Simply the breast

The Ms. Hooters International Pageant 2009: an artful blend of a Pinoy man’s passions: beauty, bikini and beer drinking.

In this year’s competition to be held this coming June 20 at the Westin Diplomat Hotel in Miami, Florida, there will be over 130 women representing Hooters restaurants from around the United States and other tasteful parts of the world stockpiling peroxide, tanning lotion and silicone to take home the grand prize of US$50,000. However, this year, there will be one woman who will be making that bid for Grandest Hooter of them all while eschewing peroxide, tanning oils and other artificial ingredients.

And that is a woman who is representing Hooters Manila Bay (palakpakan mga No Girflriends Since Birth [NGSB] at DOM).

Grooming our secret weapon for this year’s competition is weapons expert Eric Gutierrez, general director of Hooters Philippines, and a man you would not want to see in a Hooters kamiseta and orange running shorts.

Will our candidate have enough hootenanny to win the bird-brained title? Well, superstition has it that good things come in threes: This year, we’ve had Manny Pacquiao knock the pudding out of Ricky Hatton and we’ve had Brillante Mendoza knock the Royale with Cheese out of Quentin Tarantino. Will our local candidate knock the twin weapons of mass destruction out of the other candidates? We can only hoot. 

Just like in any beauty pageant, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But in this case, the beholder will be consuming copious amounts of beer while he is beholding.

For The Record

PHILIPPINE STAR: For police record purposes, can I get your full name please?

Ms. Hooters Philippines: Real name at Hooters or my real name?

I like this interview already. So you have stage names here at Hooters, too? Just like other industries where the women use aliases as part of their job? 

T.J.

What’s your last name?

Just T.J.

Ah, following the legacy of other one-named wonders like Cher, Madonna, Prince and Erap. Good strategy.

Eric a.k.a. Hirit King: T.J. means “tough job.” (Laughs). Or “totally juvenile.”

Ms. Hooters: Or “tender juicy.”

I see that you’ve mastered the restaurant’s philosophy of “Delightfully tacky yet unrefined.” How old is this competition?

Eric: This is the 26th Ms. Hooters beauty pageant so far.

Wow. They’ve been having the competition since before I had pubic hair.

Eric: And even before our contestant was even born!

Really? T.J., are you already at the age where you can watch R-rated films without parents?

Ms. Hooters: I’m 20 years old. I’m legal here but not in the US. (Laughs)

So you can model in the States clad only in a swimsuit and wearing high heels but you cannot drink. What a tragedy. 

Pilipina! Pilipina! Pilipina!

So, T.J., how exactly did you qualify as the official representative of Hooters Philippines? Did you have to balance several plates of chicken wings on one hand? Did you have to jump through hoops of fire? Did you have to mud wrestle?   

Ms. Hooters: All of the Hooters staff was invited to join the competition. Those who have the guts —

Guts? They were looking for some puson on a Hooters girl?

Ms. Hooters: Eh?

Never mind. Carry on.

Ms. Hooters: There were four among us who were chosen to undergo a photo shoot.

And just who decided who among you should undergo a photo shoot?

(T.J. points at Eric)

Yes, I can see how Eric, a restaurateur with 20 years of experience under his belt, is qualified to judge who among your girls should enter a beauty pageant. I am sure your skills are in demand in many Quezon Avenue bars as well.

Ms. Hooters: After the photo shoot, Sir Eric and the owners chose who would represent the Philippines. 

Eric: We narrowed down the choices by looking for women who looked most “Filipina-ish.” 

And T.J. was the most “Filipina-ish” of the lot?

Eric: Yup. Every year kasi, it’s the same old blonde that wins. But lately, they’ve been looking at women with a different charm or appeal. Last year, the winner for Ms. Hooters World was Ms. China, who looks like the typical Chinita-Filipina. So we are very confident that someone with strong Filipina features — with that great brown skin and the Filipina appeal — will win.

I did not realize what a connoisseur you are of Filipina skin tone. Your wife must be proud. Aside from her skin color, what made you choose her among the four other candidates? Were you particular about her 70 percent hip-to-waist ratio? Among other ratios?

Eric: Honestly, it was a judgment call among the four of us, we were looking for someone who would best represent the country. When you see her, you want to go “Ah, she is from the Philippines.”

And we all hope that those vital statistics are representative of our country.

In Training

T.J., how have you been training for this competition? Did you go on a strict diet of chicken wings?

Ms. Hooters: No chicken wings! (Laughs then burps with a faint smell of ranch dressing sauce) I have only been eating Caesar’s salad. And very little rice. And the spa treatment! Ugh, I never want to go through that again!

How can you not like a spa treatment?

Ms. Hooters: Because I had a quick whole body bleach, then a scrub, and finally a facial.

I’m relieved to hear that there were no Brazilians involved. How are you preparing for the question and answer portion? Have you finally decided on your solutions to hunger, the H1N1 pandemic and world peace?

Eric: Fortunately, there is no question and answer portion.

There is none? Now, this is a beauty competition that understands men. So there is no talent portion either? No showing off your hula-hoop skills or eating fire or dancing to Careless Whisper?

Ms. Hooters: Wala eh. Sayang, no? (Laughs and snorts a bit). Just walking in an evening gown and in a swimsuit. 

Well, walking is a talent, too.

Eric: You can put your brain on break for a little while and enjoy the candidates as they strut down the stage.

Ms. Hooters: More of emote emote lang. It’s your dating sa tao (impression with the people). It should be sobrang approachable, smart, confident.

I’m sure the judges can tell all that from you while you are strutting on stage in your swimsuit.

Eric: This is not like a regular beauty pageant. In fact, in Ms. Hooters, you wear the gown first, then you wear the swimsuit second.

Ms. Hooters: Hanggang matapos (Until it is finished) ang competition. (Laughs). (She laughs a lot, doesn’t she?)

It must be very difficult to be dressed in a swimsuit for a whole evening. Especially when the venue for the competition is air conditioned. Are there any restrictions to the competition, like wearing a one piece onstage when that outfit is really a two-piece bikini?

Ms. Hooters: Yes. (Laughs). (See, there she goes again). Maraming bawal rin (a lot of restrictions) sa mga swimsuits. Bawal see-through. Bawal G-string. (And the collective groan of several thousand NGSB fans hangs heavy in the air). 

Eric: It has to be competition-level swimsuits.

I didn’t realize that the swimsuits were competing too. And who is choosing your swimsuit? Don’t tell me your highly qualified boss Eric again?

Eric: I just helped in facilitating the swimsuit.

I think your wife will also facilitate something for you after she reads this interview.

Nitty-Gritty

Aside from the fact that all the candidates have a photographic memory of the menu, what makes the Hooters competition different from other beauty pageants?

Eric: These aren’t professional beauty queen contestants. These are contestants who come to work and bus tables and serve guests. But the level of beauty is high.

Naks, spoken like a future Ms. Hooters judge.

Eric: It’s not like you’re going to a Ms. Sapang Palay, di ba?

Siyempre! This is Ms. Hooters, it’s one step above Ms. Sapang Palay! And just who are the judges of this competition? Repeat customers? Dolly Parton? Simon Cowell?

Eric: They normally get celebrity judges. Last year, it was Miami Heat point guard Gary Payton, Best Damn Sports Show Ever, Period co-host John Salley, professional golf player John Daly, basketball players, newscasters. It’s really like a man’s show judging session.

Ah, all qualified beauty experts just like you, Eric. And what exactly is the ruling of this competition when it comes to silicone? Is it encouraged? It is illegal? Can you get a salary loan for it? 

Eric: (Clears his throat) Through the years, Hooters has been veering away from the ‘80s stereotypes — you know, with big hair and big upstairs.

Hey, not all ‘80s stereotypes are that bad, you know.

Eric: But the recent winners of the pageant have been very natural looking, have really great abs, and are really thin and fit.

Ms. Hooters: And it’s all-original recipe over here. (Laughs)

Do the organizers pay subsidies for the tanning lotion expenses as well?

Eric: Actually, that is our advantage! The other contestants need to tan a lot, but T.J. does not really need a tan.

Naks naman. The late Francis M would be proud of you. Aside from their lack of pigmentation, what else do you think if your advantage over the other international Hooters candidates?

Ms. Hooters: After reviewing the footage of previous winners, what I noticed about the winners was that when it came to their bodies, it wasn’t about having large breasts. So I shouldn’t be intimidated by them.  

That’s good to hear. Don’t be intimidated by them unless they start to threaten you.

Ms. Hooters: Well, I’ll be the most natural of them all (Laughs one last time)

Eric: When you look at the other contestants from the US and Europe, they’re all very — you know — prepared.

See, coming from a developing country is not always a disadvantage. If Kinatay can win, then so can we! And lastly, what is the secret ingredient of your chicken wings?

Ms. Hooters: (Laughs. Sige, last na last na ito) It’s service with a smile.

Curses. Foiled again.

* * *

For comments, suggestions of blank, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www. rjledesma.net.

Pinoys unite! Go to http://vote.hootersmagazine.com and vote for Christine Malabanan a.k.a. TJ to win the Ms. Hooters International Viewers Choice Award!