Men interrupted
Irrationality
Christian Angelo Manhilot, 23, son of actor/politician, Cesar Montano; Edward James Lim, 25, son of Toni Rose Gayda and Moonie Lim; and the son of a friend (name withheld) who had migrated to Toronto, 22; all allegedly took their own lives within a week of each other because of unbearable heartbreak over their girlfriends.
Ah, women — what they do and why they do it and how it can spill the blood of men may just be one of the most baffling mysteries of all time. Women have forever been known as the irrational gender exhibiting erratic behavioral patterns impossible to qualify and classify even by science. And so in the absence of a rationale, female hormones and their ever fluctuating levels have been the catchall excuse for many a woman’s unpredictability: there’s pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS), ovulation, perimenopause, menopause, among others, used to explain why women are relentlessly driving men crazy. In the case of these three young men though, and regrettably so, it had driven them to their graves.
When women do something totally irrational we all just shrug it off and blame it on their gender: “Ah, crazy girl,” or “Ah, lady driver,” or “Ah, scorned woman.” But when men — these supposed cerebral beings who are always in control, these champions of life and protectors of the human race, the epitome of all that is strong and logical — commit the most irrational of acts such as interrupting their own lives, it is a Greek tragedy of unspeakable proportions.
And so we comfort each other at their loss by saying exactly that, “Ah women, what they did to these boys…”
Taken too young and in the most painful of ways, how do we explain it? Do we even attempt an explanation or do we simply charge it to this one big irrational universe? Could we have helped them? Could we have stopped it?
They say that the most powerful instinct that governs humans is the instinct for survival. So much so that the taking of one’s life counters all human predispositions. Not to oversimplify but isn’t it that when one’s life is threatened, the overwhelming instinct is to defend oneself to the point of killing the source of threat. So that the very act of violence turned toward the self is a negation of all that represents life.
Suicide, psychologists say, isn’t all that irrational, not all that random. And the desire to commit the act doesn’t germinate overnight, not even over several days. Normally, it takes many months for an individual to spiral into a feeling of severe helplessness and loneliness, the pit of which is the snuffing off of life.
“There are tell-tale signs,” a psychologist friend, who requests not to be named, said. (She claims that suicide cases are extremely sensitive, not to be discussed publicly, and must be treated on a case by case basis.) “Severe depression, the symptoms of which are: extreme moodiness, withdrawal from all social activities, loss of sleep and weight, feelings of extreme helplessness and hopelessness, unexplained chronic fatigue, all set in but it takes many months for these to drive an individual to self harm. So, the parents, relatives, girlfriends or boyfriends must be vigilant in looking out for these. One must keep an eye out for withdrawal from activities that used to give pleasure to this individual. A normal reaction for someone suffering from emotional/psychological pain is to go out and party with his/her friends and maybe drown his sorrow in alcohol, which is still within the range of normal behavior because it is a very social activity. But to withdraw into the self and shun the whole world are red flags. Hook them up immediately with a psychologist or a counselor. This is the point where they are most likely unable to deal with the pain by themselves.”
Did we not breed this culture of estrangement for our men by raising them to be tight-lipped about anything concerning emotions? Did we not socialize them into these macho beings, steeled against all matters of the heart and the soul so much so that the verbal processing of one’s emotions has been designated as strictly estrogen city? Do we not have the collective responsibility to raise our men and our women away from the province of irrationality? Isn’t this huge irrational universe our very own creation because of our strictly defined gender roles and gender trait assignations?
Randomness
Chris Lim, 53, died of a heart attack several months ago while playing squash. Miguel Madrigal Vasquez, 52, died while competing in the swim leg of the Ironman competition in Camsur in August of last year. Dave Puyat, 42, died of a stroke while playing football just last week.
Chris Lim was a board member of the school where my children go and so on countless occasions we had bumped into each other. He never seemed rushed; he always made one feel that he had time to stop and chat. And stay he did until all queries had been answered, all unsolicited comments addressed. He stood there in his crisp white shirt with nary a crease, navy trousers, and gleaming tie clip and looked at the school parent he happened to be speaking with intently through his spectacles and regarded him with as much focus and attention as he afforded the school guards and maintenance personnel. At 53 years of age, he was an avid sportsman. And on a very ordinary day last year, news broke that Chris Lim had suffered a fatal heart attack while in the middle of a squash game.
I never had the pleasure of knowing Miguel Madrigal Vasquez but friends and close relatives tell of a gentleman devoted to his sport and the discipline of it, which had carried over to every avenue of his life. I had glimpsed him in training once at the Polo Club pool, racing against a gigantic analog clock that was poised by the pool’s edge, disappearing into and resurfacing from the water every few strokes to take breaths. And then a sister-in-law sent a text on that fateful competition day in Camsur that a certain Ironman contender, Miguel Madrigal Vasquez, had failed to resurface from the water. He was found, after a while, lifeless.
I met Dave Puyat 16 years ago along with his then fiancée, Berna Romulo, at a mandatory pre-marriage seminar. And as all seminars of the type go, what with the regulation “sharing” or life disclosure portion, the getting-to-know-you process was fast-tracked in triple time. He struck me then as the amiable type, a champion in the charm and brains department. His easy demeanor gave him this aura of authenticity that captivated many.
Just like Chris Lim, he, too, served on the same school board so that accidental meetings were commonplace. And just like Chris, he had that very same spirit of service to the community that defined his persona. Each time, he flashed that ready smile and gave pleasantries that always rang true. From what I saw at school, he was a hands-on father, very much involved in his son Vito’s affairs, and lately also in his daughter Maia’s, who had just transferred to the school this year.
And then last Sunday, my daughter came up to me and said, “Mom, do you know Vito’s dad, Dave Puyat? He died of a heart attack last night.”
These were young, remarkable men at the prime of their lives with little children and devoted wives. Is the fact that they were taken doing what they loved most supposed to be a consolation? Why were they taken too soon? The bible says, “God giveth and God taketh away.” But would He allow this unspeakable pain to befall the families of these good men? A loving God certainly would not do that. Old folks say, “The good die young.” Where is the justice in this? Don’t we need the good to stay in our irrational universe to hopefully put some meaning into it? But then the same old folks say that the good are taken to be spared from all that irrationality.
Is the belief true, after all, that the universe in all its irrationality simply has a way about itself, governed by randomness and energy fields that take and add lives as the planets turn on their axes to redistribute energy to maintain order and balance at all times?
Are there, in fact, answers or must we take whatever it is — faith, logic, feng shui, voodoo, anything at all — that will sustain us through very trying times? Or is this simply an irrational world where randomness prevails, and the search for meaning, each person’s journey?
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Thank you for your letters. You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.
