You got Trumped!

Republican candidate Donald Trump somehow manages to combine the worst aspects of Andrew Dice Clay and Triumph the Insult Dog.

Watching the first Republican debates on Fox News the other day, I was flummoxed by a stage of identical-looking haircuts: a field of Sam Donaldsons with side-swept black parts, and answers that never managed to distinguish one candidate from the mix. How do Republicans choose one from the other?

Well, you put up there alongside them a control subject. Someone who’s so obnoxiously different, he makes the rest stand right out. Someone like Donald Trump.

Trump — and to a lesser extent Rand Paul, the Kentucky senator whose multicolored poodle ‘do hides some pretty conservative ideas — stood out with his trademark processed weave.

He also stood out by, well, just being The Donald. A man with no time for civility, Trump actually gained a bunch of hoots and applause waves from audience members seated for the Fox debates.

Surprisingly, Fox did a fairly sane, sedate job of lobbing questions to the 10 possible candidates — at least this early on in the election proceedings — that ranged from immigration to abortion to What God Thinks Of My Haircut.

Fox News is a right-leaning media outlet, just as MNSBC and Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show can be termed left-leaning. That’s what you call equal time.

But many quibbled about Fox News being in the lofty position of choosing who would be allowed to debate — based on its own polling numbers on candidates. A field of 10 resulted from a much larger pack (the leftovers were allowed to debate later at what pundits called “the kids’ table”: the same auditorium emptied out of actual audience members, leaving the strange sight of candidates speaking before empty chairs).

Among the Chosen 10 was a quiet, softspoken retired neurosurgeon name Dr. Ben Carson who conceded his lack of political or governmental experience. He would go on to point out, though, what he had accomplished: “I’ve separated Siamese twins,” he began (though this term itself seemed reserved for the Fox audience, who have no time for the more politically — and medically — correct term “conjoined twins”) and then recited a list of medical achievements that ended with “I’ve even removed half a brain — though that’s apparently very common already in Washington.” Much appreciative laughter. He also answered a question about the ethics of waterboarding with a mild shrug: “I don’t need to know how they get information.”

Underneath the homilies, and the fact that he was the only African-American onstage (Fox’s quota apparently only called for “either one woman or one minority candidate”), Dr. Carson probably harbors some ideas that may not exactly be mainstream. We don’t really know. Most voters don’t know all these people — and a 90-minute TV debate is not exactly the best venue for exposing their real, deeply felt views.

Carson’s total lack of Washington experience, of course, is a plus among conservatives who hate government — though he is a very, very long shot. Conservatives love to say they’d do away with government completely — or actually, just the parts they have no use for, such as education and Obamacare. They are — no surprise — big fans of a bigger military, as contradictory as this may seem. Many of the questions focused on President Obama’s “failure” by reducing the size of the military over his two terms. It was the kind of point that made people like Mike Huckabee almost take off his shoe and strike the podium in rage. “The purpose of the military is to kill people and break things!” he spat, when delivered an inside-curve question about whether changes in military rules would lead to “transgenders being allowed to serve” and (good Lord!) receiving sexual reassignment surgery under their soldier benefits. You could practically see the foam coming from his mouth, as the red meat was waved before the Fox audience.

First of all, the military has other purposes besides “killing people and breaking things,” despite Huckabee’s attempt at a sound bite. It’s made up of engineers and other technicians as well, people who actually build things. And secondly, the chance of a transgender or two joining military service and actually availing of whatever benefits they’re entitled to is remote, but if they’re willing to die for their country to do it, what’s the big deal?

Trump sidestepped a question about how he built a $10 billion empire by, in part, writing off huge losses, such as the bankrupt Trump Tower in Atlantic City, New Jersey. He said any businessman — or any American — would take advantage of such “legal” loopholes to maximize their profits. Anybody who says he wouldn’t, claims Trump, is “a bozo” who’s “not living in the real world.”

Florida governor Jeb Bush, who should have knocked one out of the ball park at Wednesday’s debate, came across as quietly wonky — a smarter, less twitchy version of his cousin George W. Bush. He needs to step up his game if he wants to take out the likes of Trump, who somehow manages to combine the worst aspects of Andrew Dice Clay and Triumph the Insult Dog.

Trump proved himself an even bigger bruiser and possible misogynist when asked a question by Fox debate moderator Megyn Kelly about his frequent disparaging comments about women. “You’ve called women you don’t like fat pigs, dogs, slobs and disgusting animals,” she pointed out.

“Only Rosie O’Donnell,” Trump shot back.

Ba-da-boom! Rimshot!

You see, Mr. Trump doesn’t have time — nor does he think Americans have time — for “total political correctness,” as he said in response to Kelly’s question.

The Donald certainly does not have time — though he did take the time afterward to label Kelly “a bimbo,” and told ABC, in reference to her questioning, “There was blood coming out of her eyes, coming out of her wherever.”

Implying that a debate moderator’s questions were menstrual-related? Not so presidential.

This kind of tit-for-tat could be the reason that many Republican groups are backing away from inviting Trump to speak in future, questioning whether he has the “temperament” to lead the country.

What they should remember is that Trump has never really concerned himself with political correctness. Never, ever, ever. Unfortunately, he thinks most Americans are exactly like him (minus the $10 billion, of course): similarly fed up with political correctness and in need of some “plain speaking.” Double unfortunately, he may be right.

But let’s get real here. Can you really picture Andrew Dice Clay, in his woman-bashing prime, leading the United States of America? Abso-freaking-lutely not.

At best, he was wildly entertaining and brought a bunch of viewers to tune in to Fox News, made it easier to distinguish who is “serious” about governing and who is simply an arrogant pr**k, and possibly made it harder for the Republicans to marshal enough votes to back a strong “moderate” candidate by stealing away the “mad as hell” voters. That’s politics, baby.

But as to Trump’s claim that Americans don’t “have time” for political correctness: maybe not, Donald. But what about civility? How about decency? Are those terms also obsolete in America 2015?