Magellan navigating Edsa

It’s a sad state of affairs when you have to explain to the taxi driver what EDSA is. At first you think it’s a rare occurrence — the driver must be newly-arrived from some remote region — but more and more you find yourself directing cabbies in minute detail. (“We’re turning right on Ayala. That’s the next corner. Uh, you should be moving towards the right so we can turn right?”) But for the fact that someone else’s mitts are on the steering wheel, you are the driver.

You know how hard it is to drive with your mouth? It’s more exhausting than driving yourself because you’re thinking for two.

In many countries taxi drivers have to take a test to prove that they know their way around their city. A thorough knowledge of the terrain is particularly important if you’re driving in Metro Manila. A wrong turn could lead to a hefty fine, an extra hour of stewing in traffic, or both. Given the narrowness of many streets, road congestion, and the absence of street signs, vehicles literally have very little room to maneuver and there is a higher probability of accidents.

Taxi drivers should be required to take an exam on metropolitan geography before being allowed to take passengers’ lives in their hands. Good luck with that. You’re supposed to know the traffic rules and regulations before you can get a driver’s license. Every driver on the road has a license. Does it look like the rules are being observed? Oh, right, they know the rules, they just don’t follow them.

Terrifying thought: Do most drivers really understand road signs? Do we really want to know?

The obvious technological solution for the navigationally-challenged is to install GPS in taxis. GPS or Global Positioning System is an accurate navigational and surveying facility. You tell it where you want to go, and it gives you directions. You’re more likely to reach your destination without having a nervous breakdown.

Requiring taxis to install GPS will lead to an outcry among taxi operators. We can already hear the litany: the expense will kill their business, they’re already suffering from the oil price increases — wait, those have gone down, but consider the cost of living, they’ll have to pass the cost on to the consumers, leading to an outcry among consumers, and so on.

The other problem is the data for the GPS. Many of the newer cars are equipped with the system, but they’re useless without accurate digital maps of Metro Manila. I am told that BMW provides maps on CD for their GPS — what are the chances that BMW taxis will soon be plying the streets of Mega Manila? You’re lucky to find a cab whose door can be opened from the inside.

Our megalopolis poses special problems for cartographers. Streets are not organized radially or on a grid pattern, in fact “organized” is a stretch. This is part of Mega Manila’s charm: the street that is called ABC suddenly and for no apparent reason turns into DEF, houses have “old” numbers and “new” numbers or no numbers, and number 85 is facing 1221. The logic for this is lost in the mists of quantum relativity. Yes, it’s charming. Until you have to go someplace.

Even if you do get the correct data for your GPS, you’d need regular updates on the ever-changing traffic rules. A pink fence appears, a U-turn slot disappears, a street is declared “one-way”.

Then there are the renamed streets. Having grown up referring to “Pasay Road” and “Buendia,” I keep forgetting to call them “Arnaiz” and “Senator Gil Puyat Avenue.” This could lead to arguments like:

“Bwenja!”

“Hell Poyat!”

“Bwenja!”

“Hell Poyat!”

It is a debate no one can win.

At least I have no problem with the assortment of signs on sidewalks, streets, and empty lots. The grammar and spelling may be funky, but consider the creative possibilities. For years my friend Obi-Wan has been planning to write a romantic story in which “U-Turn Slut” meets “Parking Fool.”

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