Needle me this

Normally, I wouldn’t let another man poke me in parts of my anatomy that are rarely visited by sunlight.

However, I do make an exception for fellow comic book geek and manga enthusiast Dr. Philip Tan-Gatue, UP-trained medical doctor, traditional Chinese medicine practitioner and acupuncturist who has treated many a virtual female celebrity, androgynous anime character and giant manga robotess.

This was a man who was as immersed in his medical books as he was in Pokemon trading cards. Apparently, he has channeled everything he has learned from Voltes V, Voltron and The Power Rangers into puncturing people for their welfare. He not only knows how to stick those needles where they count, but more importantly, he also knows how to help you out if your needle needs help volting in.

I visited Philip at the new UP Philippine General Hospital Medical Arts Faculty Building to make sure that there were no ultraelectomagnetic swords or Aphrodite A projectiles being used or abused in his practice. 

RJ LEDESMA: Doc, is that a needle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Heh, heh, heh, a little levity lang there, doc. I’ve never had another man stick a needle into me before voluntarily. How exactly does this acupuncture work?

DR. PHILIP TAN-GATUE: There are two ways to look at how acupuncture works: the quasi-mystical new age way and the scientific way. Acupuncture is a modality in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) that can be used to cure almost anything. The ancient books tell us that acupuncture is all about pricking with needles and bloodletting to help regulate the flow of chi and blood. I even believe that the so-called “meridians” and channels in acupuncture were primitive attempts to map out the blood vessels.

DOM chuwariwap: I remember those days.

From a scientific perspective, acupuncture points are usually areas where smaller nerves branch out from bigger nerves, or areas of connective issues where there are many nerve endings. The nerve endings are like sensors. These sensors are like wires with a lot of sub-filaments that conduct sharp pains or heat or pressure. The sensors that acupuncture stimulates are those that give you the feeling of pressure. That is why when the needles are inserted, you don’t feel the prick, you just feel the pressure. Once you activate a particular pathway of nerves, there is an effect on the local area. For example, the skin reddens. 

DOM chuwariwap: The same way the skin reddens when it’s slapped?

There is also an effect on the spinal cord, the hypothalamus, and the rest of the brain.

DOM chuwariwap: Will acupuncture also work for those of us who never evolved spines?

I see. Can you pressurize my scalp so that I doesn’t go bald?

In TCM, blood nourishes the head and this, in turn, causes the hair to grow. That being the case, hair fall is a sign that the blood is not nourishing the scalp. However, there are some acupuncture techniques along with the burning of herbs (a.k.a. moxibustion — the burning of mugwort, a small, spongy herb, to facilitate healing) on the head so as to let the herbs permeate your scalp.

So you are going to restore the hair on my head by setting my scalp on fire?

There are specialty clinics in Mainland China for hair restoration, but the techniques they use might not be aesthetically acceptable. It involves needling and tapping the scalp with a mini-hammer that has spikes to make it bleed ever so slightly.

I know a lot of people who would love to take a hammer with spikes to my scalp. Since we are on the subject of tapping, let us talk about the acupuncture in more carnal terms. Can acupuncture help increase your testosterone levels?

Let me share with you an anecdote: a female TCM doctor was treating her 80-year-old patient for severe kidney deficiency. But when she strengthened his kidneys, she inadvertently strengthened everything else.

What exactly do you mean? That the force of his urination could penetrate concrete walls?

His wife is now complaining that he has an insatiable sex drive.

Ah, geriatric lovemaking. That is an image I will never be able to erase from my head without Alzheimer’s.

But there is a caveat. In TCM, they say sleeping in your chamber alone is better than all the tonics in the world

No Girlfriend Since Birth (NGSB) chuwariwap: Even better than sleeping beside your yaya?

This means “Yes, I’d be glad to help you with your problems, but just don’t abuse it.”

NGSB chuwariwap: I wish I had something to abuse. Other than—

But I would probably be needling points that are related to the kidneys, which include the inner part of the ankle — which is supposed to strengthen everything above the kidneys — and a point near the back of the waist. There are many points at the back of the waist that correspond to the different organs.

In effect, you can poke someone to the point that he can be up to poking again?

When we are talking about sexual desire, we need to see the overall picture. There are some patients that I would treat for depression. But most of the cases I get are patients who just lack the physical energy to get their desire going.

How do you treat patients like these? Have them watch marathon porno sessions?

Sometimes their problems can be related to digestion, so I needle points at the middle of the back. For other patients, I burn herbs that strengthen the yang. Because the yang aspect stimulates desire.

DOM chuwariwap: I often feel a burning desire in my yang. It requires a lot of antibiotics.

A 13th-century TCM physician Zhu Dan Xi believed that when we have any manifestation of desire, then it is the yang flaring up. If we have too much desire, this consumes the yin which forms our “material aspect.” So instead of increasing desire, it is more important that we balance the desire with the ability to perform.

DOM chuwariwap: But I am fine with being imbalanced.  

The most common male problems I encounter are when they want to perform but their bodies are incapable of catching up.

NGSB chuwariwap: What type of performance are we talking about? Do I need to bring my minus one?

Or they are just too tired to perform but their drive is too strong.

DOM chuwariwap: Tell me about it.

How about if this needle can’t poke as well as it used to?

When we talk about impotence, it can be due to damage to the kidney yang. When there is damage to kidney yang, the patients usually complain of low back pain and knee pain. If there is kidney yang damage, I use a lot of moxibustion and needle the points associated with the kidney, which are below the bellybutton, near the back of the waist, the back of the ankles, and the top of the head. In effect, you’re needling one head to help out the other head.

Hey, I’m the one who is supposed to make innuendo-filled jokes in this column.

There is also one cause of impotence that many DOMs would hate to be lectured on: TCM believes that repeated seminal emission or excessive sexual activity leads you to “run out of gas.”

DOM chuwariwap: That is why I am now looking for alternative fuel sources.

In this soft-core erotic movie Sex and Zen 1 that was set in the Tang Dynasty…

You do conduct rather unorthodox medical research.

…A man received an interspecies transplant from a horse. Now what kind of body part would you want from the horse?

NGSB chuwariwap: The hooves?

The poor guy was kidnapped by an Amazon women tribe and forced to become a stud.

DOM chuwariwap: Where can I apply to be kidnapped?

Later on in the movie, it was revealed that he had spent almost all of his fuel. He was found to be almost deaf, blind, bald, withered and almost toothless.

DOM chuwariwap (as he puts his dentures back on): And that is a life well lived.  

For a Westerner, the idea that a tribe of woman kidnap you to make you their sex slave might be his idea of paradise so he can finally die happy. But in Chinese philosophy, this situation can lead you to die miserably.  

NGSB chuwariwap: I hope I can die miserable.

This immoderate use of your “gas” is the same principle as porn stars in the States.

You must really love your job.

I’ve read some interviews with them when it comes to exercising their profession. They were asked why they had such high emission levels during their work. They said it was because they didn’t use their fuel several days before the shoot.

NGSB chuwariwap: Especially since gas prices have increased.

If you keep on expending your “fuel,” letting stuff out, that’s when you start injuring yourself.

NGSB chuwariwap. I know what you mean. I had to be treated for carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands.

Acupuncture is a temporary measure (to help restore your yang), but you still can’t abuse it.

And since we are on the subject of not abusing it, can you engage in intimate relations before or after acupuncture?

No, that is a contra-indication. They say you cannot have acupuncture if you are too hungry or too full or too physically tired. Why? Because we are stimulating the nerves. So what do you think happens if you give them acupuncture when they are overstimulated? Well, let’s just say that I’ve been puked on.

Maybe you should have waited until after their intimate relations before you started poking the guy? Now, this question is literally the tip of the iceberg: Have you ever had to poke anybody in the poker?

We never put it directly there.

Are there any acupuncture points thereabouts?

Nope, because there is always the danger of hitting a major blood vessel and it’s going to bleed too much.

NGSB chuwariwap: So that’s why…

And so what do you do if your patient experiences pain in that area? Do you just give him a nice big manly hug, a bucket of ice and then confiscate all of his pornographic material?

Well, there are points for that type of pain that we can needle near the leg. But the closest acupuncture point to that area is at the center of the perineum: the midpoint between the tip of the scrotum and the anus.

How tasteful. Have you ever poked anyone in that region before?

No.

Why? For aesthetic reasons? For sanitary reasons? Out of fear?

Because I am scared of being accused that I am a DOM.

DOM chuwariwap: Don’t worry, I’ve got a good lawyer.

Interestingly enough, the center of the perineum is very good for treating headaches.  

I would think so. The fear of getting yourself poked somewhere between your scrotum and your anus will get rid of that headache once and for all. 

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For comments, suggestions, or a good poke, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.comor visit jledesma.net” www.rjledesma.net. Follow me on twitter, my ID is rjled.