The magical Mystery tour
Ladies, I have seen the enemy. And it is me. Well, it could have been me if my wife hadn’t rescued me from the heathen, dirty-magazine-guided, asymmetrical-forearm-filled world of bachelorhood, and made me kaladkad (and very happily, I might add) into the domestic, sleaze-free world of soiled diapers and calamansi-smelling bedsheets.
Because if I was still vigorously building my right arm muscles, I might have become a fully indoctrinated disciple chugging down on the Kool-Aid of Neil Strauss and his book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists.
Just who is Neil Strauss, my three female readers ask? Neil Strauss was once a regular female-starved journalist geek whose chances of scoring with the opposite sex were probably as dismal as an impeachment complaint. In pick-up artist terminology, Neil was what was known as your average frustrated chump (AFC) or, locally as Big-Time Bigo sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP) who might have only enjoyed sex vicariously. This probably explains why Neil helped Jenna Jameson co-author the book How to Make Love Like a Porn Star.
By his own admission, Neil is not a terribly attractive man. He is blessed with an oversized nose, beady eyes, a scrawny frame, and a treacherously receding scalp. But don’t let his not terribly attractive looks deceive you: Neil should be feared by any female possessing a working set of reproductive organs.
Neil claims that The Game is an autobiography that chronicles several time-tested techniques from several of the world’s best pick-up artists (PUAs) to subvert the wills of the fairer sex more effectively than the President can tame congressmen. But for those of us who only managed to score dates with our first cousins, we know what this book is really all about: it is the saccharine-sweet revenge of my brother nerds against all those “hard to get” saliva-inducing chickadees who spurned our offers to take them out on a date just because being seen with us would be the equivalent of suicide bombing your social life. But more than that, The Game it is also a big fat juicy “EFF YOU” to all the alpha-male sigas who turned our faces into punching bags and our uniforms into toilet paper during high school. Once my kapwa nerds speed-read this book, they will take your women, your dignity and your clean underwear (not that you had any clean underwear to begin with).
The author’s journey into seduction wonderland started when his editor sent him chasing down an Internet document called “The How to Lay Girls Guide.” From there, Neil sponged off the collective knowledge of PUAs who spent all their waking hours turning anthropology, evolutionary psychology, hypnosis and neuro-linguistic programming into weapons to crack open the female species, literally. Ladies, be forewarned: not even a chastity belt will save you from a nerd on a pickup rampage.
Neil’s first guru in the world of seduction science was a man na itatago natin sa panglang (we will hide under the name) Mystery who crafted his own seduction technique and called it (duh) the Mystery Method – a “Basic Training” Workshop which included club entry, a limousine ride for four evenings and an hour lecture each evening with a 30-minute debriefing at the end of the night. By the end of the basic training, Mystery guarantees you will have approached more than 50 women, not including your female first cousins or your yaya.
But to achieve this feat, Mystery reminded his students that any feelings of embarrassment they experienced while trying to pick up a woman should be ignored as much as the truth is ignored in Philippine politics. In the words of Mystery, “All your emotions are going to try and $%^# you up. They are there to try and confuse you and they cannot be trusted at all. You will feel shy sometimes, and self-conscious, and you must deal with it like you deal with a pebble in your shoe. It’s uncomfortable, but you ignore it. It’s not part of the equation.” So don’t worry if you feel like a shameless and insensitive jerk who couldn’t care less what other people think of you; that is very good training if you want to be a crack pickup artist or if you want to run for congress.
So for the benefit of my three female readers, here are some tidbits I have culled from The Mystery Method so they can adequately prepare themselves to deal with men of such caliber — say, by taking cyanide pills.
Game Na Game Na!
1. Show off your feathers. According to Mystery, there is something we can learn from birds: his peacock theory suggests that men should try to emulate the peacock by dressing in elaborately ornate clothing that serves no other purpose except to attract the attention of women and fashion authorities. In The Game, the PUAs were decked out in their best bells and baubles: shiny sequined shirts, oversized cowboy hats, jet-black painted nails and jewelry that glowed in the dark. Once you wear clothes like these, you will immediately grab the attention of curious females who will wonder if you’re a clown, a bugaw (pimp) or Kuya Germs.
2. Approach with caution. Behold the cue ball approach to seduction theory: Mystery says never to approach a woman from behind. Always approach a woman from the front, but at a slight angle so it’s not too direct and confrontational. If you approach her from a straight angle, it also much easier for her to aim a bladed weapon in your direction.
In a social situation, like in a bar or at a massage parlor, it is best not to approach a woman who is all by herself as it is the equivalent of approaching a caged animal who is ready to eviscerate you at the slightest prodding (although this seduction is ideal for those who are into masochism). And the reality is that it is very rare to find softdrink-bottle-shaped beauties all by their lonesome because they are often surrounded by desperate, pining men like yourself.
The best approach to a woman is very Zen: Do not approach her. Rather, approach her friends instead. Give her the feeling that she is being intentionally ignored. For most NGSBs (No Girlfriends Since Birth), I’m sure that that is a feeling you are very intimate with. Now, if your target is hanging around a co-ed group, pay initial attention to the men. Soften them up by offering to buy them a round of drinks, lacing their drinks with sleeping pills, and stealing whatever money they have left in their pockets once they are slumped on the ground.
3. Originality is for losers. When you finally approach your target, you must be well-armed. And I am not just talking about groin protection. Nothing must be left to chance in the game of pickup. Every move is as scripted as GMA’s term extension. Use an opener. According to The Game’s glossary (yes, it actually has a glossary of terms), it is a canned statement used to start a conversation with a stranger or a group of strangers. These opening lines are used to feign spontaneity and personality. Don’t bother developing a personality when you can just pre-script one; personality is for losers. Try opening lines that seek to amuse or impress like “I am the body double for Piolo Pascual’s shower scenes” or “I am the financial adviser to Manny Pacquiao” or “I received agricultural funds from Jocjoc Bolante.”
4. Tricks are for kids. Once you have drugged her male friends and impressed her with your imaginary wit, you need to demonstrate to her that you have some amusement value aside from your Kuya Germs-inspired ensemble. You need to amuse her with some endearing parlor tricks. Now, knowing how to make music with your armpit may be amusing but it may not amuse women (sigh, I don’t know why they are so damn difficult to please). You need to amuse her with some endearing parlor tricks. And you cannot be a one-trick pony, not even a two-trick pony (even if you can make music with both of your armpits). Rather, you need to be a multi-tasking pony. After all, you must be able to show off all these tricks before the women exposes you for the sham that you are and/or her friends wake up from their drugged stupor and want to mash your face until you resemble Oscar de la Hoya.
There are many pretend skills that you can boast, like pretend ESP. For example, you can ask her to think of a number between one and 10 (according to Mystery, the number is almost always seven). Or you can employ “cold reading,” a technique used by fortune tellers, televangelists and tsismis show hosts to tell people obvious truths about their personality or their background so you can bamboozle them into thinking that you know more about them than you actually do. But if all else fails, you can try magic tricks, like chewing on razor blades or hammering a nail into your nose or sawing off your hand. I am sure that after you perform those magic tricks, you will most likely get the phone number of her emergency doctor.
5. You’d be much prettier without that moustache. DJ Alvaro crooned it out quite correctly: women like men who are “Maginoo pero medyo bastos (Gentlemanly but a wee bit crude).” You must dupe her into thinking that you are unaffected by her charm, much the same way that administration congressmen are unaffected by the clamor against Charter change. This is accomplished by the use of a “neg.” According to The Game, a neg is a sort of accidental insult or a backhanded compliment meant to lower a woman’s self-esteem while actively displaying a lack of interest in her. We have a local term for this, and it is called carino brutal. And the operative word here is brutal. Samples of negs include, “You’d be much more attractive if you had silicone implants” or “You’d be sexier if you weighed two hundred pounds less.” Or “You’d be even more gorgeous if you didn’t have that Adam’s apple.”
6. Earning interest. Once you tell her what lovely brown stains she has on her teeth, you can now look for Indicators of Interest (IOI), a sign that the woman is indirectly interested in the invented you. These IOIs are generally subtle. For example, if she asks for your name, that’s an IOI. If she asks if you are single, that’s an IOI. If she asks if you are gay, that’s a WTF. But if she asks you to please go away before she sprays you with mace, would this still be considered an IOI? It depends: Have you already grown immune to mace? As soon as you get three IOIs in a row, then it is time to proceed to the next level, which involves making cambio.
7. Moving up. Or out. If your balls have exponentially increased in size during the course of your seduction and you feel that your conversation can transition from what is the best way to reattach your sawed-off hand to something of a more sexually charged nature, then this is what is called a “phase-shift.” When you move up to phase-shift mode, the situation gets more tactile, or what the PUAs call “kino.” Kino has nothing to do with the former ‘80s pop icon and Pepsi Cola endorser who sang the hit Leaving Yesterday Behind. Rather, kino (derived from the word kinesthesia) is when you touch a girl with suggestive intent or with the purpose of arousal, such as sniffing her hair, slightly brushing up against her hips, or getting her knee to connect with your crotch. There is no documentation, however, as to how many nerve endings are severed every time kino is performed.
8. Sealed with a kiss. The final step of the Mystery Method is the elusive “kiss close” — an unknown frontier for most NGSBs. The “kiss close” presumes your balls have grown enough mass to develop their own gravity field. According to Mystery, a PUA should be brazen enough to ask a woman, “Would you like to kiss me?” When he does this, three things can happen. If she says yes, make a sign of the cross, pucker up, and pray to God she can’t tell you have halitosis. If she says maybe or she hesitates, say “Let’s find out,” then cross your fingers, gird your loins and go ahead and kiss her. At that very moment, your balls will double in size. If she says no, you can go home, lie in a fetal position in bed while thinking about what an idiot you must have been for asking her to kiss you, and then cry yourself to sleep.
Man, if ever I meet any of these PUAs, I hope they let me check out their testicles. I would like to see if there have any satellites orbiting around them.
And what was the most important tip I picked up from The Game? You must a have a cool nickname. Everything hinges on this. Not only do women like cool, mysterious aliases, but working under an alias is also of great benefit when the woman seeks legal action against you. In the PUA community, Neil Strauss was known as Style. His best buddies in the community included people like Sin, Herbal, Grimble, Twotimer, Extramask, Dreamweaver and, quite appropriately, Sickboy. As for me, I’ve never had the benefit of having a cool nickname. My grade school nickname means “bag” in the vernacular. And despite new evidence to the contrary, the nickname has remained with me ever since. Although I wish my wife would stop calling me that already.
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For comments, suggestions or a kiss-close, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart or Sun subscribers. Or email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit my website at www.rjledesma.net.
