The cute and the pa-cute

John Lloyd Cruz is a real man. Not only because he redeems the box office whenever he headlines a movie. (There is a reason his initials are JC). And not only because he has enough product endorsements to pay off the country’s foreign debt.

It is because John Lloyd is one of the rare breed of men whom the testosterone-dripping blog Tunaynalalake.blogspot.com has dubbed “isang tunay na lalaki” (a real man). Allow John Lloyd’s true manliness to help us grow chest hair by quoting verbatim from their blog:

“Wag mong pansinin ang pagpapakyut niya sa mga pelikula at mga TV commercials. Kung minsan, ang pagkatunay na lalake ay di nakikita sa panlabas na anyo. (Don’t pay attention to his projection of cute in movies and television commercials). Tunay na lalake si John Lloyd dahil sabi niya sa isang interbyu (John Lloyd is a real man because of what he said in this interview):

Question: Para kanino ang lahat ng ginagawa mo ngayon (For whom are you doing all this hard work)?

John Lloyd: Gusto kong isipin na para sa pamilya pero hindi e. Ang totoo, nagtatrabaho lang ako (I’d like to think that it’s for my family, but not really. The truth? I’m just working).

Say mo (What do you say)?”

I understand John Lloyd’s “just working” philosophy has already been elevated to legislation as it is now called among mga kapwang tunay na lalake (other real men) as “the John Lloyd Rule.”

During a recent press conference for his latest shampoo endorsement, I spoke with John Lloyd to ask if this rule was still in effect. I also asked him other questions of consequence, such as: How do you get to be as good-looking as John Lloyd Cruz (how hard can it be)? How do you get a body just like John Lloyd Cruz (it isn’t too hard, pala)? And will we see the half-naked photo of John Lloyd Cruz replace that of the Philippine Volcanoes along EDSA (is it hard enough)?

Cute Is As Cute Can Be

RJ LEDESMA: John Lloyd, you are a box-office king, multi-product endorser, host, and model. Parang pinapakyaw mo na ang lahat (It’s like you bought everything wholesale)? But what I really want to know is — bakit ang cute mo (Why are you so damn cute)?

JOHN LLOYD CRUZ: I have my parents to thank for that. 

Not Star Magic? Not your publicist? Not even your derma?

Pero mas-kyut ang daddy ko (But my dad’s way cuter).

Kaya pala (That’s why) my yaya is making da moves on him. Easy ka lang, Yaya (Take it easy, Yaya). Lloydie — if I may have the privilege of calling you that — in your expert opinion, what is the difference between cute and gwapo (handsome)? I always find it difficult to know what adjective I should use when asked to describe myself. 

That’s easy. Cute is ugly but nice to look at. Gwapo is sarap tingnan (delicious to look at). Pero madalas ’yung gwapo, gwapo lang ’yan (But more often than not, handsome is just handsome).

That’s what I need to remind people whom I pay to say nice things about me. Were you genetically predisposed to be this cute? Or was it a result of divine intervention? 

I don’t think I was this cute nung bata pa ako (when I was still a child). What I mean is nung bata ako sa industriya (when I was a child in the showbiz industry).

You mean those days when you were part of the Koolits gang with Marc Solis and Baron Geisler? 

 That was a very awkward phase. I was very oily and pimply. Hindi kyut ‘yon (That’s not cute).

So what was your secret weapon to develop this mutant cuteness of yours? 

Perla soap. Nakakatanggal ng pimples ’yan (It can remove pimples).

(Tomorrow’s business headlines: John Lloyd Cruz newest endorser for Perla soap! For clean, fresh-smelling clothes and a pimple free complexion, it’s Perla for me, says box-office king.)

And how do you manage to stay so mutant cute?

One more time you mention the word “cute,” medyo kinakabahan na ako sa ’yo (You’re making me nervous). (Laughs)

Just don’t look straight into my eyes, Lloydie, and we’ll be just fine.

Siguro (Probably), it’s just the secret of having a good-quality life. I’ve become comfortable in my own skin and the way that I appear.

RJ’s three female readers: Can we get comfortable in your skin too, Lloydie?

When your mutant cute gene had not yet been activated, was there ever a point in your life when you were — God forbid — panget (untranslatable)?

Until now (laughs in a nonchalant fashion)! There are days na hindi ako tumingin sa salamin (I don’t even look in the mirror).

Lloydie has issues with this looks? Dear God, where does that leave the rest of us?

Pero (But) at 28, your looks become just secondary.

Yes, that’s right. Money is more important. Speaking of money, do you plan to capitalize on your mutant cuteness, Lloydie? Do you plan to come up with John Lloyd stuffed dolls, or bobbleheads or inflatable dolls?

Pwede (That’s possible). Sabi ko nga ba, ito ang bagong body (I’ve been saying, this is the new body). (John Lloyd directs his hands towards his bagong body) This is the new generation. ’Yung may mga six-pack, talagang sculpted, maganda lang tingnan ’yan (Those guys with six pack sculpted abs? Those are just good to look at).

And I hear that if you look at them long enough, you might go blind.

Pero gusto mo bang yakapin ’yan. (But do you want to hug those bodies)? Ang tigas tigas (They are rock-hard). ’Yung mga matitigas na unan (What do you do with hard pillows)? You throw them away.

Those well-sculpted men must lead a very lonely life. Now that the photos of the Philippine Rugby team have been taken down from EDSA, will we now see John Lloyd’s bagong- body abs gracing an EDSA billboard?   

I’m happy the way I am (laughs). Kasi, pare, that would mean a change in lifestyle. And I don’t want to compromise my lifestyle right now. If you call me fat, I’m happy being fat.

On behalf of us bagong-body men, we applaud your conviction. 

And because I represent many Pinoys, baka ma-pressure rin sila (na magka-six pack abs) (And because I represent a lot of Pinoy men, they might be pressured to having six-pack-abs.). Ako ang representative nila (I am their representative) that it’s OK to have this kind of body.

We all look forward to the day when you put up our party list group.

Charmed, I’m Sure

Lloydie, you seem to ooze with this boyish charm. Where does this charm come from and when will they start marketing it as an anti-perspirant and deodorant?

Marami ’yan sa Bangkok (There’s a lot of that in Bangkok) (laughs).

It isn’t the same type of charm that oozes out of the Thai ladyboys, is it?

Maybe a large part of it (my charm) comes from how I was raised. And how I was exposed to my work.

Why? Who did you expose yourself to at work?

I don’t think that I’m the “celebrity” type for whom everything has to be a certain standard. Simple lang ako, trabaho lang tayo (I’m a simple guy, we just work). Then when I go home, I’m just the same John Lloyd na umalis sa bahay ko (who left the house).

I’m glad to see that you don’t employ any clones or body doubles. But how do you handle the pressure of so many women having a crush on you? It’s an imaginary problem I’ve had to deal with myself for so many years. 

Mahirap kapag naisip mo totoo ’yon (It’s hard to think that that problem really exists) (laughs). You won’t be able to leave the house.

So you’re telling me I should never leave my house? For those who aspire to become crush ng bayans, how do they emulate the mutant cuteness of John Lloyd Cruz?

Just watch my shows. Whatever character I’m portraying, gayahin ninyo (just copy that).

I am not sure my wife would approve of me channeling you from you from the movie In My Life. But don’t get me wrong, I am sure that the kiss you shared with Luis Manzano was purely on a professional level. For the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) reading this column who want to emulate John Lloyd Cruz, how do they project that look that will cause women temporary insanity?

Pag-aralan lang ang tamang pag-squint (Study the correct way to squint). And wet your lips. And if you can do it at the same time, that’s even sexier. ‘Di mo kailangan ng six pack (You don’t need a six pack).

So Piolo has been getting it wrong all along. And how should these cover versions of John Lloyd Cruz approach women in bars? Without having to wear your facemask, bitin pants and espadrilles?

Well, I’m not the type who will approach women and do small talk or pick-up lines, kasi. Hindi malakas ang loob ko pag dating sa ganoon. (I don’t have the guts to approach a woman from out of the blue).

So they should squint and wet their lips while waiting for the woman to melt at their feet?

Before I approach a girl I’m really interested in, I already know na gusto ko siya talaga (that I really like her).

So when you approach a girl, it must be a sure thing. Just as sure that every Star Cinema movie title is named after a sentimental Seventies song. Now, let’s get a bit more personal. Who is a better kisser? Your girlfriend, your yaya or Luis Manzano? 

Hindi si Luis, eh. Bad kisser siya (Not Luis. He’s a lousy kisser) (laughs). ’Yung yaya ko naman lalaki. May pustiso pa. (My yaya was a guy with dentures).

Uhm, I’m sensing a pattern here.

So alam mo na (You probably know the answer).

We have a winner by default!

Getting It Real

Lloydie, you have been bestowed the title Tunay na Lalaki by the blog of the same name for your answer to the question: Para kanino ang lahat ng ginagawa mo ngayon? May I test if you are still deserving of the title as I ask you the same question again: Para kanino ang lahat ng ginagawa mo ngayon?

Ngayon, eh kanina pa tayo nag-uusap, di ba? Di para sa’yo. Kung para sa akin lang ’yan, hindi naman ako uupo dito (We’ve been talking for some time now, right? Then I’m doing this for you. If it was just for me, I wouldn’t be sitting here) (laughs).

Truly an answer that has been crafted by several of years of being grilled on The Buzz. And, finally, the question we have been avoiding throughout this interview. In your most un-biased of opinions, who is the most good-looking of them all? John Lloyd Cruz, Piolo Pascual or RJ Ledesma?

Nahihirapan ako (I’m having a hard time). 

Take your time. The printing of this interview depends on your correct answer.

Parang may kulang sa choices eh. Dapat kasami si Empoy (I think your choices are lacking. You should include Empoy).

Well, life is hard, man. So make a choice.

Since tatlo lang ’yung choices, siyempre ikaw, pare (Since there are only three choices, then of course it’s you)!

Thanks, Lloydie. Showbiz has trained you well.

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For comments, suggestions or a serving of boyish charm, please email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or follow rjled on Twitter.com or visit www.rjledesma.net.