Great balls of fire

Let us celebrate what Dingdong Dantes has in excess, what Boy Abunda had an optional use for, and what Jocjoc Bolante sorely lacks. Let us celebrate testosterone.

Don’t fret though, my three female readers. The male species is not swapang (greedy) when it comes to testosterone. After all, you’ve all got some minute amounts of testosterone coursing through your veins as well. There are even some women out there who have more testosterone in their system than your average “under de saya” men. But it is very difficult to tell who these overly testosterone-filled women are, aside from their moustaches and hairy chests.

But that’s enough talk about my yaya. By far, testosterone is my favorite male hormone. This hormone has not only gifted me with the physical characteristics that have made legions of imaginary women swoon all over me such as my chiseled jaw, my progressively spacious scalp and my forest of pubic hair — but it has also armed with survival characteristics that have kept me on top of the alpha-nerd pack — my noxious body odor, my unbearable kakulitan and my mutant-enhanced libido that has forced my wife to keep me in restraints. 

Yes, I am my very own testosterone junkie. In fact, I suspect that I have been overdosing on it. If my body produces any more of this hormone, my libido might boil over to the point that my wife will have to seek asylum. To make sure that my testosterone levels are kept within tolerable levels, my wife has kept me on a steady television diet of Oprah, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and early ‘80s Sharon Cuneta movies.

Despite that, is there too much of a good thing when it comes to testosterone? After all, the overproduction of testosterone may potentially improve your looks. According to Simply Irresistible: The Psychology of Seduction, higher levels of testosterone production produce that chiseled look that self-inflicted blows to the face will never give you — that “hard,” bony facial look, that protruding brow, those broad cheekbones, that prominent jawline and those seven-inch-long nose hairs. The psychological theory of attraction suggests that women seem to prefer male faces with squarer jaws and more prominent eyebrow ridges because these features are an unconscious signal that these men have high testosterone levels. Of course, a jutting brow and a chiseled jaw line also means that you may end up looking like a caveman. But, hey, at least you’ve got mustachioed, hairy-chested women swooning all over you and twirling their fingers around your nose hairs. 

But, not only that, you will end up being smarter than the average caveman. According to the American National Institute of Aging (NIA), older men (read: D.O.M.s) with higher levels of testosterone can help improve their verbal recall and spatial skills. These skills are important to the modern-day Neanderthal because he can impress the swooning woman with his ability to instantly memorize her cell phone number, her vital statistics and her menstrual cycle. Meanwhile, good spatial ability is important for the caveman when he needs to mentally compute how fast handbags, cell phones and stiletto heels are being hurled at his testosterone-producing organs. 

So, for those of you who are serious about jacking up your level of testosterone production to the point that you have hair in your body where it should not belong, here are a couple of tips: 

Testing The Testes

1. Kill or be killed. If you want your testes to go into overdrive, choose a profession where there is a high level of aggressive — and almost cutthroat — behavior. For example, in a study conducted among American men in different professions, the highest reported testosterone levels were found among trial lawyers, while the lowest levels of testosterone were found among religious ministers. Although this study has not yet been conducted in the Philippines, I hazard to guess that those professions drowning in testosterone are those of jeepney barkers, reality TV show participants, and Senate presidents. (Low in testosterone levels are recently retired police generals and former department of agriculture secretaries.)

If barking for passengers, eating goat’s eyeballs or being backstabbed by your colleagues is not testosterone-tempting enough for you, then you can always be your own boss. There appears to be a direct correlation between testosterone and rank. In fact, a high rank in a social hierarchy is associated with high levels of testosterone in men and monkeys (that is usually why a lot of high-ranking government officials are into monkey business). My wife lets me be my own boss most of the time (although I suspect that she only tells me I’m the boss so that I don’t lose any more of my scalp hair). 

2. Win or else. Research has found that testosterone levels among athletes rise shortly before a competition. Apparently, this testosterone boosts the athletes’ willingness to take risks during the game, as well as improve coordination, cognitive performance and concentration. And for several hours after the game, the winning athletes are soaking in so much testosterone that females within a 10-foot radius of them run the risk of spontaneous pregnancies. 

However, if your most athletic endeavor is exercising your thumb on the remote control, another way to increase testosterone levels is to always root for the winning team. Similar increases in testosterone also occur among sports fans watching a game. Research on testosterone levels among men watching football matches in the United Kingdom reveal that the level of testosterone rises dramatically among the male fans whose team has just won.

Note, however, that if you are athlete or a supporter of the losing team, your testosterone will drop lower than GMA’s popularity ratings. 

3. Hayop ka (You’re an animal). If you’re not into playing with others as a means to increase your testosterone levels, you can always play with yourself. So, what is the best do-it-yourself way of pumping up your testosterone? Why, to watch dangerously high levels of porn, of course. Studies have demonstrated that a male monkey, when shown images of another monkey having sex, will exhibit a rise in testosterone levels by almost 400 percent. Wow. So that means if you want to exponentially increase your testosterone levels, I strongly recommend that you watch Animal Planet. Especially if monkey porn does something for you. 

4. Mine is longer than yours. In a study by the University of Central Lancashire in the UK, scientists discovered that men who have much longer fourth fingers compared to their second fingers have higher levels of testosterone surging through their systems. You No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) reading this column must be thinking, so what? Does that differential between the second and fourth finger make any difference when I am watching monkey porn?

Consider this: another study conducted by the University of Chicago found that men who have significantly longer differences between their fourth fingers and second fingers are strongly associated with a woman’s ratings of their physical attractiveness during brief interactions. But the real testicle-tickling factoid is this: recent evidence suggests that the bigger the difference between the lengths of these two fingers, the more sexual partners a man has throughout their lifetime.

Before you chop off your second finger to ensure maximum length differential, please be warned of two things: Cutting off one of your pointer fingers will not make your digits grow any longer and may not improve your sex life (and you will no longer have a finger to pick your nose with). Secondly, if you are in a relationship and your partner comes across this piece of information, she may very well lop off your, ahem, 11th digit, rendering everything I have just written moot and academic. 

Now, if you don’t like Darwinian-type jobs, if you don’t like fanatical competition, if you don’t like fornicating monkeys, and you want to keep all your fingers intact, there is still a way to increase your testosterone levels. And it does not even involve getting silicone enhancements for your testicles. It involves testosterone injections. 

People have been getting high on testosterone since 1889, when a Harvard professor named Charles-Edouard Brown-Sequard injected himself with a “rejuvenating elixir” consisting of the extract of dog and guinea pig testicles. Aside from growing a snout and licking his own balls, Brown-Sequard reported no side effects to his little animal cocktail. Thankfully, the technology for injectable testosterone has greatly improved since then, as testosterone is now being synthesized from human testicles. And, yes, that is a step up from guinea pigs.  

If you are able to live with the fact that you are being injected with hormones that have been synthesized from another man’s testicles, then bask in the ultimate glandular reward: studies have shown that prolonged exposure to higher than usual testosterone levels result in larger penises. So swooning, mustachioed, hairy-chested ladies, you have been forewarned.

Imagine all the positive effects that injectible testosterone can bequeath to you: Neanderthal good looks. Sharper memory. And a club made up of your own swollen flesh. Isn’t this all too good to be true?

Well, yes, it is. When you inject testosterone into your system, it interferes with the natural stimulus to the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus detects the testosterone and is bamboozled into thinking that this hormone is coming from the testes. So the befuddled hypothalamus reduces its activity and stops stimulating the pituitary gland. The pituitary gland makes tampo (sulks) and stops stimulating the testes. The testes, in turn, make tampo as well and punishes you by going on a diet. In short, when you inject testosterone into your system, your testicles shrink as well.    

That gives new meaning to the term “family jewels.”

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For comments, suggestions or an extract of my testosterone, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or please email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit my blog at www.rjledesma.net.