The hair down there

My wife told me that I should start off the year with some spring cleaning. So I decided to get my pubic hair cut.

But not just any pubic hair cutter, mind you, my three female readers. For the benefit of the overgrown, the disheveled, and the hopelessly entangled, please allow me to introduce Manang Reggie, pubic hair cutter to the stars and the star-studded (sometimes, the studs won’t come off). If only her scissors could talk, they would be deep penetration agents (DPA) for Philippine STAR “Entertainment” columnist Ricky Lo.

Manang Reggie has been clearing pubic forests for private safety, comfort and viewing for more than six years now. Unfortunately, Manang Reggie’s work has often gone unnoticed (and this is not only because she does home service). Thus, for posterity’s sake and for the sake of many men whose pubic hair has been causing an ecological imbalance in their underwear, consider this Manang Reggie’s pubic, este, public debut.

While Manang was sharpening her scissors for this life-changing procedure, I asked my wife to stay close beside me to make sure that there would be no injuries to myself or to Manang Reggie, self-inflicted or otherwise.

CUTTING IT CLOSE

RJ LEDESMA: Manang Reggie, I understand that you’ve groomed the nether regions of many a public figure? 

MANANG REGGIE: Mostly celebrities.

Really? Do you get to take home any souvenirs from their pubic regions?

Not really. (Laughs)

But they have good resale value on eBay, you know? Sige nga, you can start your collection with mine.

RJ’s WIFE: Yes, you can use it to make him kulam (put a curse).

So how did you enter into this line of business, Manang? Was it something that has interested you ever since you were a young child? 

I learned (how to cut pubic hair and to wax) when I worked at a salon until I eventually went freelance.

Because pubic hair should not only be freed in the confines of a salon. Are there any requirements for cutting pubic hair? Did you have to undergo vocational training? Did you need TESDA certification? Or is cutting pubic hair a mutant power?

Not really, (you can cut pubic hair) as long as you are interested.

So you have always been interested in cutting pubic hair? Is that what you put on your Facebook profile? 

Yes. (Laughs) I was really self-taught. I used to watch other people (giving waxes and pubic hair cuts). When I became interested in doing it myself, I quickly learned how to do it. 

I didn’t realize that you learn quickly if you are a voyeur. A lot of DOMs pala can qualify as pubic hair cutters. Do you plan to expand your practice and cut hair in the other less visible body parts above the waist? Such as the nose? The nipple? The armpit?

No more na. Just there.

You’re a specialist, I see.

Before, I also used to cut hair.

Wow, so there is a downward sloping career path in hair cutting. Is there a difference between cutting hair in the North Pole and the South Pole? Are the hairs in both as equally cooperative? Do they both respond well to conditioner? Do they both need to be air-dried?

Not really. They are both still hair. (Laughs) It’s just that you have to be more delicate with the hair down there.

Why? Are you scared that your fingers might get entangled in the overgrowth?

If we (hair cutters) are already careful when we cut the hair on your head, then we have to be more careful with the hair around your pubic region.

Especially if there are any wild creatures hiding in those untamed pubic forests. Do you find the hair below to be coarser? More wiry? More toxic?

Not really. There is some hair that is curly. There is some hair that is also straight. It’s not all the same.

May straight!? You should be careful, you might get pricked.

And there is some pubic hair that is so unmanageable that it is almost coarse.

You should charge extra for hazard pay. Or at least bring a chainsaw. Are there other services that you have brought from your former haircutting practice into pubic haircutting? Like do you do crewcuts? Mohawks? A bob?

If you get a Brazilian, then you can make some designs.

I don’t need a Brazilian to design my hair for me down there, thank you. I think Filipinos can do just as good a job.

But for a pubic haircut, it’s just a very straight job.

And sometimes it is a job that can curve ever so slightly upward and to the left. I’m curious: Does anybody get their hair dyed down there?

No.

Not even for purposes of consistency? How about permed?

No.

Not even blow-dried?

No. (Laughs, but thinks about it.)

I overheard some DOMs laughing over that last remark, Manang Reggie. Feel free to stab them with discarded razor-sharp pubic hairs. Is there a technique that you employ in cutting pubic hair that makes you stand out from other pubic hair cutters? Do you use tweezers? Flame throwers? Your bare hands?

When you cut pubic hair, you really have to use two hands.

As opposed to using three hands?

If you only use one hand, you might end up—

Accidentally circumcising your client? Do you have a license for that?

Because you need to use one hand to pull the hair.

And the other hand to cover your eyes? So how hard do you pull at the hair? Can you tell by volume of their screams?

Siyempre, alalay lang (Of course, with a little precaution).

I see, so you use your other hand to muffle their screams. 

HAIR, THERE AND EVERYWHERE

When you cut male pubic hair, aren’t these men usually embarrassed to have their hair cut? And, when they are embarrassed, doesn’t that make the job harder for you?

Some of them are embarrassed, but I just remind them “This is just a job” and I am also “walang hiya” (I have no shame). (Laughs shamelessly)

What a coincidence, walang hiya rin ako (I have no shame)! Maybe I can explore a career as a pubic hair cutter. 

Before I used to be embarrassed, but I’ve already gotten over that. (Laughs even more shamelessly)

That’s the kind of confidence that you can only gain from pulling and cutting pubic hair. So how long should a man wait until he has his pubic hair groomed? Do you wait until it starts creeping through your bikini briefs? Do you wait until little children can swing from them across your knees? Or do you wait until you step on it and accidentally trip yourself?

It really depends on you.

Personally, I would like it cut to the point that you can see the tree in the forest. And after creating a manicured forest, how long does it take to reforestation to occur?

About one month.

May I ask you a professional question: How much male, ahem, heavy machinery have you seen in your six-year profession as a pubic hair cutter? 

I usually cut female hair, so I have only seen a couple of men. Maybe five or six. 

Whew. I should be so lucky then that you don’t have much of a basis for comparison. Especially since I am walang hiya. But how about the rest of the Pinoys whom you have groomed? In size?

Katamtaman lang (Fairly moderate).

In that case I hope I am not scaring you as well. What do you while away the time while cutting pubic hair? Do you listen to relaxing music? Do you make tsismis (gossip)? Do you give a pedicure at the same time? 

Nothing much. I just make kwento (stories) and kwento so that my mind is not focused on what I am doing. 

So does that mean the longer the kuwentuhan, the more primeval the forest?

It’s awkward when both of you are silent (during the haircut), especially since some male clients tend to be malicious.

Manang, please stop servicing Gary Lising.

There are a lot of them out there.

How do you handle these malicious men? Many DOMs would like to know so that they can take out some medical insurance.

I just tell myself “trabaho lang ‘yan” (It’s just a job). Some of my friends have told me, “Why don’t you just leave those clients?” I tell them, “Ah, lugi naman ako kapag iwanan ko sila! Hindi pa bayad!” (I cant leave, I haven’t been paid yet). (Laughs while demonstrating her proficiency with scissors)  

I admire your perseverance in your chosen profession. And having a pair of scissors where it counts probably does a lot to boost your confidence.

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For those who want Manang Reggie to boldly go where no man, woman or domestic animal has gone before, please contact Manang Reggie at 0920-8183410.

For comments, suggestions, or some hair for your scrapbook, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. Add rjled on Twitter!