How to thwart an underwear bomber

On Christmas Day a man tried to blow up a Northwest Airlines flight to Detroit using explosives hidden in his underwear. Fortunately something went wrong. His fellow passengers noticed that his pants were on fire and tackled him, averting catastrophe. The investigation is underway.

It sounds like a plot summary for an Austin Powers or Get Smart movie, and it will provide plenty of material for comedy writers — “Is that a bomb in your shorts or are you just happy to see me? If only it didn’t happen.”

We can now look forward to passengers being questioned for cracking jokes about detonating shorts. And this is the Philippines, where we can’t help but crack jokes. When a security guard inspects your bag, pokes at something and asks what that is, the natural response is, “A bomb.” Which will get you hauled away, and you can’t really blame the security personnel because these are their instructions. One of terrorism’s great crimes against humanity is the way it makes people suspicious of humor.

The immediate effect of the pants- bombing attempt is additional screening measures at airports. According to the website of the US Transportation Security Administration, “Passengers flying into the United States from abroad can expect to see additional security measures at international airports such as increased gate screening including pat-downs and bag searches. During flight, passengers may be asked to follow flight crew instructions, such as stowing personal items, turning off electronic equipment and remaining seated during certain portions of the flight.”

These portions reportedly include the descent and landing of the plane. Good luck to those who have to use the toilet. Those passengers who stand up and rummage in the overhead bins for their luggage before the plane has stopped can expect more serious disciplinary measures. I’ve seen flight attendants yelling, “Sit down! Get back in your seats!” as the plane taxied on the runway, but the offending passengers just feign deafness.

Eight years ago, also during the holiday season, an Al Qaeda recruit tried to blow up an American Airlines flight using explosives stashed in his shoe. Analysts say he carried a plastic explosive with a chemical fuse which, like the underwear bomb, could not be spotted by metal detectors. The shoe bomber was foiled but his failed villainy has continuing consequences for us travelers: We have to take our shoes off for the airport security check.

You may now speculate on what you will be asked to remove at your next airport security check. I know people who have taken to wearing flip-flops when they travel, to spare themselves the hassle. I wonder if new security measures will lead to an increase in the wearing of thongs in the air.

In 2006 the Al Qaeda planned to blow up planes flying from Britain to the US using liquid explosives dyed to look like sports drinks. They were foiled, thankfully, but since then we’ve had to deal with stringent restrictions on shampoo, toothpaste, moisturizer, and all other liquids and gels in our carry-on bags. They have to be in three-ounce or smaller containers placed in a single quart-size zip-top clear plastic bag. Regular plastic bags with the tops folded over are not allowed. A half-filled six-ounce container is verboten.

We wouldn’t have to carry liquids and gels if the airlines took to providing us with toiletries during the flight, but you’d have to fly Business Class for those.

Airports already X-ray our luggage to make sure we’re not lugging dangerous items. I propose that they start X-raying not just the bags but the passengers themselves. That way airport security can ascertain that there is plastique in some pants and plastic in other body parts.

But why stop there? Airlines and hospitals can get together to provide full-body X-ray or MRI screening. This way a flight to New York turns into a medical check-up. After your X-ray, you get a certification that you are not attempting to crash an airplane. Plus a clean bill of health. If the scan detects potential health issues, the technician can give you a note recommending that you have your pancreas, spleen, or other organs checked.

This way passengers can stop regarding air travel as a necessary inconvenience and start seeing it as an experience essential to their health and well-being. Airlines are always going on about how much they care. Here’s their chance to show it.