I've got you under my spell

Who says true love is hard to come by? All you need is some olive oil, some acrylic yarn and an oversized Hello Kitty doll. 

Over the undas (All Saints’ Day), I learned that the thousands of words I have spewed out in this column have just been pure drivel. All that muckety-muck about learning pickup lines and reading body language and buying gayumas (love charms) outside of Baclaran Church are just as effective on the opposite sex as filing impeachment charges is against the President. Why dab yourself with expensive cologne or don your China-made Rolex or flash your surgically-enhanced pwet just to catch the attention of that woman you have been obsessing over when all you need to do is mosey on over to your neighborhood sari-sari store for some eye of newt and toe of frog? 

If there is one thing that I learned from Tony Perez’s book Mga Panibagong Kulam sa Pag-Ibig (The New Spells for Love), it is that the government does not have a monopoly on making magic. This book is the royal straight flush in the poker game of love, where all the cards are stacked in your favor. After you have mastered this book, all you No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) can finally forego the use of your one-armed bandit.

However, what do we really know about kulam except for preconceived notions that we have learned from Bible-thumping conservatives, from our yayas and from movies starring Judy Ann Santos? According to Perez, a kulam is simply a creative form of prayer using ingredients. And when you brew together the right ingredients, it’s the equivalent of sending a text message to the “higher ups” asking them to be your tulay (bridge) to spell-bounded love.   

There are many spirits, diwatas (fairies), dwendes (dwarves), kapres and congressmen who have their own agendas, and they may either want to help (tagahatid) or hinder (tagaharang) your kulam from reaching your intended victim — este — beloved. Imagine your kulam passes through several of these go-betweens who give you the runaround. If karma is on your side, your kulam will reach her faster than tsismis on The Buzz. But if karma would like to stick a hot poker up your pwet, your kulam will reach her slower than oil price rollbacks. But take comfort in the fact that when the kulam reaches your woman, whether it takes five minutes or 50 years, you will have definitely bagged the woman of your dreams. Or you may have bagged a manananggal. 

The kulams that Tony Perez advocates are relatively easy to perform and, thankfully, none of these spells require the drawing of pig’s blood, dancing naked while beating your chest (much to my dismay) or sacrificing a virgin or two. These would have been particularly daunting tasks, especially if we had to look for virgins. The only thing that that needs to remain chaste for a spell, Perez clarifies, is the ingredients — which means they should not be used for any other purpose except for the spell, whether that purpose is hygienic or otherwise. But even if these spells required virgins, my NGSB readers would have had no problem with that.   

For most of these kulams, there is a basic five-step process that must be strictly adhered to unless you plan to grow an extra nipple:      

1. Kasangkapan (ingredients). The most exotic ingredient here is probably isaw (chicken entrails), only because it is good pulutan (appetizer) while preparing the love spells. Otherwise, the ingredients for most of these spells are fairly innocuous and can be found in most households, hardware stores and wet markets. Among these ingredients are vigil candles, candle holders, matches, potpourri bowls, heart-shaped nightlights, hair brushes, lipstick cases, hand mirrors, cologne, forks, knives, a chopping block, a pair of tongs, fresh kalamansi, coconuts, biscuit boxes, empty mayonnaise bottles, a pair of scissors, wax crayons, modeling clay, plastic canisters, your passport photo, a domino set, a pair of dice, towel, a pair of tsinelas (slippers), assorted bathroom sundries and the most important ingredient, toilet paper (most NGSBs know what to do with the toilet paper). With all these ingredients, you aren’t quite sure if you will be performing a spell, going on a romantic date, baking pastries, attending an art class, or taking a shower. 

Second, most of these ingredients for the kulams must be monochromatic. Try to gather red apples, red roses, red ballpoint pens, red envelopes, red stamp pads, red balloons, etc., including the most mahiwaga (mysterious) of all, rose-colored Post-It notes (really).  

And lastly, you are advised to scrub the ingredients with salt, especially if these ingredients have not yet been used for magical, alchemical or world domination purposes. The salt scrub also leaves these ingredients exfoliated and with a nice afterglow.

2. Ang Pagtatalaga ng mga Kasangkapan (Dedication of the ingredients). Before you conduct the kulam, the ingredients are dedicated to magic by bathing them under the light of (preferably) the third full moon for three hours. As the exfoliated ingredients get a nice moonlit tan, you can choose to bask in the moonlight as well. According to the book, it is untrue that bathing underneath the moonlight will drive you to lunacy. But if you do notice yourself developing a sharp overbite, body hair where it doesn’t belong, or the desire to dine on human viscera, it is best that you go back into the house, lock yourself in your room and shoot yourself with a silver bullet. 

3. Pagkokonsagra sa Magica ng mga Kasankapan (Consecration of the ingredients to magic). Every time you conduct a kulam, you need to consecrate the ingredients. First, dab extra-virgin olive oil on your right thumb and index finger then smear it all over the ingredients. If you are clueless as to where you can find extra-virgin coconut oil, do not fret, just look for a patch of ugly olives (that joke was sponsored by Gary Lising). If you want quicker results for your kulam, you may want to try using motor oil.  

4. Ritwal (Ritual). After being bathed, color-coordinated, exfoliated and moisturized, the ingredients are now ready for their close-up. The ritual is an actual step-by-step spell-casting process, which may or may not involve some blowing on ingredients. The spells in the book appear in no particular order. In fact, there’s a grocery list of spells you can choose from, based on the level of your desperation, hopelessness and medication. There are helpful spells for self-medication (i.e. First-Aid for Love), for gardening (i.e. Zen Garden of Love) and for building a strong investment portfolio (i.e. Piggy Bank of Love).

Several of these spells will also help cement your friendships with the “higher ups” who will escort (tagahatid) your message of love to the intended casualty, este, woman. These “higher ups” include the moon goddess, the earth, wind and fire elements (when they are not on tour) and diwatang kalachuchis (frangifani — yes, that’s kalachuchi in English — fairies), who can be found on flowering trees. Although I do hear from reliable sources that you can also meet a lot of diwatang kalachuchis in select bars around the metropolis.

Aside from those “higher ups,” you will also be making a barkada of fruit seeds, Barbie and Ken dolls and “power” cats (between Garfield and Hello Kitty, choose the one with better merchandising material) whom you can help make palakas (peddle their influence) on behalf to the “higher ups.”

If you already know whom you wish to enslave — este, enrapture — in the folds of your love handles but are unable to get through to her because of a court order, then there are some love spells which will require you to be more stealthy than police generals returning from an international conference. You can scavenge for personal items that you have, ahem, obtained from her — such as her picture (clue to NGSBs: you can download pictures from Facebook — mwahahahaha!), cigarette butts she has thrown away, chewing gum she has spat in your face, buttons from her shirt (remember, the buttons must be acquired through legally defensible means) and the temporary restraining order she has filed against you — store these in a special box which will have the magical effect of bringing her close to you. But also remember that this box can be presented as evidence in court.

5. Orasyon (Oration). You must recite the oration with proper “oompa loompa” emphasis if you want it to be broadcast to the “higher ups.” I know it might feel rather awkward at first, but just think of an oration like a potential pop or novelty song.  

Imagine Christian Bautista crooning these lines to make a woman want to exercise her biological imperative with you:  

“Ito, ang Pag-ibig, (This love)

Magbubuklod sa ating dalawa (Which binds us)

Magpakailanman (Forevermore).”

Or Jay-R humming this potential chart-topping hit to make the woman as hopelessly irrational as you:

“Ako, (fill in name of NGSB here) (I)

Ang iyong palad (I am your fortune),

Ang iyong tadhana (I am your fate),

Ang iyong katarungan (I am your equity),

Ang iyong biyaya (I am your blessing),

Magpakailanman (Forevermore).

Or, my favorite, the oration to the power pussycat:

“Pusa, pusa (Little cat, little cat)

Ikaw ay magkusa (It’s all up to you)

Huwag mong ipaubaya (Don’t leave things to fate)

Na ako ay lumuha (Or else I’ll go boo-hoo).”

I can hear Willie Revillame singing it in my head right now. Or Phoebe from Friends. 

By time you’ve labored through every spell outlined in the book, you will be excreting so much love from your pores that Cupid will have to look for another line of work. However, the kulam book does have a disclaimer: the same way that our prayers are not always answered, kulams are not always guaranteed to work.

When this happens, there is no need to curse the heavens, grab that consecrated knife and turn yourself into a eunuch. Just find a way to keep yourself entertained. With all that art material you bought, you can make a sculpture out of papier-mâché. With all the olive oil you bought, you will never run out of salad dressing. And with all the dolls you bought, you can always find other NGSBs to play with. 

And if worse comes to worst, you can always give love… to yourself.     

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Mga Panibagong Kulam sa Pag-Ibig by Anvil Publishing is available at National Bookstore and Fully Booked. 

For comments, suggestions or some voodoo dolls, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit my blog at www.rjledesma.net.

Pogi or not, you are welcome to come! There will a book signing for Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me, my first collection of humor essays, on Nov. 22 (Saturday) 5 p.m. at Fully Booked, Bonifacio High Street, Taguig. I will be reading excerpts from the book and also some excerpts from my upcoming collection, I Do or I Die! We will also be selling limited edition “My Yaya thinks I’m Pogi” and “My Yaya thinks I’m Seksi” T-shirts.