‘Masakit na masarap’

They had me at “libido.”

 From the country that has brought the world sushi, used schoolgirl panties vending machines and Pokemon comes the newest invention that is guaranteed to give you a happy ending: Karada.

Karada (which means “body” in English) was developed in Yokohama and blends techniques from chiropractic treatments, judoseifuku, osteopathy, Thai massage and other traditional Japanese massage techniques. However, contrary to No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) who think that this is a massage that will haunt their Catholic guilt complex, Karada is more of a seitai (roughly translated into “body maintenance”) which promotes better health and, among other things, enhances libido (but what you do with that libido, my dear NGSBs, could haunt your guilt complex).

Since my libido has been on the wane (what with all the high cholesterol levels from the pork barrel), my wife cattle-prodded me to Karada’s Greenbelt Radisson’s Branch to get my libido stimulated without having to violate any of my marital commitments.

Prior to my treatment, I was asked to fill up a client profile sheet with my chief complaints. “You mean aside from the horrendous traffic along EDSA, the failure to abolish the pork barrel and Devina DeDiva? Can I have another 10 sheets of paper, please?” I asked. 

“No, sir.” The therapist replied. “Just your health-related complaints.”

“Well, Devina DeDiva was giving me high blood.”

After changing into a stylish ninja-black outfit, I began the first part of my Karada treatment with a foot massage. As I hopped onto the massage bed, the therapist cautioned me. “Sir, the treatment will be itakimochii.”

“Is that something that my wife will approve of?”

“It means masakit na masarap (painful but relaxing). That’s the main concept or our treatment: it hurts at first but it makes you feel better because it removes the waste products from your body. So if you want me to lessen the pressure, please tell me.”

“Those were last words my urologist told me on my last visit.”

“Sir, please assume a prolonged sitting position.”

“Is that legal?”

He asked me to stretch my arms forward and reach for my feet. After checking to see if I had any ingrown toenails, six-inch toe hairs or additional toes, he asked me to lie down and started to press down at the ball of my left foot with his thumb. “Sir, foot reflexology is all about stimulation.”

“As long as the stimulation doesn’t reach my pink parts, I’m all for that.”

“It is good for insomnia, constipation, dysmenorrhea…”

“Grabe nga ang dysmenorrhea ko, e (Yes, my dysmenorrhea is really awful).”

“Foot reflexology targets the reflex zones of the muscles and internal organs of the body that are on the feet. There are waste products that are located in specific reflex zones. For example, if you have insomnia, it means that waste products have accumulated in your feet in the area that corresponds to your head. That’s why you aren’t able to sleep well.”

“So basically all my waste products are stuck in my feet? Then why didn’t God give me an orifice there?”

“Sir, now I’m putting pressure on the reflex zones of your kidney, urethra and gall bladder because these are where your waste products are excreted. You will want to urinate after this treatment.”

“That’s better than urinating during the treatment.”

His hands traveled down to the lower portion of my heel. “This the reflex zone for the pelvis and the gonads (RJ’s note: that’s the polite way of saying testicles).  When we stimulate these areas through reflexology, it helps regulate (menstruation for female gonads) and enhances libido. Sometimes, our libido needs to be stimulated through the feet.”

“So Karada stimulates you in ways that no foot fetish porn can ever do. Better start deleting from my hard drive.” 

“You’ll eliminate the waste products that inhibit your libido in different ways. Some people pee it out (with very yellowish urine), poo, sweat, belch, fart, get colds or get feverish. Some even throw it up. Lahat ng pwedeng labasan ng toxins, lalabasan pagkatapos (Anywhere the toxins can come out, will come out after the treatment).”

“Sana labasan na ako (I hope I can let it all out soonest).”

 â€œHere are your gonads, Sir.”

“You don’t have to let everybody in the room know that you’re touching my gonads.”

“Do you feel the parts down there na parang bilog-bilog (that are round in shape)?”

“Should I feel some bilog-bilog down there? My urologist never visits that area during a checkup.”

“That’s what they call gori-gori in Japanese. Those are the waste products that need to be stimulated.”

Once the therapist was done with my gonads, the therapist alternately kneaded, tapped and karate chopped my calves and the back of the knees to make sure that there was no gori-gori would escape his wrath.  As soon as the treatment was done, I excitedly ran to the banyo to see if any of the once-dormant gori-gori that burst out of my urethra resembled a Pokemon.

After urinating out several thousand microscopic Japanese movie monster rejects, I was ushered into a new cubicle for their signature AP (Atlas-Pelvis) Balance treatments. 

“Sir, AP Balance is a technique where we treat stress and anxieties by aligning the Atlas (the first cervical bone that holds the base of your head) and the Pelvis (the main base of the body). When we align these two points, we can relieve body pain and keep it from recurring,” the therapist explained.

“AP Balance includes bone alignment and muscle treatment. If (the Atlas) is not aligned, then your nerves are pinched. If your nerves are pinched, then there is numbness or body pain that can affect your lower back and your legs. When a person is stressed, this is the first thing that is affected. Since aligning the Atlas directly approaches the autonomic nervous system, your stress can be eased. In fact, 70 percent of your body pain is due to stress.”

“But if you eliminate all 70 percent of my stress, what else will I do with my life?”

“When your pelvis is not properly aligned, then your blood won’t circulate correctly. This causes waste to accumulate in your feet. That’s why girls who have thick legs that look swollen: because of the accumulation of waste products.”

“That explains a lot about my yaya.”

“When you improve the blood flow, everything else will follow. It treats insomnia, constipation…” 

“I hope the cure to insomnia and constipation doesn’t kick in at the same time.”

The therapist began to assess the limitations in the mobility, shoulder discrepancies and other problematic body parts that my wife had covered in her search warrant. Then he asked me to lie facedown and used both his hands to press against the length of my spine.

“Sir, matigas ang upper back ninyo (Your upper back is hard). It runs down to your mid and lower back.”

“Tigasin talaga ako (I’m really hard).”

“Naku, your muscles in the back are protruding and your spine is anterior. Ideally, your spine should have an S-curve.” 

“Why, what letter of the alphabet do I have on my spine?”

“Nabaligtad siya eh (It seems to be reversed). Let me check your spine some more.” He pressed down more vigorously on my back. “It feels like your right side is shorter than your left side. But that problem is in the pelvis.”

“The problems of my pelvis are due to the excesses of my youth.”

I was asked to lie down face up again and he checked my neck. “The stiffness of your upper back is connected to your neck.” He pressed down on a portion of my neck that made me squeal like a straight man in a Saudi prison. 

“The pain here has to do with the Atlas which is the exit point of the nerves. If it is misaligned, then there will be intense pain coming from this area because the nerves are pinched.”

“Could you tell all that when I hit falsetto?”

“Aside from your skeletal structure, the AP treatment also addresses your tight muscles. There is also a body treatment that targets your tight muscles. But afterwards, your muscles will loosen up and you will end up feeling relieved.”

“I relieved myself for a considerable time in the banyo earlier.”

The final assessment was what they called an Atlas mind test (which I mistakenly thought would be a test to find out if I had mutant powers). I was asked to make a fist and extend my right hand upwards. Then he asked me to push my arm towards my head while he pushed my arm in the opposite direction. Aside from this test not revealing my mutant mind powers, it also revealed that I couldn’t push firmly against his arm.  

“Because your nerves aren’t aligned, you aren’t able to transmit the strength that you needed to your arm,” the therapist revealed. “I would say that your body movement is only operating at 85 percent efficiency.”

“You mean to tell me all the lubrication I performed on myself in my youth was all for naught?”

“When your nerves aren’t aligned, you can’t control your hormonal balance which exacerbates stress. Part of you hormonal balance includes your libido. AP Balance will stimulate your ‘dormant’ libido.”

(DOM representative: My libido has been dormant since the Paleolithic.)

“They say massage stimulates libido, but with Karada it enhances it sobra-sobra  (over the top).”

“My wife might regret sending me over here. Does it also improve your ubo ubo, performance?”

“AP Balance is a stamina booster so your endurance improves. That’s why this treatment is called ‘body maintenance.’”

(DOM representative: Let’s hope my pacemaker can take it.)

“When the body is misaligned, it can also lead to depression or irritation. That’s why there are some people who are always angry. Most of the people who are always angry don’t realize that they are misaligned.”

“Dapat ipa-karada ko si Yaya (I should send yaya to Karada). I know this is difficult, but will Karada make me more aesthetically pleasing than I already am?”

“Yes Sir, it improves your facial expressions! There is also swelling on the face that stems from misalignment. Some people feel that their faces are so thick. But their faces will get thinner from the treatment.”

“You must get many political clients here in Karada. Okay, I’m ready to go sobra-sobra.” 

Once my assessment was completed and they had placed masking tape against my mouth, they brought in Karada’s regional manager Hiroaki Naruse to work on hammering my spine back into alignment.

Hiroaki-san cradled my head (the maritally-approved one) firmly with both hands and started to work on my Atlas area by loosening up the spaces around my neck that were tight. After clearing enough space around my neck so that it could finally be used as a runway, he placed both of his hands squarely on my shoulders and pushed down on them to simultaneously ease up my shoulders and widen my pecs (pectoral muscles yan, ha. Pectoral muscles).  Through a translator, Hiraoki-san said that I had well-formed muscles.

“Please don’t flatter me,” I smirked. “I’m married.” 

Unfortunately, my alignment — and consequently my posture — were poor he informed me. Since my muscles were tight, it would be more of a challenge to adjust my spine.

“Let me know if you need a wrench or some rusty pliers. I’ve got some on standby,” my yaya volunteered.

Then, twisting my body into a position that led me to believe Hiraoki was a wrestler in his former life, he spent several minutes adjusting my spine into the proper alphabet shape. 

After I stood up from the AP Balance treatment, I could feel its immediate benefits: my once-hunched shoulders were pulled back, my chest had expanded wide enough for me to offer advertising space, my upper body felt so loose that I could probably give Gary Valenciano a run for his money in a dance off, I was now urinating 76 times a day, I had enough libido circulating in my system to activate the Bataan Nuclear Power Plant. And I resembled Derek Ramsay.

But now I have to explain to my wife that a man had touched my gonads.

* * *

For comments, suggestions or blank, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com. Follow @rjled on Twitter and @rjled610 on Instagram.

Contact Karada at 553-8731 for Glorietta and 843-7425 for Greenbelt Radisson branches.