Why men become abusers and batterers

Over champagne and cheese recently, I had a most incongruous conversation with a good friend about an incident that suddenly made the champagne taste like vinegar and the cheese, like chalk.   It was his birthday celebration in one of the trendy clubs a while back and he had invited a number of people. Early in the evening, a lady guest approached him complaining of a man, who wasn’t part of the party but was at the venue with his own set of friends. She told the celebrant that the man had been harassing her.

“In what way?” he asked the lady.

“He keeps coming over wanting to talk, grabbing me by the arm. I don’t want to talk to him,” she said, sounding distressed.

In fulfillment of his role as gentleman host, he very calmly approached said man with the lady in tow and asked him to please leave the lady alone. He added that if he could just please stick to his group so that everybody could return to their own business.

 The man took offense and spewed back these words: “Who the f*** do you think you are?”

My friend answered in the same calm manner, “I am nobody.  Please don’t get me wrong.  I only want everyone to have a good time.  My friend here wants to be left alone.”

Upon hearing that, the man bolted up, headed to the lady and hit her forcefully on the head with his palm to the shock of everyone around.

The knee-jerk reaction of my friend was to strike right back. He punched him squarely in the face. One would think that since this woman beater was all riled up and violent that he would have retaliated, right? Wrong! He ran away as fast as far away as he could and cowered behind his bodyguards.

It turned out that Mr. Abuser was the ex-boyfriend of the lady and was cornering her into having a conversation, much to her aggravation. So, she went up to my friend, who had no idea of their connection, and asked for help. That’s the head and tail of this story of abuse.

Yes, abuse — that dirty word we dare not speak of, that word that gives the shakes to many a woman who cannot leave their abuser and who suffer in silence because of a paralyzing sense of helplessness, humiliation, financial handicap, or plain, raw fear. It is a word that is deeply rooted in a tangle of psychological — even psychotic — issues, screwed- up genetics, dysfunctional childhoods, and controlling parents.

We do not speak only of physical abuse here, which is the most obvious and latent form. Other forms, just as damaging if not more so, are the ones hidden from view: psychological, sexual, verbal, and financial. One may think that verbal abuse is something that a victim can easily dust off his shoulder but on the contrary, its effects could be so devastatingly irreparable that it is handed down for generations. It could be as seemingly harmless as humiliation — a put-down of sorts — but done with a constancy and quiet intensity can corrupt and bastardize someone’s mental state for life.  Financial abuse may be the most crippling of all “covert” forms of abuse because it literally immobilizes the victim in inaction and submission. He who holds the money “owns” he who does not.

The word “inhuman” easily comes to mind when issues surrounding abuse are discussed, for what sort of human being would treat another in such a manner? But the numbers are astounding. Accor-ding to statistics, one in every six women living with a man is abused in one way or another. You’d be surprised. 

And why are there victims? The answer seems simple enough: because they allow it. But, again — surprise! A most complex network of psychosocial factors exists in any victim’s psyche as much as the abuser’s and so, no — it is never that simple.

A girlfriend to whom I was telling the birthday beating story to said, “At least that man had the balls to hit his ex-girlfriend in public. Something’s got to be said about that. At least he’s not trying to be holier than thou.”

“Really? That’s your take?” I disagreed with her. “I would think him the most dangerous of all types as to have zero impulse control, humiliation and accountability be damned. He’s sick, period.”

“I like that he’s all out there,” she said. “Imagine the poor women who walk into the disarming, charming and nurturing man traps who’ll just to have to live with black eyes and bruises later on.”

How can we tell if a man is an abuser? The website transitionhouse.ca offers general profiles on abusers: a history of drug and alcohol abuse, troubled childhood, intense jealousy, explosive temper, Jekyll and Hyde personality, isolates his partner, controls his partner, tells his partner it is all her fault and projects all his faults on to her, verbal assaults (putdown, insults, slanderous names) in addition to physical assaults, is in constant denial of his actions, will do whatever it takes to drive his partner away and inversely, will do whatever it takes to get her back. Abusive men tend to be traditional in their attitudes with regard to male and female roles. They are usually non-assertive and for the most part, keep their feelings locked inside. They may have very poor communication skills, and are basically insecure persons. Most often it is men who grew up with very controlling, tyrannical parents who harbor such issues. Along with these, the accompanying self-loathing finds its way out of the abuser’s psyche through verbal tirades against the victim. 

But these are traits that one uncovers only after having spent much time around abusers — often, a little too late.

The problem is men who abuse fit no single physical profile and exhibit no predetermined patterns of behavior that may help alert probable victims. Some people would tend to think an abuser would be a big, loud-mouthed, lazy sort of guy. The fact is, he can come from all walks of life, from blue-collar workers to professionals such as lawyers, doctors and even police officers.

Psychologist and close friend, Sophie Bate, recommended a book called, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signs That Protect Us From Violence, by Gavin De Becker, an expert on predicting violence and it is a most informative, most insightful book on abuse and violence.

De Becker says that, “Many batterers control the money, allowing little access to bank accounts or even financial information. Some control the schedule, car keys, the major purchases, the choice in clothes, the choice in friends. The batterer may be a benevolent control freak at the start of the intimate relationship, but he becomes a malevolent control freak later. He gives punishment and reward unpredictably, so that any day now, any moment now, he’ll be his old great self, his honeymoon self, and this provides an ingredient that is essential to keeping the woman from leaving: hope. Does he do all this with evil design? No, it is part of his concept of how to retain love. Children who do not learn to expect and accept love in natural ways become adults who find other ways to get it.”

Of the victims of abuse, De Becker has this to say, “Though leaving is not an option that seems available to many battered women, I believe that the first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer.” De Becker adds that, “Staying is a choice!  I believe it is critical for a woman to view staying as a choice, for only then can leaving be viewed as a choice and an option.”

De Becker explains that spousal abuse is committed by people who are with increasing frequency described by their victims as having been “The sweetest, the gentlest, the kindest, the most attentive.”  Many were all of these things during the selection process and often still are — between violent incidents. In fact, most were described as extremely persistent and romantic pursuers, who did everything possible to charm the objects of their interest.

Sandra Horley, founder of the Chiswick Family Rescue in London, a shelter for abused women says that, “Men with a tendency to abuse women are usually the life and soul of the party — the outgoing man who loves to be the center of attention. These are early warning signs. Men who abuse women can alternate quickly between rage and charm.”

Horley adds that, “Domestic violence has a pattern — it’s purposeful behavior designed to control women. Abusers are jealous and possessive and systematically isolate and humiliate women.  Domestic violence isn’t always about physical abuse. Emotional abuse is just as devastating. Abuse is all about control.”

But all is not hopeless for abusers. Horley says that, “Violence is a learned behavior pattern and the good news is what is learned can be unlearned. Men who abuse women can change but they have to want to change.” The first step would be to seek professional help immediately.

Gavin De Becker exhorts women to listen to intuition. He said that if one has a funny, uneasy, uncomfortable feeling about a man at the start of the courtship, listen to it, explore it, act on it soonest.  Don’t be hostage to a life of fear. I speak of what I know.

After having read De Becker’s book, I know now not to worry about that lady who was hit by her ex-boyfriend at my friend’s birthday party. Operative word here is “ex.”

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Thank you for your letters.  You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.