Love and lust according to the guru

When it comes to love, we all have

utang

to Guru Shivaker.

He is a man who has helped many desperate single men find love that is not measured by the number of ladies’ drinks consumed. He is a man who has caused the proliferation of shawarma stands around the metropolis when he compared shawarma time to sexy time in his unforgettably haunting one-hit song, Shawarma. And he is a man who has dispensed so much love advice that the Bureau of Immigration is asking for his work permit.

The STAR recently sat down with the love guru to find out if the sauce of his shawarma is as good as it sounds.

RJ LEDESMA: Guru, thank you for putting some clothes on for the interview. The glistening sweat was blinding me. Your fans along with the Bureau of Immigration want to know: Where were you born?

GURU SHIVAKER: I was born in Calcutta 56 years ago and stayed in the mountains for 35 years.

No wonder you look quite rustic.

There I was studying, developing, gaining the knowledge, going deeper, getting into the zone, gathering what life was all about. Talking to the birds, the plants, the trees.

What kind of plants were you smoking in the mountains, Guru? And how did you find your way from Calcutta to the Philippines? Astral travel? Holding on the wheels of an airplane? LBC?

Two numbers: 5, 6.

So you got here via motorcycle. When did you find out that your purpose in life was to dispense love advice? Did it come through trial and error? Transcendental meditation? Classified ads?

People ask me all the time what is my religion. I don’t belong to any of the major religions. I believe that love is my religion. Love is the one constant in this world and the one thing that we cannot live without.

How many virgin sacrifices have you made in the name of religion?

But love is also like a very dangerous drug. We like it when it’s there, but when it’s not there, we go crazy because it’s addicting, because it feels so good. When it’s taken away from you, you don’t know what to do. And that’s why I got the calling—

To love as many women as possible so you never go into withdrawal?

To help people understand what love is all about. That’s why I put up the “Temple of Love” on Boys Night Out on Magic 89.9.

And does the “Temple of Love” do home service as well?

Oh yes, I even park my motorcycle in their garage. From there, the temple begins. But you know that the temple could be anybody. It could even be your body. As long as it is a place of solemnity and of spirit.

(Dirty Old Men [DOM] Representative: Even my body?)

Your body is a condemned structure. So Guru, who have been your influences when it comes to teaching the ways of love? Dr. Love? Joe D’Mango? President Estrada?

No, not Joe D’Mango. But Guy Guyabano. And a lot of other influential people people like Sook Deep. Deepak Hardiker. Manmeat.

With gurus like these, I can see why your temple is full of people. On medication. I’m curious, just how many times you have read the Kama Sutra?

Every night.

(No Girlfriend Since Birth [NGSB] representative: Does your version of the Kama Sutra have centerfold pictures?)

The Kama Sutra is not about sex. It’s nothing bad, it’s nothing malicious.

(DOM representative: Hay naku. The money I spent on that book would have been better spent on 10 ladies’ drinks.)

The Kama Sutra is a way of life. It’s something that you live out. It’s not something you read, it’s something you do. And I do it every day and every night.

I’m surprised your temple doesn’t run out of gas. All the love advice you’ve so generously offered, does it come from actual experience, from the ether or from reading the advice columns in pornographic magazines?

What is this nonsense, pornography? What is this world coming to? It’s pollution to the mind! When you see pornographic material, it disrupts the mind. True love is found in the act of intimacy. Pornographic love is about making a lot of noise. But true love is all about beating as one. When you beat as one, there is a rhythm. And that is when the true spirit of love comes in.

(NGSB representative: Then can we have all your pornographic magazines for research purposes?)

No, that’s essential for my meditation.

Are you the type of guru who also practices abstinence?

No, why would I abstain? That’s stupid. That’s the stupidest question you’ve asked me so far. Why will you abstain? Give me one good reason to abstain.

(NGSB representative: Symmetrical forearms?)

It’s not healthy. You have to release your pent-up energy. You take it in, then you release. Take in, release. If you take in but don’t release, you go crazy. So every night, I always release energy.

You must be one of the sanest men in the world. Guru, my three female readers want to know. May I kindly ask how many women you have known in your current and past life to achieve this level of enlightenment?

I don’t talk about my private parts. I mean, I don’t talk about my private life. It’s not a numbers game, you know. 

What kind of game is it? Snakes and Ladders? Tumbang preso? Jack en Poy?

For me, I have a black book that nobody knows.

Until now.

I moved the contents of the black book to Excel, but it made my hard drive crash.

(DOM representative: So you can no longer get it hard?)

But are you currently in a relationship? Multiple relationships? Or are you in a strict heterosexual partner with the Boys Night Out’s Slick Rick and Toni Toni?

I’m in a relationship with my pet penguin.

That’s the first time I’ve heard that euphemism.

I have him in a freezer. And for me, we make the world go ‘round. But right now, I help people in relationships but I’m not in a relationship. This is because I have to disconnect myself from reality.

You sound pretty much disconnected as it is. Despite your disconnection, you seem to exude this type of charisma that can’t keep women — imaginary or otherwise — away from you.

They aren’t attracted to me, they are attracted to my chest hair.

Let me step back lest I am pulled further into its magnetic field. In the event that you do want to attract women, do you use any swami spells?

There is no swami spell, but there is a swami smell — it smells like mango chutney. It is definitely attractive. The swami smell is definitely attractive. I cannot make you smell it or else you will fall in love with me.

Please open up the windows. What have been the most common love dilemmas you have encountered among Pinoy men?

They go for the “crash and burn” type of love. They go all in to the relationship and they forget to love themselves.

(NGSB representative: No wonder we never get into relationships. We never forget to love ourselves.)

There’s a direct correlation between getting kilig and getting hurt. As much as you are going to get kilig, that is how much you are going to get hurt.

So what do you advise for men who get into these “crash and burn” type relationships? Should they wear safety helmets and fireproof clothing?

Use your mind.

Aside from other body parts?

Don’t let your emotions take over. Your mind will be the strongest and most powerful tool that you will have. However, if you’re not ready to get hurt, then you’re not ready to fall in love. Because love is correlated to getting hurt. If you’re not ready to get hurt, then you’re not ready for love. Some people enter relationships for the kilig factor. They don’t realize that there’s so much more at stake.

My nose is bleeding from all that circular logic, Guru. Does listening to sentimental songs help develop a man’s sense of romance?

Sentimental music is nonsense! When they’re in love, they listen to sentimental music. When they’re sad, they listen to sentimental music. It eats away at the brain because they think the lyrics of the song were composed just for you! Stop drinking and driving in your car thinking the song was composed for you! It was never composed for you! It was composed for a million other guys!

(DOM representative: You mean Endless Love was not written for me?)

What is your advice for all the NGSBs who hang on to every precious drop of laway that escapes your lips?

You’re blessed. That means you haven’t been hurt yet. Go to the gym. Learn to become ambidextrous.

And what is your advice to all the DOMs whose pacemakers are slowly conking out?

Buy a new Lacoste clutch bag. The one you’re using is outdated, there’s a new model already. Stop using your credit card. Credit card is for bagets. For a DOM, you’ve got to have cash. If you have eyeglasses, make sure they’re tinted. When you wear a shirt, button it only halfway up the chest. Stop experimenting with colognes for the young people. The classic smell of Brut must always be on your person. Know your role in society and everything will be fine. You have your own market, stop getting the market share of other guys.

(DOM representative: Would you like to be our party-list representative in congress, Guru Shivaker?)

And finally, o great Guru, what is the difference between love and affection?

Affection is landi. Affection is a way to get to love. But sometimes affection can be deceiving. There are three types of people in this world.

And of those three, I believe two types can now join Miss Universe?

You have the landi, the super-landi and the pinakalandi. You have to be very careful in deciphering which one is which.

So did the folks at Miss Universe Canada.

The affectionate people are the malandi people. But it doesn’t mean they like you, it just means they’re good at making landi.

(DOM representative: Even after you buy them 10 ladies’ drinks!?)

Then how about the difference between love and lust?

Lust is sometimes better than love. It’s like going to the massage parlor. Once you’re done with the massage, its over. You don’t have to cuddle, you don’t have to kiss, you don’t need to get the masahista’s cell phone number. But if there is love, then you have to give load, you have to give pang-tuition. All these things matter in love. If it’s lust, it’s practical. Trust me, I know. I’m Indian.

Om, great guru. Om… my God.

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For comments, suggestions or a magic shawarma, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmai.com  or visit www.rjledesma.net. Follow rjled on Twitter.