The triangle offense

Because impeachable officials demanded it! After being released on bail, motivational speaker and sales guru John Calub returns to teach No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) and Dirty Old Men (DOMs) how to con, este, how to communicate your way into the heart of the opposite sex. And, quite possibly, other body parts as well.

But fret not, my three female readers, there is no need to unleash a pack of Siberian Huskies to chew away at his soft parts. Not just yet. John Calub (a.k.a. J.C., a.k.a. The Savior) promises that all men who undergo his persuasion skills training seminar sign off on a commitment form (which is almost the same as having these men committed) that states that these skills should only be used to benefit (in his own committed words) “the highest good of all concerned.”

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire. 

And those great balls might just be set ablaze unless the NGSBs and DOMs pay heed to The Savior’s persuasion parables on the snail, the flea and the triangle.

RJ LEDESMA: Am I to understand that a lack of common sense is necessary in attracting the opposite sex and in other life-threatening encounters?

JOHN CALUB: When it comes to persuading a girl, you must always act counter-intuitively.

Counter-intuitively? So instead of asking the girl out on a date, you should ask out her yaya?

It’s this simple: Whatever you think is the proper way to court a woman, must do the opposite.

DOM chuwariwap (sidekick): Wait, is this different from a woman taking you to court?

For example, you are used to giving women roses and chocolates…

DOM chuwariwap: And gold necklaces and condominium units and college degrees.

…But what men don’t know is that when you show the girl feel like you really, really like her, then she will shy away.

DOM chuwariwap: Well, that’s a relief. I always thought that these women shied away because they saw my profile on the wanted posters.

So you should to the exact opposite. Do not show her how much you like her, especially in terms of your body language or your courtship activities.

NGSB chuwariwap: So should I just continue to stalk them like I usually do?

Once the girl senses that you “like her,” it creates a “barrier.” She immediately puts up their defenses.

NGSB chuwariwap: So that’s why she had electrified barbed wire and broken softdrink bottles placed all over the gates of her house.

When you approach a woman, what you should say is “I’m in a hurry and I’m am about to leave, but I just noticed you.”

DOM chuwariwap: And it’s better to always be in a hurry if you are trying to elude arrest.

In fact, it’s even better to mention to the woman that you already have a girlfriend.

NGSB chuwariwap: One can dream.

When you say those things, it means that you aren’t a threat to her.

DOM chuwariwap: Little do they know, I am as threatening as a fault line.

You can even tell her “You’re actually very beautiful, but honestly you’re not my type.”

Wow, for those words to issue forth from your mouth, you must either have testicles of steel or a head injury. Or both.

When you say this, then automatically…

You are charged with perjury?

…The “defense barrier” of the woman shuts down because she thinks, “He doesn’t have any interest in me.” So now she can speak no-holds-barred with this person because he has no intentions with her.

DOM chuwariwap: Lying is always a great way to start off a meaningful relationship.

There’s also what we call “embedded commands.”

Embedded the same way that fleas are embedded in a dog? 

And you insert these “embedded commands” into parallel realities. 

So you need a degree in quantum physics to persuade women?

That means that while you are talking about “something,” you are actually inserting a command into that “something.”

So you can get a little something something?

For example, I will talk about a snail.

What a great conversation piece for persuading women.

You can talk about how a snail crawls very slowly until it reaches its destination. But what I am actually embedding into that conversation is that “I am working you out slowly, but by the end of this conversation I will be successful in winning your heart.”

That being the case, women should always bring a bottle of salt whenever you are around. Now let’s talk about something that most men are highly illiterate about, which is body language. How do we use it, how do we spell with it, and what do we use for punctuation?

Again, the key to body language is to do the opposite. So when you are facing a woman and talking to her…

DOM chuwariwap: You ask her what part of your body begins with the letter B?

…You move your body slightly to the side.

Why is that? So you can quickly run away if she has a taser in her handbag?

Or do not lean forward. You want to make her feel as if you are disinterested in her. It should be as if you are ready to walk away from the woman.

DOM chuwariwap: And you get used to walking away from a woman after the first 2,563 tries.

You want her to think that you are about to leave and that she doesn’t have to be threatened your presence.

DOM chuwarirwap: And, most importantly, that she doesn’t whip out that taser. Them tasers can be dangerous, you know. They disrupt pacemakers.

Another technique for persuading the opposite sex is eye contact. When looking at a woman, do you know what part of her that you are supposed to look at so as to make her attracted to you?

NGSB chuwariwap: The part that is PG-13?

When you are conversing with someone during a business meeting and you want to convey the message that you are paying attention, you look in a triangular sequence: from the side of one eye, to the side of the other eye, then to the tip of the nose. But if you want to convey a message of attraction, you increase the scope of the triangle: from the side of one eye, to the side of the other eye, then to the lips.

NGSB chuwariwap: I should have paid more attention during my geometry classes. 

If you want to make it more intimate, make the triangle even lower. Start looking at the neck, the cleavage, maybe even lower.

NGSB chuwariwap: You mean I don’t have to ask permission?

But it’s subtle because as your eyes move in a triangle.

As subtle as a midnight oil price hike.

Do not make the mistake of looking at her chest because…

NGSB chuwariwap: You might go blind?

…It will be too obvious. That’s why if you triangulate your gaze and she catches you, you weren’t actually gazing all the time at her chest. 

DOM chuwariwap: You were just gazing a third of the time. That reasoning might just hold up in court.

That triangular type of gaze sends a powerful message to the woman’s subconscious mind.  

And what is that message? “Run away from him as fast as your three-inch heels will take you?”

When we converse, words only communicate seven percent of our message. So it doesn’t really matter how much of a smooth talker you claim to be. A majority of what we communicate is through our body language.

NGSB chuwariwap: The only language my body knows is jejemon, pohhz.

Another technique for persuasion is called “anchoring.” For example, you take her to a fancy restaurant and she says, “I am so happy that you brought me here. This is a place that I have always wanted to go to.”

Then she asks you to leave before her real date arrives?

While she is experiencing this moment of elation, you lightly touch her on the shoulder.

NGSB chuwariwap: You’re allowed to do that without permission!?

What you are doing is that you are trying to “anchor” that feeling. Tell her that “I’ve always wanted to bring you here. And I know that this feeling will always come back to you whenever we see each other.” You are doing this so that the next time you meet her…

DOM chuwariwap: So that would be after I’ve served my sentence? 

…You can bring out the same feeling again. Her subconscious will recognize that it is you, and she will associate you with that feeling of elation. All you have to do is lightly touch on the shoulder again and you activate that same feeling. 

So the moral lesson here for my three female readers is: Always make sure to wear shoulder pads.

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For comments, suggestions, or if you need to triangulate your gaze, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. Follow me on twitter, my ID is rjled.