Gave it up

Rick Astley is stuck in a time warp.  And, believe me, I know what that’s like. 

When I was the favorite toilet plunger of every toughie, siga and topak during my high school days, I would scurry home after school and escape into my Rick Astley 12-inch dance remix while watching his Never Gonna Give You Up video until near-catatonia. Rick was my singing coach, my style icon and my dance instructor. Although Rick will never admit it, nor will he even be aware of it, he and I share a bond, a bond that is almost as deep as the one he shares with Roderick Paulate.

How could Rick and I not have a bond? The similarities that run between us are uncanny. For example: his career hasn’t progressed since the Eighties. Neither has mine. The only difference between us is that he is earning millions in royalties while I have 15,000 bottles of de-carbonated Royal Tru-Orange bottles languishing in my basement. Just like Rick, I have managed to maintain my youthful matinee-like features, and we will continue to be insufferably young-looking until some snooping kids find our aging portraits stashed in a time-lock vault. And, to top it all off, our initials both start off with the letter R. So, is that merely coincidence? Or fate? Or dementia?  In the second part of our interview with Rick Astley, you be the judge. 

Hairloom

RJ Ledesma (a.k.a. a second-rate Roderick Paulate): My dear leader, let’s talk about your style. Before you came along, the only British fashion icon we could blatantly rip off our fashion sense from was Elton John. 

Rick Astley (a.k.a. Roderick Paulate of the UK): Me? Style?

That trenchcoat, those RayBans, those pants that rode all the way up to your bellybutton, where do I even start? Let’s talk about the hair. How do you get your hair to look so aerodynamic all of the time?  

It’s a wig! It’s woven from the finest horsehair in North America. (Laughter, followed by a swarm of DOMs badgering Rick on who is his hairpiece supplier.) And, with this wig, you can actually be of better use when riding an airplane. It’s fantastic!

But Rick, there was one phase in your career where you actually grew out your hair! And my world and the rest of Pinoy preppy fashion-dom was shattered. Which demon possessed you?

Well, to be honest, I just wanted to try out something new, you know. Then I went back to the hairstyle I have right now.

You were the very first metrosexual man! I am sure that David Beckham considers you his spiritual descendant.   

I was just going to say, David Beckham would probably sue me for that (Laughs). You know what’s funny? When Never Gonna Give You Up was released and it looked like the song was on its way to number one on the charts, the producers said, “My God, we’ve got to make a video of this if this song’s going to go to number one!”  But nobody told me what I was going to wear for the video. Nobody said, “Oh, we’re going to style you this way or that way!” And I brought a raincoat with me to the shoot because it was raining.  When I turned up at the shoot, I had on a black turtleneck coat and that’s what I wore for the video. And you know what? Some little kid stole that raincoat off me in Northern Ireland. 

Damn that little kid and the millions of pounds he will make  after auctioning off your trenchcoat on eBay. 

Dance Fever

Rick, you redeemed our faith in the ability of white men to dance.  Just how did you develop your dance moves? You know that one — step two-step to the side with the simultaneous arm flailing?  Were your dance moves the result of Mexican jumping beans in your knickers? Or an uneven bone structure? Or leg injury?

I actually had strings attached to my arms and my legs, and there was a guy pulling my strings. 

Wow, you have something in common with many of our administration congressmen! Were there also choreographers behind the camera screaming at you, “Okay sunshine, step to the right! Now step to the right again! And then snap your fingers! Twirl those arms of yours! Twirl them harder, you git!”

I think it was just pure fear, to be honest with you. It was probably because all the cameras were trained on me and it was live TV. The director would shout, “Okay, Rick, dance for us now!.” Then I told myself, I’ll make it up as I go along. So I just shuffled around a bit and see how they like it.

Wow, and people have been aping your fear-induced dance moves ever since. 

Well, then, people are crazy (Laughs). 

At least it wasn’t as crazy as grabbing your crotch and singing in falsetto. You don’t know how many times that dance move sent me to our guidance counselor.

Lies My Wikipedia Told Me

According to your Wikipedia entry, you once changed your professional name to Ricardo Bocanegra as a tribute to your Mexican parents.  So, do you plan to repackage yourself as a Latino singer?  

I can categorically say that that is a myth!

So, you’re not Mexican?

I don’t think so. No.

Filipino?

No. I am probably more Viking than anything else. 

That’s too bad, I thought you were going to be the British Julio Iglesias. All you need to do is just expose more chest hair. Hmmm, when you sing you have this really deep baritone voice. Are you sure you’re not black either?

Um... No. 

Not even any of your body parts?

Well, obviously I’ve been influenced by a lot of great black American singers. It’s the kind of music that I grew up with. You know, for every great single out there, they often pinch things from other people. For me, I liked to pinch things from those great black American singers. 

I never realized how much pinching was going on in the music scene. How do you develop a deep voice like yours? Were you born with it? Did you do vocal exercises? Did you do weight training for your testicles?   

I used to smoke and drink a lot when I was about five years old. So, all you kids out there — start smoking and drinking as soon as you can!

Thank you, Rick, I’ll make sure to pass that advice on to the participants of Little Big Star.

Enough Is Enough Is Enough

Among all of your songs, is there any song that you’d probably want to choke on your own tongue before you sing it again?

Not really. It’s been such a long time since I’ve done something like this that it’s really just good memories for me now.  It would’ve been different if I’d just been singing these songs continuously for the past 15 years.  Then I would’ve been bored out of my mind. But because I haven’t done this thing for the past 15 years, it’s kind of nice to do it again.

Yes, I agree. It’s always good to do Rick Astley again after 15 years.  Have you ever watched one of your old videos, and then after watching it, wanted to find the most painful way to shoot yourself?

Well, yeah. Looking back at those videos, there are some that are painful to watch. But I think that’s the same for most of us if you look back at your photo albums from 20 years ago. It’s just worse for me because millions of people can watch those videos on YouTube. 

So, how do you feel about your avid male listeners who have since become closet Rick Astley fans? You know them, the ones who will never admit that they still sing your songs in the shower but who still subscribe to your fashion sense. Do you want us to revoke our fan club membership?  

You know, I think I was one of those artists that all guys won’t admit kind of liked.  You would put that record in the back of their collection, or they hide the tapes in the glove compartment of their car.

But by coming over here, you have effectively re-outed all of the Rick Astley fans. And, we are not only legion, but we also occupy positions of power. Have you ever noticed the hairstyle of our ex-President? 

Forced Migration

Do you think you could visit us more often? Mike Francis and Earth, Wind and Fire visit our country on a regular basis, especially when they need to make their mortgage payments. 

I’m really going to see how tomorrow night goes.  I’d like to see first how the fans scream (Laughs). The frustrating thing about doing a concert like this is that you come to Manila and you are looked after and driven around. You don’t really get to see the Philippines. So if I come again, I think we’ll do it right. The Philippines will be my last stop in a series of concerts so that I can see more of the country.

 Why don’t you just stick around here and make movies!

A movie?  Really? Well, my wife’s a film producer so you never know. 

See, there you have it! You know, aside from Barry Manilow, you have an insanely large fan following over here. 

Ah, yes, me and Barry. We’re like this! (Rick intertwines his fingers. Rick, I would have thought twice before intertwining my fingers if one of those fingers represented Barry Manilow.)

You could even run for public office in the Philippines and win! Pierce Brosnan actually won the mock elections for governor in the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao!

Does Pierce know that he won?

No, he probably doesn’t even know he was on the ballot.  He probably doesn’t even know where Mindanao is. 

Cool.  Why don’t you vote for me for President, then? And if I win, I will come back and I will rule.

Given her current popularity ratings, I think you’ll be coming back sooner than you think.

Surrender

Rick, you said that you were never going to give it up, but then you gave it up. For about 15 years. I thought we were going to be together forever? What happened to you?  Where did you go?

To be honest, I just got sick of it. At that point, I had traveled around the world, and my wife and I had a daughter.  And I realized there was more to life than to talk to people like you. 

You know, I’m a very simple guy and I come from a very simple background, and I just want a very simple life, with lots and lots of money. Which is what I did.

If only we could be as simple as Rick Astley. So you like living in relative obscurity whenever you’re back in the UK?

I really, really value it because obviously I lived through being famous. I became famous to the point where when I went for holiday in South Africa, I ended up singing with the band in the hotel because they were playing my songs. So, eventually, I told myself that I was just going to go home, close the door for a while, and let it all go away. And it did. And you know, I’ve enjoyed that peace and quiet.

So, we won’t be hearing any new Rick Astley songs for a while? Or even a 36-inch Together Forever Megadance mix?

No. I enjoy doing things like the concert because it’s something that I can just switch on. I can totally come back to the Philippines next week and just walk down the street and nobody would recognize me. And yet, I could still come over here and do a concert. So I get the best of both worlds. 

(Heavy breathing) I’m sorry, Rick. I’m trying to suppress my tears. Thank you again for coming to the Philippines. Rick Astley, you have completed me. I brought a dinner knife, could you please etch your name across my chest.    

Post-Script

Despite the interview, Rick Astley’s production team still allowed me to watch the concert as long as I was wearing the proper restraints.  As I squeezed my way through the Drakkar Noir-smelling, espadrille shoe-wearing crowd, I couldn’t help but notice the many young kids with a look on their faces that screamed, “Why did my parents drag me here!? I could be home right now watching Hannah Montana!” And I just thought back, “The nerve of these brats! Don’t they know that they could have been conceived during a Rick Astley playlist?” 

But before I could make these kids cry for help, the air in Araneta Center was emulsified by the strains of hauntingly familiar bubblegum pop.  And my bladder emptied out in glee as a black-sounding man with an English accent belted out “Eeeefff theeehhhssss anneeeethiiiiiinnngg yooouuu neeeehhheeeedd!!!”  “Riiiiiicccckkk!!!”  I wailed along with the thousands of middle-aged men who had forsaken any attempt to protect their masculinity. “We looooooooovvvvveeeeee yoooouuuuu!!!!” 

But even as Rick squealed out one chart-topping hit after the other, the real treat of this one-night-only concert was still fidgeting in the front row, running his fingers back and forth his moussed-up hair. As the groundswell of shrieking middle-aged men reached scandal-level magnitude, Rick could no longer ignore their demands. He shushed his band, slung a guitar over his shoulder, and pointed squarely at the bespectacled gentleman with the form-fitting black shirt who seated near the stage. “OK, baby, you better come up.” He grinned, “Are you ready to sing Never Gonna Give It Up, Roderick?” And, from that moment onwards, this was the Roderick Paulate show.

Much to the dismay of the members of the Rick Astley dance troupe, our idol did nary a shuffle to any of his songs that evening. However, Roderick more than made up for Rick’s lack of kinetic energy onstage. Kuya Dick not only shuffled, he jiggled and jangled, he bounded and rebounded, he even ka-ramboled and whirlygigged.  Roderick whirlygigged so hard that night that ABS-CBN management contemplated for a moment reviving Tonight With Dick and Carmi.  And as Roderick hypnotically gyrated onstage while belting out in his best faux English accent, one of my most-cherished Rick Astley urban myths was debunked. The only reason I thought Rick Astley was a great dancer was because I thought Roderick was merely swiping Rick’s moves. But after seeing the star of Petrang Kabayo, Kumander Gringa and Hee-Man: Master of None dance circles around the Rickster, I realized at that moment that all those moves were all homegrown Kuya Dick.  Man, we were all Roderickrolled.

When Rick Astley conquers the world, Kuya Dick, you will be his stand-in.  And I will be your alalay.

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For comments, suggestions or a fake autograph or for The Best of Roderick Paulate dance moves, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart or Sun subscribers. Or e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com. If you want to watch Rick Astley’s original Never Gonna Give You Up video on YouTube, visit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI.  If you want to watch Kuya Dick giving it up with Manong Rick, visit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLq_T-3z9co.