Ten things I know to be true about men

Mama, watch this with me. It’s so inspiring,” my 12-year-old daughter, Sophi, said, laptop in hand. We settled in bed and logged on to www.ted.com, a website devoted to “ideas worth spreading,” as their tagline says. Ted.com is an online cache of “riveting talks by remarkable people.” 

Sophi primed the video she wanted me to watch, that of spoken word poet, performance artist and teacher Sarah Kay. One of the messages Kay delivered was that people would be surprised at how much they can discover about themselves and their lives just by making lists titled “Ten Things I Know To Be True.” Kay explained that this technique has been an invaluable tool for teaching poetry to get students started. This is how she jumpstarts her own creative process.

Just like Sophi, I, too, was moved by Kay’s performance.  I started making several lists of 10 things I know to be true on different subjects.

Since I’m writing for the STAR’s “M” section, it seems only appropriate that I tackle my intended audience: men.

The following list enumerates the things I know to be true about you guys. It is, of course, subjective — based solely on my opinions and experiences (as a woman, obviously). If I risk sounding simplistic or seem to dish out sweeping generalizations, I must first lay down this caveat: this is only what I know to be true.

 1. Men don’t put the toilet seat back down. Very few lift the seat up when they pee to begin with and out of this minority, fewer still, if none at all, bother to put it back down. Come on now, ladies: no whining. We fought for emancipation from traditional oppressed roles. Soldier on and put the seat back down yourself. Wash your hands afterward.

2. Only men can do chest bumps. Otherwise, ouch!

3. Men have a wide repertoire of strange, disturbing noises, which they unleash at the most inopportune moments. They burp, fart, snort, snore, grunt, chortle, guffaw, sneeze, expectorate, slurp, masticate and blow their noses with such force you would think fragments of their brain would be hurled out along with nasal man stuff. Yuck.

Mornings are usually full concert stagings of these manly sounds. There’s bound to be a fart or two immediately upon waking to let out all the air/gas trapped in their bellies all night. Once in the bathroom expect to hear the philharmonic tuning up its instruments, pre-concert. There’s throat and nose clearing, gargling, sloshing, splashing — in full stereo.

Then there’s eating: masticating, slurping, gulping, burping, and farting just for starters.

Come nightfall, they unleash one or several of these sounds in succession when you’re at the height of a romantic moment but they are kind enough to apologize if you call their attention to it. “Sorry, it just came out,” being the most common excuse. After intimate moments there may be the more toned-down, barely audible gas emissions about which they say, “It’s all that air. Residual gas. Couldn’t be helped.”

Sometimes, it is when you’ve just finally managed to put the baby to sleep after a long bout with colic, then prrrrrrrrrrt-boom it goes, with a rev so strong and sustained over several seconds that the baby lets out a primal scream. It makes you really want to jump him and beat him on the chest with your fists. And then you hear, “Huh? Sorry, it just came out,” or “All that beer needs to go somewhere, right?” What can you do?

 And then the snoring at bedtime: the sound is of dying cows that refuse to die. Stop wondering why this is grounds for divorce in some states and, in some countries, even a motive for manslaughter — seriously.

The bad news is, it only gets worse with age.

4. Men do care about their own appearance, no matter how much they downplay it. The “bed head” look, the hair in disarray, the disheveled shirt and distressed jeans, the “I hate shopping” line or “I pulled out what’s at the top of the pile in my cabinet,” or “This old thing? Oh, I don’t know, it’s a gift I think” — all belie the fact that they put considerable thought and time into that hairdo and outfit. There are those who are wash-and-wear, get-up-and-go types but they still do care about how they look more than they let you on, more now than ever before.  

Take David Beckham with the revolving hairstyles and plucked eyebrows. Then there’s Justin Bieber with the perpetual blow dry. Or recall that infamous $300 haircut for Bill Clinton on board Air Force One. Rumor has it that George Clooney flies his hairdresser in all over the world.  Or think of the billion-dollar menswear fashion industry.  So, the next time you hear, “I don’t really care how I look,” just roll your eyeballs.

5. Men can’t decode dress codes. Phrases like “smart casual,” “casual chic,” “business casual,” “business professional,” “cocktail attire,” “white tie,” “black tie” and “morning coat” are way too confusing for men. They only understand informal and formal. Informal means throw on a pair of jeans and sneakers. Formal means throw the problem to the wife and let her figure it out.

6. Men like things simple. They can’t differentiate mauve from old rose. Pink is pink. Men don’t “get” fine dining — too complicated. Food is food, don’t dress it up in smart casual, casual chic or cocktail attire, they’ll get even more confused.  They like their food like their women: the less on, the better.

When talking to men, get to the point quickly and stay the course — no asides, no digressions. Don’t tell them your problem with your boss and midway say, “By the way, her shoes were awful today.” Keep to the point and keep moving. There’s the Pacquiao fight live on pay per view in a few minutes.

Men don’t take hints; they are not hardwired for it.  Women pride themselves on knowing instinctively what their friends and family think and feel but men have no interest in reading minds. If you want something, ask very nicely and if you have been a nurturing partner, chances are, they will never say no.

 7. Men are big kids, therefore they need toys and want to be mothered. That shiny new iPhone 4, that LED flashlight the size of your middle finger with 500 lumens, that bike that’s worth 50 pairs of shoes, that sports car that costs more than a house — they need all of that or they will die. 

Contrary to their proclamations of independence and self-sufficiency, they like to be mothered. They enjoy being fussed over. They could have leveled Libya singlehandedly long before Gadhafi left Tripoli for Sirte, had you babied them and then asked them to do so.

 8. Men get sexier with age. Male hormones give them thicker skin, which is less prone to wrinkles. They stay young looking much longer than women. Laugh lines, crow’s feet, gray hair and some weight gain — which is the death sentence to women — only adds dignity to a man’s persona.  Whimper.

9. Men are not monogamous by nature. There was a study done by Redbook magazine that said 50 percent of men claimed that if there was a zero percent chance of them getting caught, they would cheat. But that also means that the other 50 percent wouldn’t. This straight-laced 50 percent said that they wouldn’t want to mess up the good thing they have at home.

A friend shed more light on this issue by saying that the prospect of being with other women is like a drug. “I’m single, I’m moneyed, I’m known, so women throw themselves at me. It’s difficult — very difficult to keep away. It’s like a drug. I have been warned by friends to be careful. The solution is to remove myself from the situation. So I stopped going out,” he said. The conviction to be a better man is commendable. The resolve is remarkable. I wonder though, how long it will last.

 10. Men don’t “get” Valentine’s Day. It is a chick holiday and they simply don’t get it. It stresses them out. They will play along and jump on the bandwagon when they have yet to snag the girl in question — that’s why florists and restaurants continue to make a killing on Valentine’s Day. But once they’ve had the girl for some time, they jump off the wagon. They are not incapable of romance; they just hate being romantic on cue.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve found to be true. What’s your list like?

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 Thank you for your letters. You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.