Jingle all the way

For all the DOMs, Under de Sayas (UDS) and No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) who need a little help jingling their bells for the holiday season, here’s an early Christmas gift from some naughty elves: an excerpt from my upcoming mini-book that deals with (among other things) a topic which will never win me a Catholic Mass Media Award: aphrodisiacs.

If you need any help ingesting any of these aphrodisiacs, my yaya is more than willing to provide assistance.

HOW THE WEST WAS WON

(A.K.A. A Western Medicine Perspective on Aphrodisiacs)

RJ LEDESMA: Since we have sworn off rhino horns as aphrodisiacs, especially because we are unsure as to what orifice to fit them into, I would like to know your take on “traditional” aphrodisiacs. Let’s start with alcohol — and I’m not talking about the rubbing kind, doc.

WESTERN DOCTOR: Certain alcoholic drinks in mild amounts can have an aphrodisiac effect. But if you take anything more than a glass of wine, then it becomes a depressant. If you’re in the right mood and you take wine in small amounts, then it can dilate the blood vessels which is very good for the heart and very good for the penis.

I am okay with any substance that makes both those organs very good at the same time. Now how about Spanish fly?

Spanish fly or cantharides has been here for centuries.

Really? It probably arrived with the first boatload of coños.

During the time of royalty, they used to take it because — from experience (not the doctor’s experience) — many of them thought that it would enhance their sexual desire. King Henry and some of the French royalty popularized the use of Spanish fly.

And look where it got the French royalty.

Spanish fly is a bug most probably found in Spain that has a luminescent, green, bitter substance. When animals take Spanish fly, it makes them go after the mate. However, the reason they go after their mate is because Spanish fly irritates the urethra, the urinary tract and the penis. So it’s more of a poison.

There must be easier ways to irritate the penis that don’t require performing flamenco in your urinary tract. Maybe if you speak to the penis in a derogatory manner? 

The reason that you want to have intercourse when you take Spanish fly is because you want to get rid of the irritation from the urinary passage. But it is not being used any more.

Why, what happens if human beings take too take much Spanish fly? Will I start growing antennae?

If you take too much of it, you can die.

Thank God the fly I ate spoke Portuguese. How about if you take Korean Bug?

It is almost the same principle as the Spanish fly. The Korean Bug contains a certain drug that is squeezed out of it that supposedly stimulates you.

I suppose all that squeezing is what causes you to become more amorous.  

The drug that is squeezed out of the bug increases the sensitivity and inflammation of the urinary tract. Because your urinary tract is irritated, you want to relieve yourself by indulging in sex.

Oh, what a relief it is. So Korean Bug doesn’t really make you horny?

No, no. It just irritates you.

Just like watching everyone perform Gangnam Style during Christmas parties. I’ve heard of a “Soup Number Five,” which my wife (yes, really, my wife) says is a broth of boiled bulls testes? Does this really increase your testosterone levels or are those just stories used to scare young bulls to sleep?

If it has enough testosterone, then yes, it can raise your levels of testosterone.

Boiled balls soup. That shakes me to the core of my sexuality. And how about the medical world’s gift to stroke survivors, DOMs and ex-presidents worldwide, Viagra?

Viagra was supposed to dilate certain blood vessels in the heart and improve circulation. But the medicine didn’t have too much of a good effect on the heart. Despite that, the male patients in the clinical trials never returned the tablets, so the researchers were curious as to why this was so. Upon further inquiry, they discovered that Viagra caused a very good erection on this particular set of men with erectile dysfunction.

So now we know what is the best way to a man’s heart.

IS THAT A DEER ANTLER OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

(A.K.A. Traditional Chinese Medicine Perspective on Aphrodisiacs)

CHINESE DOCTOR: When it comes to aphrodisiacs for men, there are two aspects that must be considered. This is similar to idea in Western medicine called “point and shoot.” The parasympathetic nervous system is in charge of “pointing” while the sympathetic nervous system is in charge of “shooting.” In Chinese medicine, the “yang” aspect helps you get it up, while the “yin” aspect helps you shoot. 

And I’m sure many a No Girlfriend Since Birth (NGSB) has had ample target practice.

In Chinese medicine, the “yang” is about expansion. If one has a “yang” deficiency, he will be unable to get it to stand at attention. 

That is attention-deficit disorder at its worst.

The “yin” aspect deals with both the quality of your “genetic material” and the subsequent — ahem — release of that “material.” So Chinese aphrodisiacs have to deal with both the yin and yang aspects of the man.

I didn’t realize how much diplomacy was involved in the release of genetic material.

For patients who have a problem with getting it up, they usually just purchase over-the-counter red ginseng because it supposedly strengthens the “yin.” However, getting it up is a problem of the kidney “yang.” When you have a problem like this, you tend to use—

Hydraulic equipment? Suction cups?

Deer antler.

Hmm, so you get some deer antler and some scotch tape and…?

No, no, you use it an as ingredient for a tonic. That’s because one of the principles in Chinese medicine is that you take on the qualities of what you eat. Deer antlers also reduce the “yang” deficiency of the body. In particular, the bud of the deer antler is the most potent because it possesses all of the sexual maturity energy that is ready to emerge.

As long as I don’t grow antlers where they don’t belong, that’s fine by me. 

When it comes to Chinese medicine, it is always better to consult an expert as there is often a tendency for patients to self-medicate. For example, a lot of male patients take a lot of “yang” tonics like ginseng to help them stand at attention. However, ginseng is a warming food. If you have too much ginseng, you end up burning your reserves.

Which may explain why many DOMs spontaneously combust. It’s either that or because of the wrath of God.

And if you burn up your reserves, your body becomes tired. That is why you also need a lot of cooling foods like sea cucumbers. They’re excellent in the long-term for nourishing essence. Sea cucumbers are perfect because they are also warming, so it’s got a little bit of “yang” to help you get it up, but it also nourishes the essence so it helps keep your “yin” from coming out.

(NGSB representative: We can’t have any yin coming out prematurely.)

I thought sea cucumbers were created to give men an inferiority complex.

They need to be consumed over time. These are aphrodisiacs in the sense that they enable you to perform but not necessarily to perform right then and there.

Not everybody is good at live performances.  

TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF

(A.K.A. A Naturopath’s Perspective

on Aphrodisiacs)

For all the barely surviving DOMs and the hopelessly optimistic NGSBs, what are the natural aphrodisiacs that will work on them? 

NATUROPATH: One of the best ways to approach aphrodisiacs from a naturopathic point of view is what I call “natural Viagra,” which is a mixture of gingko biloba, pantothenic acid (vitamin B5) and choline. Gingko biloba thins your blood to improve your circulation. Unless you have good circulation, then nitric oxide will not enter your best friend, and you will not be able to stand at attention. Secondarily, gingko also works on your libido. Meanwhile, pantothenic acid is for your adrenal glands.  

How about the other “natural aphrodisiacs” that we see heavily advertised? Like Tongkat Ali, the worst-kept secret of Giselle Sanchez’s domestic bliss? 

Well, Tongkat Ali is a stimulator for testosterone. As for products like ginseng, ginseng just makes your blood hot.

Hmmm, I could probably do without ginseng. I’m hot enough as it is.

(Sorry about that, my husband is under medication — RJ’s wife)

But if you want a “natural aphrodisiac” that works like Viagra, but without the heart attack, then I recommend “Blue Tiger.” 

(Legion of DOMs: Then don’t keep us in suspense! Our life support systems won’t hold out for much longer.)

Blue Tiger is a bunch of Chinese plants that make you very, very amorous. It has ingredients like Panax ginseng, Siberian ginseng, yohimbe, macaberries and other different berries and weeds that induce amorous behavior. 

And for those DOMs who are gasping for their final breaths looking for that magic pill that will let them die with a smile etched on their faces, what is that aphrodisiac?

There is pill that is composed of several herbs that play both in the mind and on the circulation. It contains choline, pantothenic acid, gingko biloba, yohimbe, horny goat weed and several others. The pill is called “Ropex.” What does this pill do? Well, men do not have the capacity to have multiple “peaks” during intercourse like women can have. Men can only experience one or two “ropes,” then the peak is over (“Ropes” refers to the physical contractions that a man experiences during the “peak” of intercourse. These “ropes” are also called “waves.” That’s what one of the card-carrying member of the Legion of DOMs told me.  Honest — RJ’s note). “Ropex” magnifies your “peak.” It increases the number of “waves” during your “peak” to simulate multiple “peaks.”

Naku doc, kung magka-tsunami sa Pilipinas (If there is a tsunami that hits the Philippines), then it’s all your fault.

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For comments, suggestions or if you want some penance, please e-mail Ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net.