Naturally gifted

Meet Madrox the Multiple Man. Madrox is a Marvel comic book character. Madrox is a mutant who works with the X-Men. And Madrox is a man who likes to talk to himself. 

No, Madrox is not schizophrenic. Rather, Madrox has the mutant ability to generate multiple copies of himself. And just how does he re-produce? Through friction or through impact. Which means that Madrox must have rather interesting (and crowded) private moments with himself. And himself. And himself.

Aside from narcissistic reasons, just what is the benefit of going multiple aside from hiring yourself out to unscrupulous politicians during election day? Well, my naturopathic physician at the Life Force General Naturopathic Wellness clinic knows the benefits of going multiple. 

If you allow him to bring out the mutant in you.

Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hand

RJ: One of my three female readers threw this question to me from a note attached to a brick that went through my banyo’s windowpane: Are there any natural aphrodisiacs for the less hairy sex?

For females, we have a herbal cocktail called “Woman Alive.” This pill is actually for women who have already gone through menopause and don’t know how they can get themselves aroused again because they lack the necessary substances in their body that enable them to have intercourse. So, what “Woman Alive” does is return to the body the “stuff” that the body lost.

Yaya: Pila ina (How much is that)? I “hab” some catching up to do.

The Legion of Dirty Old Men (DOMs): Yaya, anong phone number mo?  

You all stay away from my yaya! She has a perpetual vow of involuntary chastity. For the sake of my yaya’s propriety, let us divert the attention of our readers and ask: Are there any more natural aphrodisiacs for men?

There is the “long jack” pill which is the English name for tongkat ali. Our “long jack” is pure tongkat ali. It is basically a plant that induces your testosterone to rise.

Giselle Sanchez: Sabi mo (You said it)! Hyuck hyuck hyuck! (Sticks out her tongue and crosses her eyes)!

We also have “hot plants.” This pill is basically a stack of herbs like yohimbe, horny goat weed, ginseng, gingko biloba, vitamin B, vitamin C, and niacin, among others. Ingredients like gingko biloba play on the circulation, pantothenic acid plays on the adrenal glands and choline plays on the libido and the brain.

The League of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs): Sigh. Sometimes all we can do is play with our brains. 

The berries and plants from “hot plants” come from the Amazon jungle.

Wow. Brazilian aphrodisiacs, Brazilian wax, Giselle Bundchen, truly amazing things come out of Brazil.

“Hot plants” also come with chocolate. Chocolate makes you amorous because it induces oxytocin, which is also known as the love hormone. 

Ah, to be amorous and be-pimpled That takes me back to my adolescence.

But the chocolate has to be raw cacao. Cacao alone is a blood pressure suppressor. Because if you put sugar and milk into the chocolate, that will make your blood thick and give you high blood pressure. Sugar and milk make your blood thick.

The Legion of DOMs: Even if you just use the chocolate as body frosting?

Have that DOM arrested by the Bureau of Food and Drugs (BFAD)! And confiscate his chocolate body frosting for research purposes!

And The Show Must Go On

We’ve talked about natural aphrodisiacs that help men with their opening act, but how about natural aphrodisiacs that help with the feature performance? In Western medicine, all you have to do is pop a Viagra before the start of the show.  

Even if you can get your best friend to stand at attention, but if you don’t have that stimulus coming from your brain, then you cannot achieve “peak season” during the act. Without the oxytocin hormones along with the other neuro-transmitters in the brain that send the signals to all your nerves, limbs, there’s now way you can achieve it. You will not be able to close the deal.

(Without warning, an image of Kris Aquino shrieking “Deal or No Deal” flashes in RJ’s mind. RJ winces.)

So what can the Legion of DOMs resort to for their feature performance aside from nanotechnology, silicone implants or hydraulics?

One of the most important supplements that you will need is vitamin B, particularly vitamin B3 and B12 because they deal with energy, and Vitamin B5 (pantothenic acid) because it is critical for the manufacture of sex hormones in the adrenal glands. Choline is important because it enhances levels of acetylcholine, a brain chemical that sends sexual impulses from your brain to your reproductive organs. Vitamin C is also important because it is an anti-oxidant and you need a lot of oxygen in your blood for performance. If you need a lot of oxygen in your blood, you can use wheat grass, chlorella, spirulina, anything that comes from a vegetable source.

The resident couch potato among the League of NGSBs: How about me? I’m practically a vegetable myself. I’m deeply rooted to my Lazyboy

Anything that comes from a vegetable source carries a lot of oxygen. And oxygen is a precursor to nitric oxide. Your best friend will stand at attention as long as it has a consistent supply of nitric oxide. Nitric oxide, in turn, will only come if you have a lot of clean blood.

So, there are no refilling stations where we can pump the nitric oxide directly into your best friend?

You can’t pump it directly into your best friend because nitric oxide has to be metabolized by the body. First, the blood has to carry the oxygen. Then the oxygen has to be metabolized to deliver nitric oxide to your best friend.

There goes my latest money-making scheme.

What’s the frequency?

From a purely biological standpoint, is there a certain frequency that the hairier sex must engage in intercourse to stay healthy? Please let us know before the CBCP shuts us down.

Let’s put it this way: Females have a finite number of eggs. When they run out of eggs, they enter into menopause. But the males continue to produce sperm until the day we die.

The Legion of DOMs: And that’s a math fact.

The only limitation that men have is getting their best friend to stand at attention. However, even if you can’t get your best friend to stand at attention, your body is still producing sperm. And if you don’t use it, it gets bulok (spoiled). You will want to get rid of the surplus? 

What happens if you don’t get rid of the surplus? Do you hold a garage sale?

Siyempre (of course), anything that turns bulok turns into a nana (pus). And what is nana? A whole bunch of dirty sludge. So imagine a pimple. Inside your pimple is nana. So, imagine your prostate. Now, would you like to have nana inside your prostate?

The League of NGSBs: We need emergency medical assistance. Heeeelllpppp!!!!

The body won’t expel the nana until you intentionally expel it yourself.

The emergency medical technicians to the League of NGSBs: In cases like this, we think you can self-medicate.

If you don’t expel the nana, it can cause other tissues and cells to mutate in that direction. 

(Looking at the NGSBs) You poor mutated, asymmetrical, bepimpled lot.  

Intercourse is one way of equalizing your hormones and releasing stress, along with exercise and the culinary arts.

And some people like to combine all three at the same time.

A minimum of once a week is good. But more than once a week is always better. The same goes also for the women.

Can you please write that down on a prescription pad so that I can show it to my wife?  

There are many health benefits to engaging in intercourse at least once a week since it triggers a lot of chemical reactions that are advantageous for the body. First of all, intercourse increases your immune system. Second, intercourse causes an increase in immunoglobulin A, an antibody that fights infection and helps fight off colds.

League of NGSBs: Ah-chooo! Ah-chooo! Ah-chooo!

Intercourse improves your biological response to stress and gives you a higher circulation rate. It lowers your blood pressure which, in turn, lowers your risk of heart disease. And women can get more regular and predictable periods because of exposure to male pheromones. 

The Legion of DOMs: That is why we like exposing ourselves. So women can live a more predictable life. It’s our charity work.

It improves your memory because increases blood flow to the brain and prevents stroke. Intercourse helps tone your abdominals, butt and other muscles in the body and it improves the appearance of your hair, skin and nails. 

The League of NGSBs: That is why we like exposing ourselves. So we can increase our country’s chances to win in Miss Universe. It’s pride of country.

And intercourse also increases the feelings of motivation and inspiration because of the release of endorphins (“natural pain relievers” — RJ’s note), and prevents depression.

That’s why my wife is in a constant state of euphoria.  

Intercourse can even reduce LDL (“bad”) cholesterol and increase HDL (“good”) cholesterol by dumping fat.

(RJ picks up his cell phone) Sweety pie, I need some emergency medical assistance for my unusually high cholesterol levels. Come now and bring some scented candles!

The Energizer Bunny

And for the sake of the dwindling Legion of DOMs out there, is there any natural aphrodisiac out there that they can use so they can eventually die a happy death? I have heard them gasping for their final breaths as they wheeze about a pill that can halt climate change, end world hunger and change the results of election surveys. What is this seemingly magic pill that keeps on giving and giving and giving?

There is pill that is composed of several herbs that play both on the mind and on the circulation. It contains choline, pantothenic acid, gingko biloba, yohimbe, horny goat weed, and several others. The ingredients may be similar to the other pills that I mentioned before, but they come in different ratios. The pill is called “Ropex.” What does this pill do? Well, men do not have the capacity to have multiple “peaks” during intercourse like women can have. Men can only experience one or two “ropes”, then the peak is over. (“Ropes” refer to the physical contractions that a man experiences during the “peak” of intercourse. These “ropes” are also called “waves.” That’s what one of the card-carrying member of the Legion of DOMs told me. Honest… — RJ’s note)

“Ropex” magnifies your “peak.” It increases the number of “waves” during your “peak” to simulate multiple “peaks.”

Naku, doc, kung magka-tsunami sa Pilipinas (If there is a tsunami that hits the Philippines), it’s all your fault.

* * *

For information on Life Force, call 0928-5026400, visit www.lifeforcewellness.net or e-mail lifeforcelaser@hotmail.com.

For comments, suggestions, or if you need emergency medical assistance, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. You can also subscribe to twitter.com/rjled610.