Torture on the beach

Lounging on an endless stretch of powdery, white sand on a breezy summer day, when the sun’s glare is just fierce enough to reflect a slight flickering of light on the shore, and just warm enough to make you sweat in tiny beads on your temples and chest, you think with relaxed contentment that all is right with the world… until a random man — one who looks like he has never been introduced to a fitness club and has been set loose in the kitchen, shirtless and in shorts a little too short and a little too tight — ambles past you.

What you experience when you first catch sight of him is what I’d call “death by shorts.” 

I have always had a quarrel with men’s shorts; I have said it here before, thus incurring much male ire but I say it again: the worst part of a man’s anatomy is his knees. There! It’s been said! Men’s legs are naturally more muscular than women’s so that every bump and curve is more pronounced. Their knees are knobbier, sunken under deep cracks and crevices, or cradled in folds of fat.  Most of the time, they are dark due to hyper-pigmentation because men can’t be bothered to scrub those areas well. Couple that with dense ground cover of sprouts of curly hair and you have a nightmare. It is not a random occurrence that at the onset of puberty men are taught to ditch the shorts and wear trousers. 

I remain undecided as to which is worse: shorts that are too short or those that are too long. Logically, I should go with short shorts since I detest men’s knees but the cringe effect delivered by too-long shorts that fall around mid-calf, making the wearer look like he only has about a foot’s worth of legs, is a little too much to bear as well; hence the impasse. It can be headache inducing but at least now I am in this hedonistic state — prostrate on the beach sipping chilled sauvignon blanc — as I contemplate this life-or-death dilemma.

My 15-year-old daughter, Isabel, joins me and together we lounge around and go “viewing” as an endless assortment of men in various shapes, sizes, and shorts stream by. We are comforted by the one consolation that she underscores: the male Speedo bikini finally seems to have been laid to rest, six feet under, outside of swim meets. Big victory.

She adds her two cents’ worth. “Mom, you know that basketball players have the best upper bodies but mostly underdeveloped legs? Soccer players have the best legs, but underdeveloped upper bodies. And swimmers have the best bodies overall.”

“How do you know this?” I ask her, my heart skipping a beat. I keep forgetting she’s now 15.

“Mom, I watch IASAS (International Schools league) games in school.”

“Okay,” I tell her. “Just appreciate; don’t act on it.”

“Yeees, Mom.”

“Good, so let’s do this,” I tell her. 

We sit tight and people-watch. A majority of the men wear “boardies” or what is commonly known as boardshorts: long swim trunks done in quick-dry material, made popular by Australian and American surfers, who stay in them, in and out of the water — all day, year-round. But alas! The popular brands like Billabong, Quicksilver, Roxy and Hurley are all cut for the Caucasian build, so that they fall to mid-calf on they average Pinoy.  That is where the problem lies.

Looking bad in shorts is the easier than breathing — nothing could be more unforgiving for men and women alike. Ideally for men, shorts should fall right on the knee so that it just covers these sometimes gnarly, sometimes chubby protrusions mid-leg, leaving the entire lower leg visible for sound aesthetics: a good proportion of upper torso to lower-leg exposure. 

To make matters worse, these boardies come in the wildest prints. I know that aquamarine waters and sunlight perfectly set off bright, fun colors beachside but let’s not get carried away. The same goes for prints: let’s not let the innocent swept into acid flashbacks by bad beach fashion calls. The ‘70s are long over.

 I don’t get why manufacturers make boardshorts that way. To ward off shark attacks by first making them dizzy and then disoriented and therefore benign, you think? 

See, all the psychedelic stuff on boardies could be overridden by a perfect physique. But, again, alas! Killer physiques are one in 40 million. Squeezing one’s beer gut into shorts a size too small does not reduce girth size — I swear! The effort is appreciated but it is what it is; make peace with it. Get a pair in your exact size and avoid the muffin-top syndrome.

Done with the horizontal assessment, now on to the vertical. Chances are, if your boardies are of a brand previously mentioned and you are of average height — 5’8” or so — then you will need to have the hem taken in a couple of inches for a de-hobbitizing effect. Reminder: shorts should fall exactly at the midpoint of your kneecaps: enough to cover it but not quite as to make your legs look short.

Here’s what you should know about the different types of beachwear according to the website menshealth.com.

If you are...

Tall and Thin. Look for board shorts and long bathing suits that reach almost to your knees (about 60 cm along the outer seam). The trunks should tie or snap in front. Wild patterns and loud colors look fine on lean guys.

Big-Bellied. Skip board shorts. They tend to ride low under a gut. Your best bet is a pair of “volley shorts” — they’re similar in style to boxer shorts (about 40 cm along the outer seam) and have a drawstring waist. The shorter length draws attention away from your midsection; a dark color will also help. Don’t buy oversize trunks — they’ll make you look fatter.

Short. Go with modified board shorts about 50 cm in length. Anything longer will make your legs look short. And look for a solid color, which can add the illusion of height. Skip loud patterns — they emphasize the division of your body at the waist and knee. This midsection distraction somehow makes you look even smaller.

Going back to viewing with my daughter, Isabel, a male duo in aviator sunglasses saunters by us. They do look muck like Tom Cruise and Anthony

Edwards in the movie Top Gun, in height and build and facial contours, from a distance at least. They are most likely Europeans because they have the “shorts rule” down pat. They wear traditional, European drawstring swim shorts that fall just above the knee (exposed knees are excused this time because the shorts are flawless and yes, because they’re cute). The print and color are spot-on: a sprinkling of sea kelp and coral on one and two pairs of sea horses on another — nothing lavish and over the top — and done in yummy sherbet colors, not furious shades. 

I don’t know why but when it comes to fashion the Europeans always get in right (overlooking the tendency to wear shrink-size Speedos). Could it be because of their centuries of exposure to fine art? Is it their culture that has bred masters in the various fields of art through the ages? Is it simply in their blood? Is it their concept of beauty that is removed from the rest of mankind’s? Is it their eye for the simple, the understated, and the refined?

Take Vilebrequin or Sauvage swim shorts. They’re all about soft and subtle and suggestive in spite of having at least eight colors in every print. We’re talking good taste. For Stateside brands, try Parke and Ronen or Relwen.

Anyway, I say to Isabel, referring to the European duo that just passed us, “There’s Goose and Maverick.”

“Goose and Maverick?” The allusion is lost on her.  Different generations; I forget.

So, I tell her all about the movie about American fighter pilots.

“Oh, I get it,” she says.

A couple of minutes later she points out another duo.  “Goose and Maverick.”

I spot them. They wear Disco Sally boardshorts that could beat a New York subway station in terms of graffiti done in the entire color spectrum. I turn to her and say, “Not quite. Goose and Maverick were good looking. You’ve got to be cute to be Goose and Maverick. If you’re lacking in the cute department then you need to get the shorts right — crucial.”

“Oh, now I really get it.”

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 Thank you for your letters. You may reach me at mailto:cecilelilles@yahoo.com.