Woolly bully

Am I the only one who thinks it would be cool to bring back mammoths?

Ever since a reindeer herder discovered the remains of a baby mammoth in northern Siberia a few years back — and scientists soon after announced it would be possible to clone the thing — I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to work this little factoid into an article.

Now, thanks to National Geographic Channel, my chance has arrived.

The two-hour special, Waking the Baby Mammoth, airs on Sunday, June 21, at 9 p.m. Exploring the uncovering of Lyuba (that’s what scientists named the almost perfectly preserved mammoth carcass) and the possibilities this discovery opens to science, the documentary will probably answer many Jurassic Park-type questions that naturally come to mind, such as:

• When can we own our own pet mammoths and what shots will they require?

• What size poop do they leave behind, and are owners required to “scoop” it during “walkies”?

• If they find a tiny caveman inside Lyuba’s stomach, can they zap its DNA as well?

Seriously, the thought of cloning an animal that died some 40,000 years ago (probably during the last Ice Age) is something scientists should give a lot of thought to. But scientists — who are mostly, though not limited to, male nerds — clearly are more interested in doing, not thinking. Why else would they rig up the Large Hadron Collider to replicate conditions that could cause microscopic black holes (or “strangelets”) here on earth — except for nerd kicks?

Waking the Baby Mammoth follows American paleontologist Dr. Dan Fisher and French mammoth “hunter” Bernard Buigues back to the spot where Lyuba was discovered in May 2007 by a nomadic herder named Yuri Khudi.

After Yuri fails to sell the carcass on e-Bay (just kidding), he contacts a local friend who helps arrange a recovery expedition. The scientists ship Lyuba to Japan’s Jikei University School of Medicine where a 3D computer mapping produces detailed images of her internal organs and structure. (This is probably how they came up with the impressive CGI “recreations” of Lyuba crashing around the tundra. Really, they are freakin’ cute, those mammoths. The sight of Lyuba, sitting up on the examination table like a stuffed F.A.O Schwartz mammoth toy, even led show producer Adrienne Ciuffo to remark, “This baby looks like you could snap your fingers and she would wake up and walk.” And with the magic of CGI, that’s exactly what they did.)  

They pop Lyuba’s body in for a CT scan, which shows that the 90-kilogram baby was in excellent health when she died, with healthy fat tissue and no damage to her skeleton. Did absentminded cavemen simply bury Lyuba in the deep freeze for a late-night snack, and then forget where they had dug the hole? Did Lyuba slip through a crack in the surface while ice skating and end up a huge mammoth popsicle? No, scientists now think the baby calf met her end by drowning or falling into deep mud because of the sediment found on her trunk, in her mouth and trachea.

But the non-scientific conjecturing, even when watching a gripping documentary like National Geo’s Waking the Baby Mammoth, definitely produces more laughs. I couldn’t help thinking of Karl Pilkington — Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais’s round-headed podcast foil — going on about why scientists should bring dinosaurs back to the modern world by zapping their DNA:

Karl Pilkington: When you think about it, there’s a population problem. There’s too many of us. We’re saving people all the time. No one’s allowed to get injured anymore. You’ve got to wear a helmet when you’re on a bike. There’s speed bumps to slow people down. Crosswalks. Cures for illnesses. Not as many people are dying anymore. 

Steve Merchant: So you think they should introduce tyrannosaurus rex into London?

Karl: Wandering around…

Steve: Just have them wandering around, picking people off?

Karl: Just sort of random and that. I mean I’m not wishing anyone I know dies and that, but all I’m saying is, I don’t know anyone who’s died for ages. Whereas if a dinosaur was knocking about, you’d go, ‘Oh, Neil’s gone missing…’

See? Sometimes not all the best notions come from science.

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Check out “Waking the Baby Mammoth” on National Geographic Channel, Sunday, June 21, at 9 p.m. For more information, please visit: http://www.natgeotv.com.