To baldly go where no man has gone before

There are many things we must brace for in the coming years. Mutated strains of AH1N1. Climate change. The Apocalypse. And receding hairlines. 

Cognizant of these potential catastrophes, the most pressing question we must ask ourselves is: How can we stop the Apocalypse so that we never get to our receding hairlines?

To help me read the signs of the apocalypse, I pleaded for the assistance of a hair reader slash doomsayer slash dermatologist who specializes in hair, Dr. Jun Bormate.

As Plain As The No Hair On Your Head

PHILIPPINE STAR: For the sake of DOMs who don’t have much time left, let us get straight to the point: What is the cause of baldness? Karmic retribution? The wrath of God? Our parents? Quick, I need somebody to blame.

DR. JUN BORMATE: Naku, it’s hard to blame our parents.

But why!? That’s always worked for those of us who fail to take responsibility for our actions.

There are different types of baldness, but I think what you are referring to is the common baldness.

I didn’t realize that the wrath of God came in many variations. 

This is called male pattern hair loss (MPHL). In MPHL, two things come into play: First, is your family — your genes. You have to have the genetic susceptibility to manifest that baldness.

It’s in my genes!? So do you mean the only way out is to pray for ancestral healing or to travel back in time and ask my dad to find a wife whose dad has a full head of hair?

As far as you are concerned, there is nothing much that you can do (for your hair). But as far as your friends are concerned, you can probably ask them to marry somebody who doesn’t have that family history of male pattern hair loss. But I don’t think that would be an important consideration to look for a mate.

I don’t think the bald men of the 25th century will agree with you, doc.

The other factor for MPHL is your androgens — your male hormones. You see, the hairs that are most susceptible to baldness are those at the top of your scalp and your headline.

You needn’t stress the point.

These are susceptible to the effects of the androgens. The androgens don’t have to be of an abnormally high amount (to cause MPHL). In fact, they can just be a normal amount. But even with the normal amount of androgens — since they have been programmed to respond in a certain way because of your genes — it manifests as male pattern hair loss and the thinning of the hair on your scalp.

Can’t the powers that be just upgrade my operating system? I also need to fix up my seven-inch-long chest hairs and my irritable bladder. 

MPHL is an interplay between your genes and your androgens. For example, if you have a family history of MPHL but that person happens to be a eunuch, then baldness would not manifest. On the other hand, for people who have normal androgens but who have that gene for baldness, then it will manifest as male pattern hair loss.

Wait, so you’re saying that I can have a full head of hair but I have to be a eunuch? I didn’t realize that a full head of hair came at such a price. Oh well, I can always venerate my pickled jewels at the family altar.

Well, you can be a lucky man: even if you have the gene of MPHL, you can still have your hair because the severity of hair loss can vary. Some people can start losing their hair as early as their teens, while others start losing their hair in their forties. In some cases, the hair loss is mild, while there are others who don’t even manifest it at all. The manifestation can also be different among siblings. Some of them manifest acute baldness, some of them barely manifest and some manifest nothing at all. But the gene for MPHL is still there.

I pray that manifest destiny never comes.  

It’s Gonna Be Hairy

Surely there must be some evolutionary prerogative for some men to go bald and for some men to be cursed with a full head of hair? Why do we go bald? Is it so that we can rent out their foreheads for advertising space? Is it because we are really a race of supermen hidden in your midst? Is it because we can use our heads as homing beacons for women who have reached the age of maturity? Give us a reason to live, doc.

Evolutionary reason? Well, hair was supposed to be protective. Among our ancestors, hair was supposed to keep us warm. But since we adapted as humans, we lost a lot the thick hair on the body. Don’t ask me why, though, we were able to retain the hair on our scalp.

Bitinin mo ba ako, doc? Ganyan? (Are you going to leave me hanging? Is that it?)

Surprisingly, as far as race is concerned, the observation is that male pattern hair loss is more common among Caucasians. 

So there are other things that white men can’t do aside from jump.

When it comes to be male pattern hair loss, being an Asian is a positive thing because hair loss is not that prevalent.

Damn, it’s at times like this I wish I wasn’t mestizo.

But I think that if ever you, RJ, would manifest your baldness — are you in your mid-twenties?

I am in the movie in my mind.

Then it would be more of a concern for you if your hair started to thin out when you were still a teenager.

Whew. I always thought you go bald as a teenager for other reasons. Well, either bald or blind. 

Because hair loss is progressive. If your MPHL starts out very early, then you can imagine losing more hair by the time that you reach 45.

You always lose more when things come prematurely.

Compared to somebody who loses his hair at the age of 35. Then I wouldn’t be as aggressive if the patient comes to me at that age compared to somebody who is a lot younger, like 18.

We wouldn’t have had these kind of problems if we remained Neanderthals.

The Bald Truth

(After taking a swig of whiskey, praying the luminous mysteries of the rosary, and preparing fresh underwear, I braved myself for the next question.)

Doc, can you take a look at my scalp. I will let you run your fingers thorough my hair. 

Am I allowed to pull at your hair (laughs)?

Maybe after dinner and a movie.

(I crossed myself as the doctor parted my hair in several different places. What would he find hidden amidst my thick, wavy locks? Oil deposits? An alien civilization? The number 666?)

Do you — cough, cough — have a history of baldness in your family?

The wrath of God is — cough, cough — evident in my dad’s side of the family. If you sit all of my dad’s siblings and my cousins together in a room, you can use our heads as an IMAX screen. The wrath of God spared my mom’s family. But we were all cursed with — cough, cough — monstrously large appendages. Since I am in my mid-30s, could this possibly mean that the wrath of God will be my future son’s problem (God help him)? Although there have been unconfirmed reports from my yaya that my hair could be thinning.

Do you notice that?

I refuse to look at my scalp for political reasons.

From this distance, I can see a bit of your scalp.

What are you using? A high-powered telescope?

So you might be thinning a little.

Thinning a little!? A little!? But I’m only 35! Does this mean that I have to go on a high-fat diet?

But you still have a lot of hair, so don’t worry about it. It won’t really progress much from the age of 35.

I always thought that progress was for the better!

Let me take a closer look at your scalp, though. 

Haven’t you done enough damage, doc?

(The doctor sifted his fingers gingerly through my scalp. But when his exploration breached the center of my scalp, he abruptly pulled back his fingers. I almost thought I could hear him cringe.)

I wish I could show you what I see. There are tiny, thin hairs. And there are… a lot of them.

Are you sure you are looking at the correct head, doc?

I think you do have a manifestation of it.

(The theme song from the movie Jaws played in the background.)

A manifestation of what, doc? Evil spirits?

Of Male Pattern Hair Loss.

(And the earth moved, the sky darkened, and the seas turned red.) 

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Is it okay if I pull (the hair strands)?

Why don’t you cut my heart out while you’re at it, doc?

Hmm, it’s not painless, but it’s not painful, either (the hair strands, not the heart).

But it’s painful inside (choking back tears). 

You’re okay lang. But you do have what I didn’t want to see. You have what we call miniaturized hairs. These are a manifestation of the male pattern hair loss. 

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Normally the hair on your scalp would be, for example, this long and this thick.

(The good doctor took out a pen, and on a paper napkin graphically represented the end of my — hair — days.)

Our hair goes through different cycles. It goes on a growth phase for about two to six years, then it rests for three months, it sheds off, and then it is replaced. Let’s say you have normal hair (the doctor drew a longish strand of hair that leaned to its side on the napkin). If you have the gene for MPHL like I am seeing right now…

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

It will be replaced by something like this (to the right of the longish strand of hair, the doctor drew a shorter hair strand) then this (and a shorter strand to the right of that), then this (an even shorter strand) then this one (an even shorter, shorter strand) until it resembles a balahibong pusa (cat hairs). 

I get the picture!

You don’t necessarily lose your hair follicle. You still have it. But your normal thick hair will be gradually replaced by hair that is thinner and shorter so it will no longer cover your scalp. Just imagine your thick hair being replaced by balahibo (fine body hair). This is what we call “miniaturization” and this is what happens in MPHL. It manifests as thinning and we can see the scalp more.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

That is what we try to arrest when we treat MPHL.

Then what are we waiting for!? Do we need the government to declare a state of emergency!? Let’s arrest them now!

We try to stop or at least re-grow the hair a little bit more so that it becomes a bit thicker.

Couldn’t my MPHL have waited until after the Apocalypse? It’s just three years away. I don’t know if I can go on with this interview, doc. This is too much for a 35-year-old man in denial to take. Maybe we can find a way to make the shrunken hair less obvious? Maybe we can go to the Amazon to find a witch doctor and have him shrink my head until it is of the correct proportion to my shrunken hair? Maybe then no one will notice the difference. It is either I do that or I distract people with my monstrously large appendage.

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