Potty mouth

Stand-up comedian Tim Tayag and I once shared a Jacuzzi together in Victoria Court.But we weren’t alone. Sandwiched between our half-naked, well-sculpted and chest-hairy bodies was a relative of a retired military office known for his escapades into military adventurism. Or, at least, that was what she purported to be as she went by the name Kuhdet Hunasan (really).

However, this is a story Tim and I would rather not get into after signing the confidentiality disclosure agreements that were prerequisites to securing our marriage licenses. Suffice it to say, there are many things that we did on our critically-appraised (the MTRCB was very critical of us) cult hit (some of those cults are still hunting for us) program on Studio 23, The Men’s Room, that have prevented us from participating in family reunions over the past several years.

We didn’t know any better at the time. We were both single, ignorant and did things for Art’s sake (Art promised us a seven-picture movie deal and an underwear endorsement. Damn you, Art!). My, how things have changed. Now we are both now happily married (not to each other, though). But we still do get the occasional calls from Art for a nude painting session. 

Tim and I often get asked (okay, okay, we like to ask each other) how we managed to marry such drop-dead gorgeous wives without the benefit of pity, gayuma or neuro-linguistic programming.

Since you’ve eliminated all my other options, the only answer I can go with is a sense of humor. 

And when it comes to a sense of humor, Tim is king of the comedy cult. During his heathen bachelorhood days Tim used to crack jokes at the comedy clubs that would make women of all configurations, estrogen levels and extra organs laugh until they choked on their own spittle. And this was before he opened his mouth. 

Today, Tim passes on his esoteric knowledge to the Big-Time Bigo sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP) reading this column on how to mobilize your sense of humor in attracting women. Fret not, my BTBP friends, you can finally give your asymmetrical forearms a well-deserved respite.

The Beginning Of The End

RJ LEDESMA: I understand that you gave up a lucrative career as a pole dancer and become a full-time stand-up comedian. Here’s five pesos, tell me a joke.

TIM TAYAG (turning up his nose): The stand-up that I do is not really about telling jokes. They’re not like joke book jokes that start off with “Two guys walk into a bar…” The stand-up comedy I do is about telling you stories from my point of view, but it is a story that everybody can relate to. Basically, I think jokes are stories that everyone can relate to where you need to point out the absurdity of what you are saying.

Well, that was five of my hard-earned pesos down the drain. So, were you already this good-looking (cough, cough) even before you developed a sense of humor?

To tell you the truth, I was an ugly kid. You know how people go up to your parents and say, “Anak mo ba yan (Is that your child)? He is so cute!” When I was a kid, people would go up to my mom and say, “Is this kid bothering you?”

Thank God then for advancements in reconstructive surgery.

But seriously, when I was young, I was dark, I was scrawny, I had big ears and I had genitals that were as large as those of a horse’s. 

How small do they breed the horses where you come from? 

I started discovering the power of humor around high school, which is about the same time that I lost my virginity.

I thought you would keep your homeroom teacher out of this conversation.

What I don’t know though is if I was good-looking first then the sense of humor came after or if the sense of humor made me more attractive.

I think your sense of humor has also given you an overdeveloped cranium. When did you realize that you had the ability to make people laugh for a living? And not merely because of your appearance?

I was living in the States and working for a consulting company when one day I just asked myself “What’s my purpose? I can’t sing and I don’t have any real talent. Well, aside from being endowed like a horse…”

That goes without saying.

I couldn’t have a career in pornography because my parents wouldn’t approve. So I took stock of my other talents. And I noticed that wherever I would go and whomever I would talk to, I could find a commonality between us and I would find a joke in that.

Like a good laugh about your horse parts.

So I thought maybe that is my talent! I can relate to people and I can make people laugh! That’s when I decided to try stand-up. The first time I performed onstage was back in 1996 in States. It was in a café with a huge audience of four people. Three of them were my friends and the fourth was another comedian waiting his turn. When I got on stage, I thought I killed that night. But after reviewing the tape of my stand-up routine 10 years later, I realized that I was actually bombing.

I didn’t realize that there was a lot of terroristic activity in the stand-up comedy profession. This elusive sense of humor you possess, is it an innate skill or do you practice? Is it a demon that you need to sacrifice several hundred virgin cows to every full moon?

I knew this guy who started doing with stand-up comedy with me who really, really sucked. And I’m not talking about you, RJ. He kept on doing the same jokes over and over again.

Like running jokes about yayas, Dirty Old Men (DOMs), No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) and genitals? Yeah, those guys suck. Can’t those losers come up with new material?

At that point, I thought you were either born with a sense of humor or you just sucked. But after two years, this guy started getting gigs in the comedy clubs. So I think that there is a part of humor that is innate and another part is skill. The more you tell jokes or you write jokes, the sharper you will get at it. Eventually, you will develop a sixth sense for knowing what’s going to work and what’s not going to work. And this sense gets better over time.

Or you can just stick to jokes about having a yaya at 35. That always gets you a mercy laugh.

Mag-Exercise Tayo Tuwing Umaga

What type of exercises can one do to improve a sense of humor and become more attractive to women without being subjected to bodily harm, psychological trauma or threat of lawsuit?

One of the best humor skills that will make you likeable, but not necessarily more attractive—

I’m sure you would be an expert at that. 

While talking to a girl, look for that “inside joke” during a conversation. Let’s say she talks about her day and she describes what she was doing while driving her car. While talking about driving her car, she casually makes a motion with her both of her hands as if she is holding on to her steering wheel. Now, remember that motion. Later on in the conversation, when she asks about your day, you can say “I was driving” then repeat that motion of driving a car. She will recognize that you are mimicking her and now you have found a commonality.

So she will think, “Oh, he’s so likeable because he is copying me. But he’s not attractive because he’s making fun of me. He’s such a likeable a#$^&*(!”   

That’s right. Now you both share an “inside joke” and an intimacy is created because of that “moment.” You’ve become more memorable to her and you’ve also you’ve also made her feel more comfortable around you. However, do not make fun or her to the point that you become condescending.

For the DOMs reading this column who are cognitively bereft of the concept of condescension, can you please explain how that works?

Like when you take the girl home at the end of the date. Then before she leaves your car, you wink at her, use your lips to point towards her apartment, then crack this joke: “So, how much?”

(IMAGINARY GARY LISING: I didn’t get that joke.)  

Also, don’t try to be too funny with her all the time. That can get to be pretty annoying.

Really, I didn’t think that was possible (It’s possible. — RJ’s three alienated female readers and, quite possibly, his desk editor Scott Garceau).

You can also be too offensive with your jokes if you’re not too close to the girl yet. For example, you might lace your conversation with too much sexual innuendo.

Really, like what? “Would you like to see the part of my body that led to a guest appearance on Pinoy Records?”

Like asking her, “Hey, you wanna (bleep bleep bleep)?” That’s a bit too much. (Laughs)

(IMAGINARY GARY LISING: I still didn’t get that joke.)  

It’s kind of hard to say where to draw the line when you want to be funny with a girl. It’s different with each girl. But unless you are an emotional brick wall, I think you can get a sense when the girl is still comfortable, so it’s up to your own judgment.

It’s either you use your judgment or she uses her Taser. 

Don’t be fooled either by women’s piss-poor excuses of why they can’t go out with you. They’ll say anything like “I have a headache” or “I’m your cousin.” Don’t let that stop you.

Don’t let the prospect of having cross-eyed, club-toed offspring stop you from getting a date. Got it.

Another way to use humor is to defuse tension or to use it as an icebreaker. For example, when you run out of things before a date ends, you can say “Do you want to go with me to Victoria Court?” If the woman slaps you, then you say—

“Because I have a discount card?”

You say, “Hey, wait a minute! I wanted to take you to Victoria Court because they have good crispy pata!” So you turn it into a joke while at the same time engage in some witty repartee.

I didn’t know that Victoria Court served crispy pata. 

And when the woman thinks that you don’t feel too bad that she turned you down, she might feel sorry for you. Then — wouldn’t you know it — you become a tad bit more attractive. You lose that smell of desperation because you are able to joke about the situation.

As opposed to the smells that you usually emit.

Since it’s no big deal that you won’t go out with her, you suddenly turn into “Mr. Mysterious.” She’s thinking, “He’s okay with me turning him down?” Then she starts to think about her own self-worth: “Maybe he didn’t really like me… Why didn’t he get offended? Maybe he didn’t really want to take me to Victoria Court! Now I’m offended!” And when she realizes this, the ball is in your court. 

And with that, an NGSB is one step closer to finding out if they really do have good crispy pata in Victoria Court.

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful

Was there any downside to developing a sense of humor?

Honestly? A lot more guys hated me. They all wanted to be me: the funny guy who gets his unfair share of women. It’s hard to be a funny, attractive guy. All your guy friends end up playing second fiddle to you. It always sucks to be a sidekick. I’m sure you can relate.

I think your sense of humor is starting to make me hate you as well. Finally — to make this five-peso interview worth it — does a man’s sense of humor truly increase his sex appeal?

Yes, it will. As long as you have money.

Thank you, Tim. You are an inspiration to our lawmakers to craft better sexual harassment laws.

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For comments, suggestions or naked photos of Tim Tayag, text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers or email ledesma.rj@gmail.com. Or visit www.rjledesma.net or follow me on www.twitter.com/rjled. Catch Tim (www.timtayag.com) every Monday night 8:30 p.m. at Spicy Fingers in Greenbelt 2.

Mark it on your calendars! The launch of my new humor compilation, I Do or I Die! RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Getting Married and Other Man-made Disasters (As Told to him by his Yaya) will be on Thursday, Oct. 22 at National Bookstore in Glorietta 5!