Good manners are elegant, even sexy

If I were to conduct a poll today and ask people what they consider sexy, chances are the majority would reply with a physical trait or something visually appealing: a great pair of legs, ample cleavage, long and lustrous hair, bare back, flat tummy, miniskirt, thigh-high slit or high-heeled shoes, to name a few.

While none of these answers are wrong, they are predictable and, sad to say, condescending to a certain degree. I don’t think any woman wants to be defined solely by her physicality, by a part and not by the whole. I don’t believe any woman would appreciate being classified as attractive simply because she has a great body or because she’s clothed in the latest fashions; we are so much more than that.

In a world filled with reality TV shows where being rude and crass are tolerated — even applauded — where obsession with fashion must-haves and the latest It bags have led some to material excess and living beyond one’s means, where high-tech devices have replaced personal interaction and become tools for inappropriate behavior, we have become a society in dire need of a fix, away from the superficial and the banal and back to the basics of good manners and common ethics.

I found several prominent and influential women; read on and see who defines true elegance and feminine appeal and those who don’t. 

A Tale of Two Female Royals

While a position of power may entitle a person to certain privileges, it is not a license to misbehave or do anything one pleases. Sarah Ferguson, the former wife of Prince Andrew, brother of Prince Charles, has been caught in several compromising situations unworthy of the wife of a royal. She was seen canoodling with a wealthy Texan businessman while still married to the Prince and has been entangled in several tight financial fixes because of living large. Just a few weeks ago, she was caught on camera asking for £500,000 from an undercover reporter of The News of the World posing as an Indian businessman, in exchange for access to her ex-husband. She claimed desperation after the tape was made public and admitted to Oprah that “she was drinking prior to soliciting cash” and that she “was in the gutter at that moment” she put the proposition on the table. Her conduct is unbecoming of a woman, let alone the mother of would-be heirs to the British throne.

In contrast, thousands of miles away, there is the well-respected and well-loved, socially responsible and fashionably understated Queen of Jordan. Queen Rania, who is married to King Abdullah of Jordan, is beauty at its finest. Eloquent, smart and beautiful, she speaks with the choicest of words, conducts herself with quiet confidence and smiles with such heartfelt warmth. She represents her country with great pride and champions women’s rights and children’s education with a dedication and commitment that could rival that of any male dignitary or respected CEO. Her demeanor and tasteful sense of style embody what is truly elegant and appealing in a woman.

What sets Sarah and Queen Rania apart? Definitely not their upbringing since neither grew up with immense wealth and privilege. While Sarah may have come from country gentry with some old money, she was not raised with extraordinary financial means and finished at the Queen’s Secretarial College. Queen Rania was born in Kuwait to Palestinian refugee parents and graduated from the American University in Cairo with a degree in Business Administration. She worked with Citibank and Apple Computers before she married the king.

While both are involved in charity work, Queen Rania has set herself apart in the world arena as a serious advocate of global education through her commitment to the Millennium Development Goals-Universal Primary Education. Looking at her, listening to her talk and watching what she is doing, you cannot help but admire her.

As for Sarah Ferguson, she was apparently forced to turn down a financially juicy offer to appear on Celebrity Rehab after it was rumored that Prince Andrew and the rest of the royal family threatened to cut off all ties with her if she signed up for the reality TV show.

Model Behavior

In the ’90s, Naomi Campbell reigned as queen of the runway and was one of the original supermodels, part of “The Trinity” with Christy Turlington and Linda Evangelista. Tall, lithe and gorgeous, she was the first black model to grace Paris Vogue and counts more than 500 magazine covers to her name; she was discovered at the age of 15 and has been modeling ever since.

While she continues to captivate with her beautiful face and perfectly shaped body on the runways and in magazines, her private life tells an ugly truth that is punctuated by violent behavior and criminal tendencies. As early as 2000, there were reports that she physically assaulted an assistant; this type of behavior continued throughout the years and led to five days of community service and anger management seminars in NYC in 2007. In 2008, she was once again charged for physically assaulting a police officer and a flight attendant over lost baggage at Heathrow Airport; she has since been banned from flying on British Airways. In March of 2010, her limousine driver went to the police to complain that Campbell slapped and punched him and just last week, she found herself embroiled in the trial of former Liberian president Charles Taylor for war crimes after receiving several gifts of “blood diamonds” from him as a result of a “flirtatious evening” at a charity dinner in Africa; it is uncertain whether her testimony is concluded or not.

While Naomi Campbell may be swathed in designer duds, her unacceptable treatment of other people invalidates her physical beauty and all the expensive material possessions she has. Her constant run-ins with the law devalues every contribution she has given to the Nelson Mandela Children’s Fund, making her an unworthy role model for underprivileged children in Africa. No Dolce & Gabbana, Roberto Cavalli or Gianni Versace outfit can camouflage her unkind and distasteful ways. Her vital statistics may be a perfect 10 but her attitude is a definite zero.

If Naomi Campbell had a nemesis, it would be Christy Turlington; raised in an upper-middle-class household in California, Christy was discovered while riding horses in Florida. She rejects the “supermodel” label and is widely respected in the fashion industry as one of the friendliest and most professional models. She has graced hundreds of magazine covers and is a darling and muse of photographers such as Peter Lindbergh, Arthur Elgort and the late Herb Ritts, three of the most influential and famous fashion photographers of all time.

After semi-retiring from modeling, Turlington got involved in several business partnerships that included an Ayurvedic skincare line called Sundari and two clothing lines named Nuala and Mahanuala created in collaboration with Puma. A yoga enthusiast who was a former smoker, she quit right after her father died of lung cancer and has become an outspoken anti-smoking activist; she is currently a CARE (relief agency) ambassador and has traveled to Africa on behalf of Project Red and Latin America to promote women’s right to healthcare.

In 1999, she graduated cum laude with a Bachelor of Arts degree from the Gallatin School of Individualized Studies in NYU and is currently taking her master’s degree in Public Health at Columbia University.

She recently signed a multi-year, multimillion-dollar contract with Maybelline for the second time around. She is married with two kids and at 41 she is a great inspiration to models and women alike and proves that beauty does come with brains and heart.

Reality TV Overload

If there is one place you get a firsthand look at bad behavior it is reality TV. From catfights to backbiting, from over-the-top spending to bankruptcy, from airing dirty laundry to outright misbehaving, from offensive language to inappropriate dressing, these reality shows, particularly the Real Housewives of Atlanta, has it all. The most watched reality show on American TV, it features five women in different states of marital relationships; one has an on-and-off relationship with a married man, two are suing their ex-husbands for alimony and full custody of their children and the other two have been forced out of their pricey homes for unpaid past-due rentals. One of them is dealing with the arrest of a son for weapon and drug possession as well.

While these types of shows are considered good TV, they do not serve any purpose other than entertainment. Few and far between are the days when you finished watching a show and came out of the experience enlightened or inspired. Sure, any one of the scenes from the show could occur in real life in any household, but who needs to see such vulgar, excessive behavior? Who needs to hear expletives bleeped out of every sentence? Who wants to be subjected to tasteless, downright cheap fashion? Where is the elegance and real sexiness in that?

Thank goodness for women like Lisa Ling, who save television from such disgraceful displays with reality features that matter. A graduate of University of Southern California, Lisa Ling began her career as a reporter and anchor at the age of 18 on Channel One News. In 1999, she became one of the hosts of The View but left after several years to return to international reporting. She currently works as a special correspondent for The Oprah Winfrey Show covering thought-provoking issues such as women in US prisons, bride-burning in India, child trafficking in Ghana and the war in Afghanistan, among others.

She is educated, vocal yet well-mannered and feminine yet tough on assignment; she shows grace under pressure and sensitivity to subjects when interviewing them and is always respectful, especially when asking delicate questions. In 2011 she will have her own talk show entitled Inside with Lisa Ling on the Oprah Winfrey Network. During her time off, she shows up on the red carpet in a fashion style representative of a modern, confident and cultured woman.

Lasting Impressions

For me, there is nothing more elegant and sexy than a woman who exudes genuine kindness and possesses good manners. While fabulous-looking clothes, trendy shoes and bags, expensive jewelry, even porcelain-white skin or a well-proportioned body are pleasant to the eyes, nothing can replace the beauty of a woman who carries herself with natural grace and unquestionable character. With this in mind:

• Try to avoid using foul language. Don’t inject swear words into every spoken expression of surprise or anger; it is disconcerting and painful to the ears.

• Don’t make a public spectacle of your frustration when shopping or running errands. Don’t berate, raise your voice, point fingers and namedrop. These are tiresome exercises and, quite frankly, a turnoff.

• Don’t wear your logo-ed designer clothes, shoes and bags all at the same time. It makes you look like you’re trying too hard to fit in or be fashionable.

• Don’t divulge too much information. Not only is it unnecessary, it is also fodder for gossip.

• Learn to keep private matters absolutely private. 

• Lastly, don’t flash your wealth, throw your weight around or pull rank. Acknowledge everyone who greets you, be genuinely polite to everyone you meet regardless of their social standing and be respectful of everyone’s opinion and circumstances. These are marks of an extraordinary, elegant and sublimely sexy woman.