine the blessing in giving birth naturally?," asked Kuya Jojo. "It’s incredible! The mother ends up being alert and awake and the baby is not groggy either. The recovery is fast. It’s amazing." As he ended his sentence, I saw Felichi’s eyes twinkle with delight at the sight of a husband/father who she knows loves her and hers well.

The impact is for life. I have always marveled at how my friend Martha (Orosa Uy) manages to look her best all the time. I mean, considering she has three kids, she manages a well-run household and is on top of all her husband’s needs. She narrated to us in one of our times together, that it was her mother who inspired her to be her best because it would have an immediate effect of also feeling her best. What caught my attention though was how she described her father’s reaction each time she would come down the staircase, all dressed for a party. Often, with great enthusiasm, he would exclaim, "Vavavavoom!" That would make her really feel extremely gorgeous and she would respond, " Oh, Pappy, naman!" A simple gesture with a great effect. What magic!

The book Father Courage by Suzanne Braun Levine points out the possibility of allowing our husbands to have total control over our treasured turf – the home. It acknowledges the fact that not everyone would be willing to let go of the power, prestige and pleasure of being the guiding light in the family but if many women do so, men would naturally share the responsibility and the limelight. Levine emphasizes, " Parenting is a learning process for all concerned. And everyone changes with every station of the cross, from infancy to adolescence. It simply isn’t possible to go with the flow if you aren’t in the water." One father relates in the book that after 20 minutes of being with his child, panic starts to set in. But the more he allows himself to be with his child, the more he gets the hang of it and the more he inherits some of his wife’s instinctual nature of tracking his child emotionally.

Levine reminds parents that if they don’t get in the game of parenting, they will surely have a harder time later picking up the language, codes and rituals of their children. That if a parent considers parental leave, the best time would be when they are newborns and also when they are adolescents because you really need to be on the scene to pick up on what’s really going on with your children.

Some fathers struggle with biological constraints (like not having breasts) to be able to nurture their children as many parents view feeding as one of the most important aspects of infant care. Nursing mothers should be sensitive enough to make their husbands be a part of feeding (when they are away for the mere scent of the mother’s milk makes them look for her) their children for early bonding so that this area will not be monopolized by the mother. They should leave behind pumped milk or formula to be consumed by the baby with the assistance of the father. Fathers should catch up by taking some private time with the child – this involves skin-to-skin contact like bathing, massage, diaper changing, and cuddling. My sister-in-law, Dr. Vicky Pangilinan shares that her children enjoy lying on their father’s chest while they both sleep. It creates a bond.

There are great books available like the Father’s Almanac and The New Father, A Dad’s Guide for the First Year (National Book Store) to help give new and experienced fathers an overview of what to expect now that they are fathers and tips on how to enhance and strengthen bonds while having fun with their children without neglecting their wives.

Michael Lamb, an expert on child development, defines involvement thus:

•Engagement – also known as quality time, it is one-on-one time with the child.

•Accessibility – This may also mean that the parent may be with the child doing something else but is ready to respond to the child’s needs if necessary. For example, as I write this article, my son is beside me working on some straws and making them into designs, but every time he wants to show me a creation, I turn to him and respond with a smile or with a "good job" comment.

•Responsibility – where the parents assumes accountability for the child’s welfare.

For parents who worked outside the home, Lamb found that in engaging with their children, fathers spent about 1/3 as much as mothers, 2/3 as much time as being accessible and a minimal amount of time being responsible.

Ronald F. Levant, a psychologist at Boston University, believes that the contemporary father can take a different course if he allows himself to reactivate skills, particularly those pertaining to the emotions, to unlearn what has been ingrained in him while growing up in classic masculinity and fatherhood. He developed an eight-week course which focuses on emotions like rage, frustration, fear of intimacy, and communication. Slowly, the men became more aware of their emotions. One of the participants acknowledged that part of the transformation included going at his child’s pace. Often parents move on their own momentum not realizing that children operate on their own frame of mind. If we slow down to their pace, we will understand their wavelength. For example, a child, especially if he’s 4 years old or younger, may take forever when getting dressed because he is still discovering the art of it. If we hurry them, chances are they will get frustrated. We must allow them to go at their speed without constantly reminding them to hurry up because we are late for church or school. We can do the task for them but we rob them of the joy and the mystery of learning on their own.

There’s also the fear factor that fathers have to face. I remember a friend’s experience about her ob-gyne. She had to ask her husband to leave the delivery room because he was making everyone nervous with his questions and demands. But after that, he had a more enjoyable time bonding with his wife and new daughter. We women must realize that beneath that burly figure is a soft heart that is also sensitive. We must reward our husbands’ efforts like carrying our newborn baby or even bathing him by thanking them and reaffirming instead of constantly correcting them when it comes to handling delicate situations.

For late bloomers, it is never to late to connect. Larry Crabb, in his book Connecting, shares that although he seemed to have given his son Kepp everything possible to make sure he grew up well-rounded and a "success", he acknowledges that his efforts were powerless for a long time because Kepp became a rebellious son. One day though, he says that a power was released through him that had never been fully released before. According to Crabb, this kind of release is done through the power of God through our lives and requires understanding and entering into a kind of relating that only the gospel can make possible. He challenges people to dream big dreams of what we could mean to one another. His son Kepp is married to a woman they had prayed for since he was born – beautiful and godly. He works hard and is deeply involved in his church.

If you are a wife or mother, I encourage you to take an active role in inspiring your husbands to be drawn to your home, heart and children. This morning, my husband thanked me again (after he already praised me) for a really good dinner. I planned for that dinner not to be a success for me but I kept in mind what he dreamed of as he mentioned them to me in passing, on different occasions. I got some advice from my host/chef Jay Gamboa and ideas and tips I have been presenting in our Del Monte Kitchenomics program. I sought the support and suggestions of my helper/cook and with just the hope that my husband would never forget a homecooked meal (knowing he’d be leaving again for out of town), I managed to come up with a good meal with salad, wine and the works. My kids were also overjoyed. It didn’t take much and I don’t take all the credit for it. All it takes is a dream … Before leaving the house today, Anthony told me that he hopes to spend time with just me – doing nothing, just being together. Isn’t that wonderful? I don’t even have to demand it.

For fathers (I know I have many of you as readers), let the magic begin – it starts with one step that can progress to lasting changes in your life. Slowly, as you allow yourself to be vulnerable to the cries of those hearts aching for your time and attention, you will find joy in them and let those small joyful moments build up so that they will become part of you. Like I said, it’s never too late. Now is the time. Advance Happy Father’s Day!

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Would love to hear from you at bizwrks@attglobal.net. "Father Courage" is available at National Book Store and "Connecting" at The Master’s Library. For more cooking tips, watch Del Monte Kitchenomics at Ch.7, 1-1:30 p.m.