Pimp my prez-mobile

It’s probably not as eco-friendly as some would like, but President Barack Obama’s official transportation — a Cadillac that has come to be known to Secret Service agents as “The Beast” while others simply call it “the Obamobile” — is reportedly capable of withstanding rockets and chemical attack.

It stores quarts of Obama’s blood onboard (you can never be too careful), along with tear gas cannons and pump shotguns in the front seat.

The graphic that’s been circulating online (originally from the UK’s Daily Mail, as drawn by John Lawson) shows a cutaway view of what is known as Cadillac One, a prototype built by General Motors in Detroit and used during the new US president’s inauguration day. Feature by feature, it resembles a tank more than a Caddy, with Kevlar-reinforced tires that are shred- and puncture-resistant (the steel-belted radials ensure quick, high-speed getaway even in case of attack); the chassis is lined with a five-inch-thick reinforced steel plate, something that even a bomb can’t penetrate (in the unlikely event that a bomber could get close enough to Cadillac One to place a bomb).

Compare it to the Popemobile, which seems — even with its bulletproof glass and white body — as friendly as an ice cream truck. The Popemobile, built by everyone from Ford to Mercedes-Benz over the years, is really just a modified truck, albeit fortified with armor plating and a glass-encased papal throne for waving to crowds.

The Obamobile, meanwhile, is a complete reboot of President George W. Bush’s ride, which was basically a modified Cadillac limo. That one has been retired; this one is closer to a truck chassis, with (according to one website) a 6.6L Duramax turbo-diesel V8 engine. (Hopefully, the new president will make sure it loads up on bio-diesel.) General Motors says this type of engine, used in GMC’s Topkick commercial trucks, delivers 300 horsepower and 620 pound-feet of torque.

The presidential ride also has mounted night-vision cameras while the rear compartment holds an oxygen supply as well as firefighting equipment — the sort of superhero options that might appeal to Batman. And those windshields? Tough enough to withstand armor-piercing bullets. The driver’s window can only open three inches, enough to pay tolls and communicate with Secret Service agents running alongside the vehicle.

President Obama’s rear compartment is fitted with bulletproof windows and a glass partition that only he can operate. Cadillac One also reportedly features a high-tech air-recirculating system meant to protect the rear compartment from a chemical weapons attack. There’s also a panic button for instant communication with the outside world.

Let’s see. The Caddy driver is CIA-trained to maneuver safely in the most extreme conditions. The dashboard has GPS and a high-tech communications center. And the body itself is made of an intricate mix of double-layer steel, titanium and even ceramics to break up projectiles.

The doors are armor-plated, eight inches thick and the same weight as the doors of a Boeing 757. And the gas tank is also armor-plated and coated with a special foam that prevents explosion even if hit by a missile.

That’s some badass ride. But full-on protection is only half the beauty of the Obamobile. The President also has an “executive package” at his disposal, featuring a foldaway laptop, WiFi connection and satellite phone hooked up to the Pentagon and Vice President. Oh, and there’s a remote-controlled 10-CD changer (guess it didn’t come equipped with an iPod dock). Music of choice for the new president? Reportedly Stevie Wonder and Bob Dylan.

And the cost of all this added safety? About $600,000. Sure, it only gets about eight miles to the gallon and runs at a top speed of 60 MPH, but if General Motors can just sell, oh, about two million of these a year, their financial woes would be over.