AU NATURAL

Blame it on my unusually high cholesterol levels. I thought that munching on grass and slurping down soya milk had eased out whatever animal fat had been squatting in my colon since I forsook meat six years ago. But frustratingly enough, every time I’ve gone for a blood test since I turned a vegetarian, my LDL cholesterols have gone up as steadily as the president’s dissatisfaction ratings.

How could that be possible? Was my bad cholesterol a result of juggling seven jobs, a baby daughter and a receding hairline? Was it the result of a diet primarily composed of four cheese pizzas and iced tea? Or was it my non-stop listening to WRock? 

And, according to my naturopath, what was the reason behind my spiraling levels of LDL cholesterol?

My dirty mind.

(As if my three female readers didn’t know that by know). 

Please make sure that you are not only in a seated position but that you also have an empty stomach as well as my naturopath explains the meaning behind the phrase: “Everything begins with the end in mind.”

Nurtured By Nature

Philippine STAR: Now that you’ve digitally examined my energy flow, shot me through with a cold laser and had me breathe in ozonated air, what is it exactly that you do?

OKI DOKI DOK: (Laughs) Basically, a naturopathic physician is a person who does not use any form of drugs to treat any form of disease. In the American medical mindset, they follow the “germ theory” proposed by Louis Pasteur: You have a germ, you kill it.

That’s brutal. In the Philippines, if you have a germ, you can make him run as a party-list representative.

But in that case, you’re actually just reacting to the situation. In naturopathics, we want to prevent the germ from entering your body in the first place. And how do we do that? By espousing different ways to keep your immune systems high and avoid poisons that can destroy the body.

I can see from your extensive ‘80s porn collection that you are probably an expert on natural aphrodisiacs. What exactly would you define as “natural aphrodisiacs” — aside from your yellowing pile of Tikatik magazines?

In the context of the American medical mentality, they would give you Viagra, Levitra or Cialis, which inhibit phosphodiesterase and make your best friend stand at attention. But these pills will not get you to a standing ovation in and of themselves. Your initial erection still has to be triggered psychologically. Without that initial push, those pills will have no effect whatsoever. In the naturopathic context, we don’t want to react to a situation, we always want to keep you prepared for contact.

So that means that for the libidinously-challenged, they should always keep an extra copy of The Best of Tikatik Magasin 1987 in their clutch bag?

Well, your brain and nervous system control your sex glands and your genitals. So they also control your sexual desire. This is why visual images — like those in a girlie magazine — trigger sexual desire in both sexes.  

I always told my wife that my magazine collection would serve a medical purpose.

But even if your mind is able to make you sexually desirous, you still need to perform effectively. And to make sure you are able to perform effectively, you need to get your blood cleaned. If your blood is dirty, it doesn’t matter how much sex you think of, you aren’t going to be able to stand at attention.

(The League of No Girlfriends Since Birth: But we are willing to give it a try! For the love of all that is holy, please let us give it a try!)

For example, diabetics who have thick blood have so much blood in their sugar that it is like syrup. Because of the thick blood, the body cannot send nitric oxide to your best friend and make it stand at attention. For those suffering from this condition, oftentimes the desire is there, but the body will not follow. 

When that happens, don’t you just wish that you were a mutant with telepathic powers? Para naman mind over matter instead of your matter getting in the way of your mind?

Sometimes your body is not set up for sexual act because of all the toxins that are clogging up your system. If you are clogged in your reproductive area, then you will surely be clogged in the heart, too. That means barado rin ang bituka mo (your guts are stuck up), barado ang pancreas mo (your pancreas is stuck up), barado ang liver mo (your liver is stuck up), barado ang utak mo (your brain is stuck up). Lahat barado (Everything is stuck up).

(The League of NGSBs: We know exactly what you mean...)

Wait, are you telling me that you need to unclog your brain as well? Then that means you will no longer have a dirty mind. If you no longer have a dirty mind, then what’s the point?

You can have a dirty mind! But the question is: Will our best friend follow our dirty mind?

If there is a court order mandating your best friend to do so. So, if your blood is as clogged as EDSA during rush hour, what steps can you take to reconcile with your best friend? Should you offer it an apology letter? Flowers and rock candy? A Swedish pump?

It is always best — not only for the purposes of sexual health but also for the purposes of good health — to have clean blood. Let me give you an analogy: ideally, you bring your car to the shop every four months for an oil change, a filter change and a tune-up. If you don’t get your car cleaned and checked regularly, the oil gets dirty and the car breaks down. The same thing goes with the human body.

Well, with the exception for my wife, I don’t really like anybody else looking under my hood. And maybe the Brazilian waxer.

You want to have a regular maintenance schedule to keep your blood clean or else you accumulate too much cholesterol, too much sugar, too much uric acid, too much of whatever sludge you’re shoveling into your body. For example, if you drink a lot of beer, then you get a lot of sugar. If you eat a lot of fried food, then you get a lot of oil, a lot of animal sterols (which you call cholesterol), and you get a lot of uric acid crystals. In effect, you become what you eat if you don’t find a way to burn it up.

But if you take away all that cholesterol, sugar and uric acid from me, I will end up becoming a pound of flesh with a receding hairline and no personality. Isn’t there any quick fix way that you can mop up the blood? A special blood-cleansing pill? An industrial-strength detergent? A vacuum cleaner?

First of all, you have to open the doorway to cleaning your insides. And that doorway is your backside. Most people are clogged in their backsides. And do you know why they are clogged?? First, not enough physical activity. Second, too much sugar or carbohydrates in the diet makes you very acidic. Third, too much animal protein or oil in the diet also makes you acidic. Next, lack of water also makes you acidic. And finally, lack of sleep also makes you acidic.

No wonder I’m so full of crap.

All these acidic factors propagate an environment in your body that allows bacteria to thrive. As these bacteria thrive, they circulate around your body and enter different tissues. This makes your body prone to a myriad of things — from an oily face to deteriorating eyesight to memory loss due to brain cell deterioration to low energy levels to infection to cellular damage.

I’m sorry, what were we talking about again?

Practically all of these conditions are reflected when your intestines are dirty. If you have something in your pipes, some people think that it’s good enough to go once a day to the toilet. But that’s not enough. You have to be able to put out as much as you put into your mouth from the previous day. So if you can go two to three times a day, so much the better.

Naku, if I get rid of that much crap, then I will have absolutely nothing else to write about.

Remember: no matter how much you clean up of your house, if your garbage is not collected by the basurero (garbage collector) and the trash remains inside of the house, then the people in the house will start getting stick. If you don’t get rid of the trash in your colon, your immune systems will be compromised.

What’s the best way then to unclog your backside that does not involve the use of anal probes, toilet plungers or explosives?

What we do in the clinic is that we send a sonic boom into your system to send a shockwave that will shatter whatever’s clogging up your column. This is a sound-based technology that employs resonance, much like an ultrasound or magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). 

Does it matter what type of sound you use to unclog the plumbing? Do you have any Korean pop bands or local novelty songs? I find that they are particularly effective in flushing out my colon. 

When you break up whatever’s clogging your colon, only then can you start unclogging and flushing out from the other areas of the body like the liver, the gall bladder, the bile ducts, the kidneys and the lungs.

So everything should start where everything should end up. How poetic. 

Yes, it all starts with your bowels. If you don’t start clearing up down there, then no matter what you flush inside the body, it will still accumulate in the intestines. In effect, you are poisoning your own blood. When this happens, your blood will turn septic and it will make your blood acidic.

Sigh. And I always thought that acidic blood was a good thing. At least that’s what I learned from watching all those Alien movies. Hollywood, you continue to perpetuate lies! 

Let’s Get It On

For all the barely surviving DOMs and the ever-hopeful NGSBs whose blood has not yet thickened to the consistency of taho, what are the natural aphrodisiacs that will work on them? 

One of the best ways to approach aphrodisiacs from a naturopathic point of view is what I call “natural Viagra.” “Natural Viagra” is a mixture of gingko biloba, pantothenic acid (Vitamin B5) and choline. Gingko biloba thins your blood to improve your circulation. Unless you have good circulation, then nitric oxide will not enter your “best friend,” and you will not be able to stand at attention. Secondarily, gingko also works on your libido. Meanwhile, pantothenic acid is for your adrenal glands. And choline, incidentally, is given to children so that their brains can develop faster.

And how about the other “natural aphrodisiacs” that we see heavily advertised? Like Tongkat Ali, the worst-kept secret of Giselle Sanchez’s domestic bliss? 

Well, Tongkat Ali is a stimulator for testosterone. As for products like ginseng, ginseng just makes your blood hot.

Hmmm, I could probably do without ginseng. I’m hot enough as it is.

(Please forgive my husband. He has got some major unclogging to do — RJ’s wife)

But if you want a “natural aphrodisiac” that works like Viagra, but without the heart attack, then I recommend Blue Tiger.

(Legion of DOMs: Then don’t keep us in suspense! Our life support systems won’t hold out for much longer!)

Blue Tiger is a bunch of Chinese plants that make you very amorous. It has ingredients like Panax ginseng, Siberian ginseng, yohimbe, macaberries and other different berries and weeds that induce amorous behavior. 

(A word of warning from my father confessor during this season of Lent: These natural aphrodisiacs are to be taken only within the context of a solemnized union. Do not attempt to ingest any of these products, unless you want some of your strategically located body parts to turn as blue as that tiger. Thank you for your kind cooperation. Father, do I still have to flagellate myself during Holy Week?)

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