Ain’t it a hoot?
Hooters Restaurant: an eye-popping, lip-smacking and slobber-inducing experience. And that’s even before you get to take a look at the menu.
But what can you expect from Hooters (or as they say in Pampanga, “Oooters”) — a restaurant where everything comes in ample portions except for the uniforms of the girls.
Just take a hoot at their selling line: “Delightfully tacky yet unrefined.” This is merely a politically correct way of saying “Maginoo kami pero medyo bastos.” That’s truth in advertising for you right there.
So what more can we expect from a franchise that has institutionalized ogling not only into the restaurant business, but also in the casino, hotel and airline businesses as well? (Yes, really.)
Where else do they plan to introduce tack-full unrefinement in
All In The Family
RJ Ledesma (a.k.a. Wingless): Would you describe the men who patronize Hooters as well-behaved or men who require neutering?
Eric Gutierrez (a.k.a. Wingman): The men are pretty much well-behaved. But you can’t avoid those, um, gentlemen who come here for indecent proposals every now and then. You can’t blame them.
Damn it, I told Gary Lising to stop going to Hooters already. So when men like Tito Gary come over here, do they actually eat or do they just drool onto their chicken wings?
Well, that’s the beauty of Hooters, they often forget that it is a restaurant.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they forget that it is a restaurant. For most D.O.M.s, memory loss does come with age. I’ve read that Hooters is now a family restaurant. Is it a restaurant for the first family or for the second family?
Ummm, it’s for all of their families!
Safe answer. When families do come over here, do the mommies cover the eyes of their little boys to make sure that they don’t get any premature lessons in the female anatomy?
Surprisingly not. I think it’s the perception of the moms that these women are wearing basketball shorts. And that basketball shorts are acceptable attire.
Acceptable attire? I don’t know about that. I was pretty uncomfortable watching Sen. Jaworski play in his basketball shorts. Does that mean that Hooters is a kid-friendly restaurant nowadays?
Believe it or not, when you are at Hooters, the girls over here also act as your free yaya.
Free yaya, ha? No wonder I feel so at home over here. Do you also hold children’s parties in Hooters?
Yes, we do have children’s parties over here. In fact, kids get to eat for free over here on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and our girls will take care of the kids. We had a big party last night where we had a kid who forgot all about his mom. He stayed with the girls until the family left the restaurant.
How old was this kid? Thirty-one?
More like 31 months.
Are you sure? You should have checked for body hair.
Let’s Get Physical
What does it take to become a Hooters girl? Upper-body strength? Mud-wrestling skills? Ample knowledge of chicken wings?
Of course, they have to fill out an application form. And they have to be solid enough to fill out an application form.
Very good: writing is a very good skill to have.
Next, they get interviewed by our human resources assistant…
So there is an actual process pala? I thought you made your decisions based on a dartboard, a record of their vital statistics, and a hidden camera in the banyo.
(Sighs) And the second to the last part is my final interview. I let them stay in the restaurant and I ask them, “Can you do this, can you dance, can you wear the uniform?” And finally the last part, which is probably the hardest part of them all, is the uniform test.
We should really avoid using the word “hard” when it comes to describing the girls. Our wives may take it out of context.
They need to wear the uniform and show it to me. And then I will decide.
I know several hundred men who would pay to have your job. Or would kill you for it. Now, is this uniform test a visual or hands-on inspection?
As management, we keep a hands-off position on everything. Let’s just put it this way: they need to be physically fit.
So did you conduct a physical test on the girls? And if so, what part of your physique did you apply on the girls?
Well, the biggest physical test I had with these girls was with my head.
Your head, eh?
Yes, these girls make me knock my head against the wall. “No, no, no!” I tell them. “Don’t do that! Don’t touch that!”
I am sure your wife is glad that it is only your head that you are knocking against the wall and nothing else. But enough about abusing your head. Tell me, what were the actual physical tests you had to inflict on the girls? Did you arm-wrestle with them? Hose them down while they were in their kamisetas? Have them jump up and down on a trampoline?
Ah, now you’re talking about the skills part!
Ah, so they call it “skills” nowadays.
The skills part happens during training. We have a very simple qualification system. But the real training happens during the job. During the first week, that’s when you get to dance, get to work, and get to show your… skills.
Like what skills? Having them bend down to pick things up from the floor?
Of course, of course! Bending down is hard! Lifting beer bottles is hard! Even dancing at Hooters is hard. There are a lot of proper dance steps to learn. The girls must undergo years of training to dance to Y.M.C.A.
Well it’s good that you’re helping them perfect their spelling skills.
The Fine Print
I read that in Hooters in the States, the girls have to sign off on an “acknowledge and affirm” policy that states, among other things, that “The Hooters concept is based on female sex appeal and the work environment is one in which joking and sexual innuendo based on female sex appeal is commonplace” and “I do not find my job duties, uniform requirements or work environment to be offensive, intimidating, hostile or unwelcome.” So did the girls here have to sign off on the same form?
No, not the same form, but we have a similar form with the same lines and the same conditions.
I see, and have the proper authorities called you in for questioning?
Well, part of what our crack legal team had to do was make sure that the wording was acceptable and that sexual innuendo was just part of the hazards of the job. You know, wearing shorts and a tank top can get really tough.
I’m sure it can get really tough, especially when the air conditioning is turned up and all you’re wearing is a kamiseta.
Nothing To Hoot About
Let’s talk about affirmative action. When are we gonna see a Hooters boy in the restaurant? Or maybe even a Hooters ladyboy? I hear they’re all the rage in
Um, I don’t think the shorts will allow it.
But hey, I hear they can do wonders with duct tape nowadays.
The Adam’s apple might give them away, though.
You’re such a stickler for the rules naman. Why, what’s wrong with big-busted men in runner’s shorts serving them extra-hot chicken wings?
I don’t think they can make the men drink more beer.
On the contrary, I think men will want to drink more beer to erase the image of big-busted men in runner’s shorts serving them extra-hot chicken wings.
So, Eric, after irreparably damaging your reputation with this interview, what parting words can you give the gentlemen out there who have yet to sample the culinary and aesthetic delights your restaurant has to offer?
Hooters: it’s the next best thing to breastfeeding!
I’m sure you are overjoyed that your wife lets you keep your job.
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Oh, by the way, Hooters is a real restaurant. Yes, really. It is located at Building D, San Miguel by the Bay, SM Mall of Asia.
