A foodie's nightmare

What happens when a diehard foodie tries to go without food for three days, all in the name of health? Read on and see. It’s not very pretty.

Some time not too long ago, in a feeble attempt to jumpstart healthy living, some friends convinced me to do a one-day Juju cleanse. I logged on to the website — everything looked happy and healthy. Pretty colors, fresh vegetables, fresh fruits … yes, I could do this! One day? Pffft … easy! I ordered and as I did it with a friend, I felt I had some moral support. What happened? Let’s put it this way: I was climbing up the walls, barking at everyone. By 4 p.m. I was snacking and for dinner I had a full meal. Total failure, total impossibility. How could some do it for three whole days? Here’s what happened when I decided to try.

Saturday

12 noon: I wake up nice and refreshed, pumped-up and excited. I was meant to start Sunday but since my juices had already arrived, decided to start then. Despite a mini-morning crisis, I’m still determined to do this! The Ber months leading up to January and especially a few weeks ago, I had eaten so much pork, butter-laden steaks, cheese, puff pastries, creamy delights, deep-fried heavenly food. You name it, I ate it. I want to do this! I want to cleanse! I decided to have some salad and a piece of toast before starting as it would be my last meal. First drink was “Green Bomb,” a medley of vegetables. Not unpleasant; I like veggies and celery.

Carry with pride: The “it” accessory of the night, the Juju cooler.

3 p.m. Happy, happy, healthy, healthy! Spicy Lemonade with cayenne pepper. Yum, yum… I like this. So far, plan for the evening is to watch a movie. I can do this; bring my Jujus to a movie…

6 p.m. I’m drinking the red juice, which I love. It has beets in it! Strangely enough I prefer the veggie-tasting ones. But uh-oh, I just learn it’s one of my really good friends’ birthday and he’s having an impromptu party at Members Only… hmmm. I’ll bring Juju to Members! No problem, stay by the bar and drink my Juju.

6:30 p.m. SMS from Leah: “Change of plans. Arrun wants Republiq. He has table. Meet there at 11:45 p.m. Fun!”

Nooooooo! Republiq? Juju? The only Juju there are Jaeger bombs and vodka. How can I do this? Will find a way and ask Tim.

Tim tweets: “And yes, you can bring your Juju to Rebubliq, waived corkage LOL I’ll tell @pam_soli.”

Yay! Experiment! I can do this; I can do this! I pick out an outfit but my one accessory is my Juju cooler bag. I head off to do some work.

8:30 p.m. Still holding up, slightly worried about Republiq night. How to drink on a Juju stomach or how not to drink at all? Hmmm… Ding, dong! Doorbell rings, it swings open and Kris joyously brings in a ton of groceries: “I got hickory coal for the barbecue, Caesar’s salad, potato salad and four rib-eye steaks ready to go!”

Nooooo… BBQ steaks? The boys tortuously ask me to prepare the steaks, marinate them. As they fire up the grill I’m doing my best to stand my ground. But the captivating smell, enticing hickory flames and that oh, so perfectly char-grilled, cooked-to-perfection medium-rare steak … how could I not? Tons of excuses went flying in my head! Shall I? We’re going out tonight. I was supposed to start tomorrow and as I had this foodie existential crisis going on. Before I knew it, I had sunk my teeth into the most tender, smoky steak, washed down with leftover Chianti. Sorry, Juju. The carnivore in me is calling. The fangs have grown and there’s no stopping it. Groooowl!

9 p.m. Guilt.

11 p.m. Will still bring Juju along so I don’t drink alcohol.

Sunday

Here’s the juice: Juju makes it to Opus.

12:05 a.m. Woohoo! Juju in Opus … still good. Juju beside vodka tonic and San Miguel.

12:30 a.m. Juju in Republiq! Hmm… maybe a shot of vodka in my Juju.

3 a.m. Juju keeps me awake and energized with minimal alcohol! Pop champagne? Sorry, Juju, champagne’s better. Just one glass.

1 p.m. No hangover because I really didn’t drink much, but truly regretting the steak. Today I shall be good. And I was. It was easier. Guilt motivates.

7 p.m. Family dinner at home. There’s a really, exceptionally good paella laden with chorizo and shrimp, and my favorite fish and clams in salsa verde. Waaaah! And fried tikoy for dessert! No. I was bad yesterday … I will be good! And I watched as they lapped up all the delish home-cooked food… I had them wrap me up some so that I could have it after my fast. Strategize!

9 p.m. I’m hungry. I’m sad. I hate Juju. I’ve got the shivers and the cold sweats of some heroin addict going through rehab. I change to pajamas. Crawl in my bed and try to distract myself. Everyone on every TV show, movie or commercial is eating. I’m depressed. I miss my food.

9:05 p.m. I’m sleeping.

Monday

7 a.m. I dreamt about food. About cheese. About pizza. About pasta. About fried chicken. I have all green juices today. It once tasted yummy but now I just can’t. I force one bottle down for breakfast.

11:30 a.m. Just came from a rehab session for my aching back. The whole time on the massage table I was thinking about food. Was I going to last the day? On traffic-laden Makati Avenue, a new French bakery, Paris Délice, caught my eye. “Stop the car!” The smell of croissants, butter, dough, flour, sugar, cheese … angels singing in heaven! Without even thinking: “One chausson aux pommes, one mini chocolate croissant, one soup of the day and one salad with chicken … to go!”

12 noon: Yes! Oh, yes! Flaky, juicy apple croissant turnover … crumbs everywhere! I pick every little crumb up with my finger, not letting one precious butter-laden croissant crumb go to waste. Mini chocolate croissant… ooh, chocolate… Mmmm… soup, tomato-rich soup. Chicken! Fresh lettuce, hardboiled eggs … An Irving Berlin song plays in my head: “Heaven, I’m in heaven…”

Steak it out: That blasted rib-eye steak! Photos taken with a CANON IXUS

Moral of the Story: Know Your Limits

The Juju cleanse was actually a great experience. I lasted around 40 hours, which is much more than the miserable 10 that I lasted the last time. I feel less bloated and much lighter. It also helped shrink my stomach so I feel much fuller after very little. Although I would never go three days without food again, I think once a month, a good, one-day fast and cleanse is a great habit to keep, especially after all the shameless bingeing and gorging I usually do. I suggest you guys try it. Lock yourself in a room and warn all your friends: please don’t show up with rib-eye steaks.

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You can contact me at Stephanie_zubiri@yahoo.fr.