Drag me to health

Skinny Bastard

By Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin

Available at National Book Stores

There is a certain type of guy who likes being barked at, pummeled and ridiculed. Sometimes he likes wearing a leather harness while this occurs, overseen by a dominatrix in a room with candles and dim red lighting; other times he prefers to experience this kind of “motivation” in a gym.

Skinny Bastard is kind of a mixture of the two. It’s a diet book written by the same women who gave the world Skinny Bitch, except this time it’s directed at men. It doesn’t mince words, machine-gunning guys about what they must do to lose weight and become healthy. Authors Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin prefer a “shame” approach, the same one the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket employed to get “Private Gomer Pyle” Vincent Dinofrio into soldier shape. And we know how that ended up.

Here’s their pitch on fruit as a “good” carbohydrate:

Fruit. Eat it. We know it’s not exactly seen as “butch,” but fruit is, quite possibly, the most perfect food in existence. High in enzymes, it effortlessly passes through the body, supplying carbohydrates, fiber, vitamins, minerals, fatty acids, amino acids, and cancer-fighting tannins and flavonoids. In other words, it’s really f***ing good for you. So tell your dumb-ass, misinformed friends: YOU CAN EAT FRUIT!

There, now; that didn’t hurt a bit, did it?

The goal of such name-calling is to get guys worked up, get them embarrassed about their couch potato status and get them on a treadmill.

Males who gaze at the back book cover of Skinny Bastard will note that the authors do seem to practice what they preach. They are quite skinny, if you go for that sort of toothpick size. Freedman is described in the blurb as “a self-taught know-it-all with an epic ass. (She’s single.).” Whereas Barnouin is (more modestly) “a former model who holds a Masters of Science degree in Holistic Nutrition.” Guess which one did all the research.

This take-no-prisoners approach to diet has worked on other women, who scoffed up two million copies of Skinny Bitch, making it a New York Times best-seller. Is it tougher to hard-sell fitness to the male gender, which is more predisposed to watching sports on TV than doing Wii aerobics?

Probably. Granted, there are some men who will appreciate any kind of motivation. They’ll enjoy chapter titles with names like “Give It Up” (telling us guys to basically give up caffeine and alcohol, because they’re chemical crutches. Tell me something I don’t know.), “Don’t Be A Pussy” (meant to encourage men not to give up on fitness) or “Sugar is for Candy Asses.” (You get the idea. No more donuts.)

One interesting chapter is titled “No Girls Allowed.” In it, the authors acknowledge that “women are impossible to please; we can nag like nobody’s business,” and that “it’s challenging to not let life (and your wife) get to you.”

If this sounds like Skinny Bastard is playing to the male ego, it is; but only because the authors want guys to “figure out how to become more Zen.” We have to learn not to get so worked up by stress, because it’s popping our hearts like champagne corks. They point out heart disease kills more men than women, and that diabetes is another male-stalking killer. They go on to explain what blood pressure readings really reflect (the first number is surge of pressure in the arteries for every heartbeat; the second shows the pressure between beats) and how to get your numbers right (less salt, naturally). The kicker is the section called “Strap on a Pair,” which, uh, encourages men to raise their testosterone levels by reducing obesity and drug and alcohol intake. It even focuses on the flavor and quality of sperm. Yup. In “Tangy Taste Test,” the foul-mouthed fitness femmes warn us that “Your diet and lifestyle affect the smell and taste of your man juice.”

What would make your sperm smell good? Beer? Coffee? Processed, chemical fake foods? The rotting, decomposing, putrefying carcass of a slaughtered animal? Nasty-ass curdled milk or cheese? Groooooooss!

The authors urge us to change our diets to something more fragrant and (presumably for them) more palatable.

All this locker-room ram-a-jam might be a way to ingratiate the authors in the “men’s world” of coarse language and coarse habits. It sort of works. Though not too many guys I know beyond the age of 13 revel in listing the many terms for “defecation” as these authors do. (“Pinch a loaf. Lay a cable. Drop a deuce. Take a dump.”)

Ultimately, Skinny Bastard attempts a “shock and awe” approach to health by adopting the sometimes crude language of its demographic. (That would be you, there, holding a bag of Cheetos in one hand and channel surfing with the other.) Underneath the swagger, though, there is quite a bit of solid nutritional information. Unlike fad diet books that try to eliminate whole food groups, Skinny Bastard wants men (and women) to instead eat the right kinds of foods: un-processed carbs from yams, sweet potatoes, lentils and brown rice will replace pasta, bagels, white rice, bread and pastries. Bummer, right? The gals also challenge the need for cow’s milk, saying it’s an insufficient source of calcium (unlike broccoli, Brussels sprouts and kale) existing only to support a billion-dollar dairy industry. Plus it’s way fattening. (“You will sh*t yourself when you see how much weight you lose by giving up dairy.”)

Say goodbye to sweets and meat, too. (“If you want to be a Skinny Bastard you have to become a vegetarian.”) Feel the pain yet?

Fortunately, they’ve included alternative menus, a preferred food list for each meal, and stores where you can find ingredients. (Of course, this is a bit useless in the Philippines, where finding health food can be like looking for fat-free lechon.)

They’re abrasive at times; a bit insulting, yes; but ultimately, the gals behind Skinny Bastard don’t want to dominate us males. They’re just here to pump… you up.