Flirting can be berry easy

Flirting has evolved to the point that it no longer requires eye-to- eye contact or small talk or an NBI clearance. However, some vibration is still involved.

Today’s modern courtship rituals are far removed from my time (a time when Kuya Germs still appeared in prime time), a time when you had to call your romantic prospect via rotary phone while having your conversation scrutinized by her yaya on the extension line, a time when you actually had to scribble down love letters plagiarized from high school romance books and delivered to your crush through a tulay (bridge), a time when there was a six-month incubation (with an additional six months for good behavior) was normal before you could formally ask her if you could make the unilateral claim that you are “mag-ON” (Unfortunately, this relationship status does not appear on Facebook).

Even the description of one’s romantic status has evolved to being one of “hooking up” or “hanging out” (which begs the question as to what body parts are doing the hooking up and hanging out). It seems the term “going steady” has become as outdated at That’s Entertainment.

But to all the DOMs out there who still cannot get dates without an exchange of money: Even if the National Bilibid Prison has temporarily suspended your out-of-jail visits, you can still find a way to flirt with women without getting your jail sentence extended.

And you can do this with a cell phone.

(No, no, DOMs. You do not buy her a cell phone to flirt with her. You use a cell phone to flirt with her. You and your primeval ways.)

I have learned from recently emancipated DOMs that there is a new “hang- out” place where you can “hook up,” as long as you are paying for your cell phone bill: It is the BlackBerry messenger service (or for the mag-in, we call it BBM), a proprietary social network that is accessible by users of BlackBerry smartphones.  BBM is the new meeting place (however, the mating doesn’t happen over BBM unless you have downloaded the appropriate application).

The cult of BBM is probably the largest mobile social network, with over 33 million users (DOMs, just imagine the hookup possibilities! If half of these BBM users were women, and if half of those women were single, available, and if half of those women had the common sense not to go out with you, and if half of those women were conscious, and if half of those women would not require you to attach and send over to them a scanner copy of your NBI clearance via BBM, then that leaves you with at most two women and a recent recipient of gender reassignment surgery who might be willing to be your BBM mate!)

But here’s the even better news, my fellow DOMs (and no, it is not that you will be granted executive clemency): Despite the evolution of technology, the process of flirting has remained practically the same as it has been since primeval times, so I am sure you are all familiar with it. In fact, BBM can help expedite the flirting process remotely! You can even flirt with her from the comfort of your own holding cell.

But just in case you are experiencing a senior moment and cannot recall the steps to flirting, we have brought in psychiatrist Dr. Raj Persaud who wrote the book Simply Irresistible: The Psychology of Seduction. According to the book, flirting with a member of the opposite sex whom you may potentially want to exchange genetic material with requires you to employ a game-playing “mindset,” much like the mindset you employ when you play patintero with jail guards.

So for the DOMs who have got their “get out of jail free” cards and want to “play the field” for a “hook up,” the first thing they need to do is find out is if there is a woman who is a cult-carrying member of BBM. If the woman carelessly dangles her BlackBerry phone in front of you like bait — especially if she is one of those two women or the recent gender reassignment surgery recipient mentioned earlier — then the you know it is time to take a whiff from your respirator and drown your hair in pomade because the game is afoot.

Step 1: Pinning her down. The first part of the game is also the part that can cause cardiac arrest: voluntarily securing her BBM PIN code, a code that is unique to her BlackBerry phone so that you can gain access to her personal network. The more foolhardy among DOMs may attempt to directly ask her for her PIN code. If that is the case, then one of three things might happen: She will simply ignore you, she will detach you from your respirator and beat it or (the earth rumbles, the moon turns blood red, the sky splits apart) she will give you her PIN code.

Since we already missed out on the end of the world last May 21 and we also want to avoid permanent bodily harm, then the DOMS need to apply a medically-prescribed technique of flattery to interact with their romantic prospect. According to Simply Irresistible, flattery entails “doing something unexpected that marks you out as an individual with a specific interest in that particular person” or in the vernacular: pambobola.

Given this, the DOM can saunter up to her while sending out imaginary messages from his BBM, pre-meditatively bump into her and say (choose your own adventure):

Pa-simple line: “Wow, you’ve got a BlackBerry!? Why, I’ve got one, too! What are the odds? We must be compatible. Why don’t you show me your PIN code so I can send you cheesy romantic messages chockfull of innuendo incessantly?”

The feel ko ang pagka-BBM line: “You’ve got a BlackBerry, too? Don’t you hate it when BlackBerry spells your ‘mo’ as ‘month’? (Forced laughter) Hey, give me naman your PIN code so we can gripe a bit more about our phone. Gusto month?”  

The DOM trump card line: “You’ve got a BlackBerry? Perfect! My BBM is connected to my pacemaker.  If I don’t get at least 50 PIN codes a day, my pacemaker will stop working. Don’t let my death be on your conscience.”

 Step 2: No holds barred. Kapag nakonsensya ’yung prospect, then it is time to become more daring. Instead of just asking for her BBM, you can ask her if you can scan her barcode.

After her palm connects with your face, then you can calmly explain that her BlackBerry has a barcode function that contains her PIN code. All you need to do to pick up her barcode is place your BlackBerry on top of hers (her BlackBerry, ha) and use your phone’s photo function to scan her barcode.

Then while she is temporarily discombobulated by your technological jargon, you can politely ask for her BlackBerry and quickly scan her barcode before she regains her senses. And as you scurry away after securing her PIN code, then cherish this moment: because this will probably be the only time that she will let you interface with her in any way, manner or form.

Step 3: BBM to impress. Once you have her PIN code, you must exercise some restraint in firing off your first BBM message to her.  Here is a rule of thumb: your desire to immediately send her a BBM message must be indirectly proportional to your level of desperation to interact with the opposite sex. But since this may take a couple of decades, the other recommendation is to send her a message the following morning, so that she is haunted by the thought of you throughout the day (and not just because she thinks that your pacemaker has stopped functioning).

Moreover, your first message must not sound desperate or threatening or intimidating or any of the other things that you have been accused of in the past. Your BBM message should sound casual, concerned and maybe even aloof, such as: “Thank you for your PIN code. I am now trying to find your Facebook account, your bank accounts and your medical history. Pretty soon I will know everything about you.” Or “I followed you home last night to make sure you got home safe and sound. Now I know where you live.” Or “Great meeting you last night! So how do we take things to the next level?”

Step 4: Leveling up. If your first message elicited a reaction from her or her lawyer, then it is time to ante up. According to Simply Irresistible, the next stage in the flirting process is “small talk.”

Since “small talk” is also the cause of nervous breakdowns among most DOMs who try to speak to women who don’t require a ladies’ drink before engaging in chit chat, therein lies the beauty of BBM: it simulates the process of small talk without any face-to-face interaction.

BBM is an abbreviated conversation where you can give her the impression that you are an intelligent, witty and spontaneous individual by keeping her entertained on a myriad of topics until she finally discovers all the pickup artist websites where you have been plagiarizing all of your one-liners and cheesy romantic lines. On top of that, you can claim that grammatical errors and spelling mistakes were due to a fascist British English spellcheck function. You can even download a gamut of emoticons to show the breadth and depth of your emotional range (because the emoticons probably have a more comprehensive emotional range than you).

But in case she is not impressed by your ability to cut and paste conversations or feign emotions onto your BBM, then you can also impress her with your ability to fiddle with BBM functionality. For example, you can send her a profile photo of you while you were at the police lineup, or send her a video of you performing synchronized dancing with your fellow inmates, or send her a voice note sharing with her your most intimate thoughts right before the guards perform a body cavity search for illegal weapons. 

And best of all, if you do say something tasteless, she cannot slap you through BBM (unless she has downloaded the application for that).

Step 5: Berry well then. Then once you have BBMed her to the point of submission or you have been granted parole (whatever comes first), then it is sign for you to finally ask out the woman or the gender re-assignment surgery candidate of your dreams. That is, unless the end of the world has not happened again by October 21, 2011. Anong say month?

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For comments, suggestions or blanks, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net <http://www.rjledesma.net/>  or follow rjled on Twitter.