52 PICK-UP

Juch like professional boxers, pick-up artists (PUAs) spend years in intense training — getting intensely kneed in the groin, ducking waywardly thrown stiletto heels and building up an immunity to hydrochloric acid being thrown in the face.

This is the second part of our interview with three PUAs who have learned to take embarrassment, rejection and lawsuits in stride: X, Smooth and Charlatan of AttraXion Arts. Contrary to what my three female readers might think, it’s not easy being a PUA: you have to pick up a specified quota of women per month or else your license will be revoked and you will be demoted instead to picking up blow-up dolls and avatars.

License & Registration, Please

PHILIPPINE STAR: Let me get this straight — you guys are known as certified pick-up artists? Is it a profession you can proudly write down on a bank application to secure a salary loan? And does the Professional Regulatory Commission (PRC) know about this?

SMOOTH: I don’t have to say that I’m certified, but they do call me certified.

I’m sure they do.

Being a PUA is a full-time thing. I even left the US military to become a PUA.

The wars they could have won.

CHARLATAN: Sometimes if you tell a girl that you are a PUA, your value increases.

Your value? Like your value on a “most wanted” poster?

And women dig men with higher values.

I better give these women some shovels.

SMOOTH: Women are designed to be attracted to men with higher values. The number one switch that attracts women is that a guy has been pre-selected by other women. If you’ve got more girls “attached” to you, the more they will be attracted to you. 

So next time a No Girlfriend Since Birth (NGSB) hits the bars, he should bring his yaya and her friends along with him.

What we teach as PUAs is to bring out the best of what they are. If you ask other girls how they want men to be around them, they say, “Just be yourself.” The girls don’t want that. The girls want the men to be the best of themselves. That’s what they want.

CHARLATAN: Your best self. Putting your best food forward.

Aside from any other appendage, I would assume.

SMOOTH: Being a PUA is in your heart. Kung tutuusin, PUA ka rin e. (If you think about it, you are also a PUA.) (Smooth points at RJ)

(RJ’s note to his drop-dead gorgeous wife and mother of his adorable five-month-old daughter: I have never met this man in my life before this interview. Anything he claims about me is hearsay. Please, love, don’t take out the rusty pliers again.) 

Everybody is a PUA. They just do what they can to meet girls and they can call themselves PUAs. Pero, iba yung PUA na magaling sa PUA na kung sinu-sino. (But there is a difference between a great PUA and a so-so PUA.)

And that’s why they call you “Smooth.” How has being a PUA improved your life aside from being forced to have costly reconstructive surgery?

X: When you’re a PUA, you’re mastering ultimate social dynamics. So when I became a PUA, I became more socially aware. My social intuition increased exponentially.

I am glad that something increased exponentially for you.

We PUAs even stay away from drugs and other vices, except maybe for women.

I see how women can be harmful for your health once they find out you’re trying to pick them up.

SMOOTH: I even tell my clients and students: Don’t drink when you do PUA. Or don’t drink enough to get drunk. Or else you will become negative and it will go to your head. We want PUAs to be positive because girls want positive guys. Every woman has an attraction switch. All women have the same type of attraction switches. And there are 312 attraction switches. A good PUA knows very well how to trigger these switches. 

My three female readers are also keeping their fingers ready on some triggers if you try to touch any of their switches. 

CHARLATAN: Being a PUA is not only for meeting women…

But for taming wild horses as well?

If you know how a woman thinks, you will know how to deal with them.

Are you proud to be a PUA the same way that a congressman is proud to have signed House Bill 1109?

Sometimes, it’s part of my game plan. I tell the girl that I’m a PUA — I’m the man who your parents warned you about. I am so much of a bad guy for them. It’s the concept of good guy versus jerks. Masgusto ng babae yung ganoon e. (That’s what the women like.)

And just to be clearer than the Chief Executive about running for congress, women want what type of guys?

The jerks.

I think that’s the strategy some game show hosts employ in meeting women, too.

SMOOTH: I actually tell women that I am a professional PUA and that I’ve dated hundreds of women. So maybe you don’t want to talk to me right now. But the thing is — they still like me. 

So do you tell this to the woman before or after you’ve been brought up on charges?

Interest-Bearing Investment

Without the benefit of hallucinogenic drugs, how do you get women to be interested in you?

SMOOTH: You need to be interesting. You’ve got to have a vibe and energy. It doesn’t really matter what we say, but how we say it.

Like how you say, “Don’t hit me there again, ma’am”?

According to Mystery (a highly-regarded PUA who is one of the main personalities in The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists by Neil Strauss), if you say one interesting thing, the woman will say “That’s interesting.” But if you say 10 interesting things in a row, the woman will say “You are interesting.” It’s not the material that gets the attention, it’s the person using it.

No wonder all those stand-up comedians get all the girls. Damn you Vic Sotto, Michael V and Chokleit.

I’m very structured when I approach a woman — from creating attraction to building comfort. If you trigger attraction and comfort, then the seduction becomes mutual. 

CHARLATAN: My “game plan” with women is similar to “speed seduction” which involves tapping their subconscious. It’s a form of neuro-linguistic programming or hypnosis. That’s my attack.

I didn’t realize you were a deadly weapon.

X: I use the “natural” game. In this game, you have to work on yourself first then you become naturally attractive. Women will become naturally attracted to you.

Nature can be so cruel. How exactly do you practice your skills? Do you try it out first with your officemates? Your siblings? Your yayas?

CHARLATAN: By being out in the field. There’s two kinds of game. The first is the day game, which is done in coffee shops or malls where approaching women is more indirect.

Starbucks, Coffee Bean and Seattle’s Best security guards, consider yourselves warned. 

And then there’s the “club” game. Since women in a club are there to socialize, they are easier to approach.

What are the places that PUAs find it easy to operate in? Gyms? Fast-food counters? Women’s restrooms?

SMOOTH: A good PUA can operate anywhere. It really depends on how you deliver the approach. In a mall it could be, “Hi, I’ve been looking for this place, can you recommend me a place like this?” or in a club it could be “Hey, what kind of music is that?”

Or in a jail cell, “Hey, what are in for?” How do PUAs deal with rejection, aside from physical therapy?

The first time you approach a girl, of course you will be rejected. But rejection is a detour to success. Eventually you will also understand the concept of “the game.”

CHARLATAN: Actually, when we get rejected, it amuses us because we realize that we’re human, too. 

You and the Dalai Lama should join a support group.

SMOOTH: We have a structure to deal with rejection. We flip the attraction switches by re-framing the situation. For example, if a woman tells us to “$%^& off” I say “Don’t do that! I can tell that deep inside you are a good person. What’s your name?”

X: Or you can also say, “That’s a good answer, can I use that answer to reject other girls?”

I know several congressmen who want to sign up during your next seduction boot camp.

Or sometimes a woman who wants you to go away will say “I have a boyfriend.” You can reply with “I have a hamster.” So she’ll ask, “Why’d you say that?” You say, “Because you told me you had a boyfriend, so you’re talking about your prized possession. So let me talk about my prized possession. I have a BMW, too. Now, let’s forget about our prized possessions and focus on each other for the moment.”

Logic professors are still trying to appreciate the depth of that repartee. What happens if you “accidentally” approach a girl who has a boyfriend?

SMOOTH: We can find out through what we call the “weigh point.” When we approach a woman and the girl is with a guy, we disarm the guy first. We ask, “How do you guys know each other?” If she says they’re just friends, you can say to the girl, “Cool, I’m going to show you something.”

Smooth, on behalf of my three female readers, they would love it if you were permanently assigned to Mindanao for hostage negotiations.

CHARLATAN: Or sometimes s**t happens. I was doing pick-up on a girl, and her boyfriend arrived and he said, “Hey, you’re hitting on my girlfriend.” I pulled the guy aside and said, “Dude, if I were you, I’d hit on her as well, because your girlfriend is really hot. Come on, let me buy you a drink.”

Charlatan, would you mind pulling down your pants? I just want to know what your testicles are made of.

Medals of Valor

After seeing all three pairs of your testicles will survive a nuclear war, what is the most daring pick-up that you’ve ever performed?

SMOOTH: I tried picking up (name withheld at interviewee’s request). But there were so many guys around her. So I tried to disarm the models and actors around her and finally I got to talk to her. But while I was talking to her, there were always people pulling her aside. So I would have to find a way to start all over again.

What a loss for local showbiz.

CHARLATAN: When I guested as a mind reader for a local TV show, I played the game on the show’s host. And we were there in the dressing room, she wanted to make out with me. Unfortunately, we were about to go on air. So we opted to do it on another day.

And who was the girl?

(Name withheld at interviewee’s request)

Ngek. You better watch out. You know, her mom could tear you apart with her vocabulary alone. 

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING

Aren’t you worried about karma when you do all this PUA work? Or at least karma’s seven-foot-tall, 350-pound older brother who will make you pick up your teeth from the floor?

SMOOTH: There’s nothing wrong with what we do. In fact, the girls should be thanking us. You know why? Our first goal is their smile. Isn’t it difficult to get a girl who is so masungit to smile? We don’t make them bastos like those other drunk-assed people. 

CHARLATAN: I believe we leave the women better off after we approach them.

Better than a kick in the teeth. Is there a way for a woman to tell that she is being picked up? And, more importantly, can she protect herself from being picked up? Like with an agimat or tawas or some mace?

X: Many women know that they are being picked up, but they allow themselves to be picked up. Because that’s the nature of women. When women know they’re being picked up, they already put up their “bitch shield.” One time, I tried my “Raissa opener.” I approached a woman and said “Hey, Raissa, it’s me, X!” but I didn’t really know her. She asked me “Is that a pick-up line?” I didn’t have a comeback, so I left. When I tried that out the exact same line the next time around, I told her, “You know what? That’s not a pick-up line. But if it is, so what?”

Whaapaaak!!! Don’t you guys want to exercise a certain degree of anonymity instead of posting your exploits on the Internet? Aren’t you worried once the NBI or the PRC or Gabriela get hold of your pictures?

X: In the end, women will be women and men will be men. In the natural course of things, women were born to mate with men. So even if they find out that we are PUAs, their biological imperative will not change. They will still be attracted to us no matter who we are as long as you hit the right attraction switch. Some women already know that a certain guy is a player, yet women still mate with that guy. Isn’t that mind-boggling?

I applaud you guys. This interview alone may serve as an impetus for women to evolve into hermaphrodites.

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For comments, suggestions or a good, stiff drink, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or e-mail ledesma.rj@gmai.com or visit www.rjledesma.net.

Are these pick-up artists for real? You tell me. Visit www.attraxtionarts.com.