Getting the Axe

Check out this police lineup.

Celebrities Ellen Adarna. Regine Angeles. Karen Bordador. Ryza Cenon. Vanessa del Moral. Bangs Garcia. Sheena Halili. Stephanie Henares. Nina Jose. Bianca King. Sarah Lahbati. Andi Manzano. Karel Marquez. Chloe McCulley. Diva Montelaba. Iwa Moto. Kylie Padilla. Jinri Park. Sam Pinto. Stef Prescott. Gwendolyn Ruais. Nadine Samonte. Lou Sison. Princess Snell. Chariz Solomon. Lauren Young. Megan Young. Jacqueline Yu. Gwen Zamora. 

 Models Rhoanne Aguilar. Jannie Alipo-on. Asia Anderson. Jessica Aqrueza. Mica Arojado. Glazel Balajadia. Cherrysh Bautista. Marissa Benitez. Honey Castletort. Paula Chavez. Joy Cortez. Agatha Cristobal. Noelle de Guzman. Kathy Dela Paz. Vanessa delos Reyes. Alyssa Mariz Encarnacion. Keiko Enriquez. Krish Enriquez. Dorina Groh. Ava Guiao. Abegail Kindipan. Aicah Lobregat. Joh-Anne Malvar. Wyn Marquez. Maria Martinez. Janilyn Medina. Sugar Meneses. Allendale Meris. Colleen Mijares. Kates Ocampo. Yuri Okawa. Precious Ollada. Nadine Amada Ortega. Anna Paz. Sara Polverini. Anne Real. Alexandra Santos. Krizzie Santos. Joannah See. Carla Temblique. Marjorie Timbalopez. Crisalda Villanueva. Mary Yasol. Anicka Lyca Yu.

Fans Nina Adrias. Joan Albano. Denise Alvarez. Nicole Marie Atal. Regine Grace Cruz. Angelique de Leon. Trixie Esguerra. Maria Anna Etang. Fatimah Francia. Catherine Gabionza. April Jongay. Meenakshi Mahtani. Cielo Ong. Karen Punzalan. Rose Ann Quilantang. Sheine Deanna Ramos. Sassydharls. Deinz Serrano. Sophia. Angelene Camille Tankeko. Erika Torreda. Joanna Yap.Raila Zapata. 

But at the end of Axe Anarchy Cops and Robbers Event, there was only one comedienne — Petra Halimuyak — who got the last laugh.

And so it came to pass in an event that involved a hundred female celebrities, media personalities and models role-playing as cops (minus the beer bellies), chasing after, frisking, and possibly violating the human rights of a hundred desperate and happy violated males role-playing as robbers (their beer bellies, however, were not role playing), that a cop and robber each went home with a million pesos. Each.

PHILIPPINE STAR: How exactly did you guys at Axe come up with this game? Was it a creative burst of genius? Was it an act of desperation? Or are there just a lot of DOMs and No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) in your employ?

GEM (Axe brand manager): Both of us who are handling Axe are pretty young guys. We’re 22 and 25.

(DOM representative: You’re never too young to be part of the secret society.)

We talked with each other and said “’di ba bro, mahilig tayo sa chicks?”

(DOM representative: That’s the primary qualification to join our secret society. That, and access to complimentary Viagra.)

So I told my partner, what if we get a hundred chicks? Then he asked what we would do with them? I told him I didn’t know, basta the more important thing was that there were 100 girls.  

(NGSB representative: Are there any openings in your company?)

Then we worked a plan with our advertising agency that turned into a grand-scale habulan.

I commend all the extensive market research that went into making your decision. And was there any specific reason that the date 6/9 was chosen for the event?

No particular reason. (Laughs)

NGSB representative: I wish I could count that high.

How was the game supposed to work?

Basically, we wanted to make the cops (girls) chase the robbers (guys), who were handcuffed. The cops (girls) and robbers (boys) were each given serial numbers. The cops had to find the robber with their corresponding serial numbers.

And how would the cops go about that? Beat the robbers with a nightstick? Shoot Taser guns into their pink parts? Give them a body cavity search?

By lifting up the robbers’ shirts to reveal the serial numbers hidden underneath. The numbers were posted on different areas of their body — on the stomach, the back, the neck and the left and right arm. There were several markers on the floor where the robbers could be frisked by the girls. But instead of being frisked, the guys were just swarmed by the girls to see if their numbers matched.

That must have been a traumatic experience. For the girls.

If a cop and robber found their matching serial numbers, they would win P1 million each.

The girls can always pay for trauma treatment. What was the process in choosing the men who would participate? Psychological testing? NBI records?  Asymmetrical forearms?

They should have the personality and the Axe look.

So dapat mukhang tinaga sila? Since this was a running game, I am guessing the male participants needed some level of physical fitness to participate?

The men just have to breathe.

(DOM representative: Does using an oxygen tank count as breathing?)

Were only single men eligible for the game? Or could married men join the game provided they wore chastity belts and signed waiver forms from their wives?

Well, our male winner is married.

(Axe Male Winner: As long as you can run away from your wife. Ha!)

No wonder we’re conducting this interview while running. And how did you choose the cops for the event?

I had to interview most of the female participants where the most important question was, “What is the most interesting thing about you?”

I hope that these interviews were conducted under parental supervision.

We would get really weird answers. Some of them not even verbal.

I can read the DOM representative’s mind. Stop thinking that before I disconnect your oxygen tank. 

One woman showed us that she could pop her elbow out of her socket.

And on that note, I’d like to congratulate Eric Losloso for winning one million smackeroos after being frisked by over 100 female celebrities. Oh, and thank you for the 15-percent commission you are giving me for writing about you in my column. What was your winning answer that made them pick you for the contest?

ERIC LOSLOSO: I can push everyone around because I’m that much of a macho guy. (Laughs)

I can see how macho you are by the way you wear that bimpo on your back. This was a highly physical competition. How did you manage to keep up? Were you an athlete in your previous life?

In my previous, previous life… (Laughs) I’m actually an I.T. administrator for a business newspaper and am a freelance writer for lifestyle and technology.

You must have very muscular fingers. I understand that you’re a married man. I’m surprised that your wife let you join the event without having you chemically castrated first.

The truth is it was my wife who was pushing me to join the event. In fact, when my wife told my son that I was joining the “sexiest cops and robbers” event, my son said, “Eh, ba’t kasama si Dad?”

We should start teaching our kids to lie at an earlier age, especially if they plan to run for public office. And what was your strategy for the contest?

Strategy ko Magpa-cute lang ng time na yon.

Kung ganyan pala, I could’ve won the million pesos!

All I really wanted to do was get my picture taken with the female celebrities. When we first saw the first few batches of cops, I said “Yan ba ang maghuhubad sa atin mamaya?  Pwede bang hubarin nila kami ngayon palang?” (Laughs)

(DOM representative: Pwedeng magpahubad rin? My male nurse is not doing a good job at changing my adult diapers.)  

Was it difficult to stay cute until the end of the game?

I think there came a point when the girls started becoming desperate! (Laughs) I had gone around the venue five times, and it was during the fifth time that I was body-searched by Bianca King and several other actresses and models. And because my serial numbers were located way inside my shirt, the girls really had to take off my shirt to see my numbers. It was really embarrassing! My stomach was totally exposed.

That was a total violation of the girls’ human rights!

But it was during the fifth time that Petra found me!

So Petra Mahalimuyak (a.k.a Ashley Rivera a.k.a. whatever voice is speaking in your head right now), why do you think you won this contest?

PETRA MAHALIMUYAK: I guess I won dahil sa pagka-Petra (comedy character) ko. Because I’m crazy, I’m wild, I don’t care.

Or is it because you forgot to take your medication? How were you chosen for the competition?

Honestly, I don’t know! Basta I made pilit Axe! I asked them what does it take for me to be a cop!? I just really wanted to be part of the event.

I hope you did not have to pop your elbow or any other body parts. When you were accepted as a cop, how did you prepare yourself for the competition?  

Wala! The other girls went to the gym, I just pigged out.

I see you took the competition seriously.

Then I just bought the cheapest pair of sneakers I could find at the department store a day before the competition. But when I got to the event, the girls were wearing heels and boots and flats! How would they be able to run after the guys? So I told my friends “Mananalo ako kasi ako lang yung naka-rubber shoes dito!”

Those other girls could have been using their stilettos as lethal weapons to take down the robbers.  What was your strategy for the contest?

Habulin ang pinaka-gwapo and mag-brisk walking slash jogging ng pang-matanda para hindi madapa.

ERIC: And see how it worked out?

PETRA: I wanted to be one of the first 10 girls on the field. During the countdown, grabe yung adrenaline rush ko talaga na, oh my gosh, I’m so game! When the countdown was done, I was the first one who rushed in and I started frisking the first guy I saw kaagad. 

All that pigging out worked out for you.

And it’s so funny because in the middle of the game, I wanted to give up! Ang init-init tapos tinutulak pa ako ng mga girls, As in gusto ko silang sabunutan silang lahat.

(NGSB representative: We would have paid good money to watch that.)

Tapos sabi ko ayoko na! I repeated checking some other guys but didn’t remember their faces. But when I saw Eric, I was sure that I didn’t check him yet because he was the only one wearing a bandana.

I hope that wasn’t all he was wearing.

Then yun na yun!

Pagka-cuteness wins the day. And a little Axe Anarchy doesn’t hurt, right Gem? Tell us a little more about how Axe Anarchy makes men attractive to the opposite sex in spite of exposed stomachs.

GEM (Laughs): Axe Anarchy for Men is a blend of fruity and woody notes which has a particular smell that is both sweet and masculine at the same time.

(DOM representative: Any scent that can make me woody is good enough for me.)

In the Philippines, a big part of projecting an attractive image is smelling great. When you ask girls, ano ang tipo mong lalake? The women always answer “Ang lalake na mukhang mabango.”

At sana mabango rin ang ibang parte ng katawan.

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