D'essence of love

The Arabs had their camel humps. The Ancient Romans had their hippopotamus snouts. And the Aztecs had their rabbit parts. But nothing says I love you like a deer penis.

Because — according to the Chinese — deer genitals are one of the most potent forms of aphrodisiacs. And, hey, a billion Chinese can’t be wrong. Much to the dismay of a billion male deer.

We talk to one of the most feared nemesis of deer nationwide: Dr. Philip Tan-Gatue, a licensed University of the Philippines-trained medical doctor, a certified Nanjing University of Traditional Chinese Medicine-trained medical acupuncturist, and the president of the Philippine chapter of the Mazinger Z fan club. In the world of Dr. Tan-Gatue, everything can be learned from watching pop culture: the medical profession from House, humor from Frasier, sexuality from Ranma… and anatomy from Mazinger Z (where else?).

After boy-crushing on Aphrodite most of this 33-year pre-pubescence, Dr. Tan-Gatue (also known by his alter go “Tangerine Ranger 5 3/4”) shares with my female readers the aphrodisiac secrets of Chinese medicine (but the secrets of Aphrodite A’s cup size are his and his alone). 

BALD TEENAGERS

Philippine Star: So doc, will preserved deer genitals make my wife the happiest woman in this plane of existence? Or will it just make me grow antlers?

Tangerine Ranger 5: Let me clarify several things about food that also acts as “aphrodisiac.” In Oriental medicine, there is what you call the “essence” of your life or jing. A lot of the food that I recommend to strengthen sexual performance (or fertility) also strengthens the jing. You get this jing partly from your “essence,” and partly from the food that you eat. Chi, on the other hand, is your energy. Meanwhile, blood is the nourishing, material aspect of the chi. If you have a chi deficiency, then you can fix this with moxibustion (known locally as ventosa – RJ’s note) or with some herbs. If you have a blood deficiency, you can consume certain vegetables or meat that can strengthen the blood. But if you have a jing deficiency, that’s harder to fix. It’s harder to build up jing, so the best thing to do is conserve it.

So what is the number one thing to do to make sure that you can make love until you grow old? Have a lifetime supply of Viagra? 

By not using too much of your jing. If you watched the movie Sex and Zen, one of the characters in the movie had too much intercourse that he became prematurely debilitated like an old man.

Was this the character with that permanent grin etched onto his toothless face?

Before you even think about aphrodisiacs, first things first: Don’t overdo it. Some lucky people can have intercourse once or twice a day and not feel any ill effects. But the moment that your hair starts thinning, you have lower backaches and you hear a buzzing in your ear? That probably means you are, cough cough, losing too much “genetic material.” If you know what I mean.

I’m sorry, can you say that again? Damn bees in the ear.

When a patient comes to me with thinning hair, I think one of three things: He is a doctor, because he is not sleeping at all. Second, he is a call center agent, because he is not sleeping at the right time. Or else, he is “expending” too much of himself.

I’m surprised you don’t get many bald 16-year-old boys.  

However, these types of effects are more of a danger for men than for women.

I never realized how dangerous thinning hair could be.

This is because, when women engage in intercourse, they do not expend anything material. But when men engage in intercourse, they release “genetic material.” When that happens, the body strains to remake the material. Every time the body manufactures more “genetic material,” you lose some of your jing. If you lose too much jing, you can’t perform anymore.

Wow. Not even an encore?

This is the danger of the people taking too much yang herbs like ginseng. The yang emphasizes movement, so the yang makes it “stand up” more easily. Because “ginseng” in Chinese medicine is the equivalent of fire, it increases your sexual desire. In the short-term, it may be a sexual tonic. However, in the long-term, it can consume your “essence.”

And like the Little Prince said, what is essential is invisible to the eye. Unless you accidentally get some of that essence in your eye.

I would rather that you boost your “essence” because it is more long-term. So I recommend sea cucumbers for that. 

I don’t know about that, doc. I’m not even sure how to use the deer penis on myself as an aphrodisiac. What more a sea cucumber?

You can also eat a lot of seeds and fruits. Why? Because those are the reproductive parts of plants.

Those pakwan (watermelon) seeds will never go to waste again.

Remember: The key in Chinese medicine is to conserve your “essence.” Think about it this way: You may buy the new S series Mercedes-Benz, but you don’t use it every day. You save it for special occasions. You maintain it and you prolong its life. The same principle follows with your body.

So how often should you take your car for a spin around the block? Once every full moon? Once every year? Once every presidential election?

It varies from person to person. There happens to be the rare cases of some lucky individuals who can expend themselves the whole day. But, in general, Chinese doctors have a guideline from a medieval Chinese text called “Writings of a Simple Girl.” Very deceptive title, isn’t it?

That is definitely not a bedtime story. But then again, it could be.

The point of the text is to conserve your “essence.” As a general rule, in your 20s, you can lose your “essence” four to five a week. In your 30s, you should go down to two or three times a week. But by the time that you reach your 40s or 50s, you should be down to once or twice a week. Or else you will be consuming your reserves.

So what explains the existence of dirty old men (DOMs)?

They’re just lucky bas&^*$s. 

I’m Going Up, Getting Down

Having gotten all that jing out of the way, let me ask you: As an oriental medicine doctor, does that necessarily mean that you specialize in all things exotic, including aphrodisiacs? Or are you just a horny doctor? 

Let’s put it this way. Number one: I am married, that makes me an expert on part of it.

That’s the part that counts, I guess. 

Number two: I’ve been to China. And for a society that is relatively conservative, you’d be surprised. I’ve been to their sex shops.

That explains the billions of Chinese.

Number three: I actually bother to read on the damn stuff. 

I am glad to see that your extensive collection of Chinese porn magazines is finally put to good use.

When you study Oriental medicine, you don’t study (aphrodisiacs) as a specialty, but when you study anatomy and physiology, it’s part of the package.  

That your patients go to you when they need help with their package. I see.

So even if you’re not properly trained to specialize in it, you have to study it because it is part of the general practice of acupuncture. And the Chinese also have a reputation for being an expert with herbs. Unfortunately, and I get this all the time, there are so many cases of fake products marketed as a Chinese herbs in the country.

Wow, a fake made in China product. What are the odds?

I need to be educated on these things so when the patients consult me about these things, I know how to properly answer them. The problem is, when patients ask for aphrodisiacs, most of them don’t think long-term. They just want to get it standing up and going without thinking about their overall health. 

What were those people thinking!?

But the objective of Chinese medicine is how to balance your overall health.

That being the case, how does a Western medical doctor look at aphrodisiacs and how does an Oriental medical doctor look at aphrodisiacs? Billions of deer demand to know.

Let me make an analogy: A Western medical doctor — of which I am as well — always looks at things from the trees while the Oriental doctor ideally looks at things from the whole forest. So Chinese medicine looks at the concept of aphrodisiacs from a holistic perspective. Why is it not standing up in the first place? Why is there no desire?

Maybe because the man felt insecure when he saw the deer penis?

In Western medicine, what they do is get it to stand up and that’s it.

Well, many of these patients would like to get to the point.

Meanwhile, Chinese medicine may recommend — depending on the diagnosis — that getting it to stand up might not be a good idea. 

(The D.O.M.s reading this column: Let us be the judge of that.)

And, most importantly, Chinese medicine distinguishes between aphrodisiacs for men and aphrodisiacs for women. So what may work for a man may not necessarily work for a woman. 

So deer genitalia is not an equal opportunity aphrodisiac. Uhm, doc, can you excuse me a bit? I have the unfortunate task of informing some of my female readers that deer genitalia may not be effective on them. Whether they like it or not.

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You can get in touch with Dr. Tan-Gatue at his website www.tan-gatue.net

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