Ain’t that a hoot?

Hooters — a proud American institution that has snatched away the monopoly on cleavage-watch-ing from beauty pageants. 

And to think that this monument to man’s favorite spectator sport all started from an usapang laseng. Yes, that same type of usapang laseng which has led to regurgitated dinners, disfigured noses and surreptitious visits to venereal disease clinics has also led to the creation of a global fast-food franchise that elevates tactlessness and forgettable ‘70s fashion into a corporate philosophy. This is more or less (well, less) what happened, according to Eric Gutierrez, general director of Hooters Philippines. “In 1983, there were six businessmen in Clearwater, Florida, who were sitting on a beach, drinking,” he recounted. “And then they just came to the conclusion that they wanted to watch sports, eat good food, drink cold beer and be served by pretty girls. And that’s where that idea started.’” (Don’t all our conversations revolve around that, anyway? You know: about drinking cold beer.)

Much to the delight of the D.O.M.s who need to exercise their atrophying eye muscles, Hooters Restaurant at Mall of Asia not only has biologically endowed waitresses serving good food and cold beer, but these waitresses have also donned the signature Hooters girl uniform (or the lack of it. God Bless cold beer). These lack-of-uniforms consist of a white tank top (or what we know locally as kamiseta) emblazoned with the Hooters owl logo and the restaurant’s location, paired off with their famously short orange runner’s shorts, or what we know locally as “female reproductive organ shorts.” In cruder times, the Hooters shirts were pulled tight and knotted in the back to emphasize the hypnotic-looking owl eyes on the shirts. Unfortunately, this sacred knot-tying ritual has been sacrilegiously replaced by a tight white spandex shirt (And somewhere in the Florida everglades, there is a D.O.M. crying for a return to cruder times).     

So you’ve got those chest-hugging shirts and soul-exposing shirts on women of ample size. But this raises the question: What makes Hooters different from those other places where skimpily dressed ladies serve you alcohol and pulutan in the Pasay City area? Is it the fact that Hooters does not serve ladies drinks? Is it the fact that they have no aquariums? (To my three female readers: Please ask your male officemate why there are no fish in the aquarium.) Or the fact that you can eat and drink and ogle pretty women without fear that Hooters will be raided? 

Yes, it is all those facts. And more. 

But no, no, no. It is not about the breasts. Because breasts are not their specialty (Really). It’s those damn wings. The chicken wings. Those chili-hot chicken wings that sear the tongue and etch their way down your esophagus. And those crunchy celery sticks dripping with gobs of bleu cheese dip to soothe those scarred taste buds.  And, hey, let’s not even get started on those freakily addictive fried pickles.  

However, the most important fact about this establishment is that Hooters does not require proof of age upon entry (underage readers, please contain yourselves). Let me tell you: when I was a young D.O.M. who had just discovered new uses for my appendages, I was thrilled that my parents actually brought me to Hooters during family vacations to the States. And I was even more thrilled that they let me stare indefinitely at the owl prints on the women’s kamisetas without being punished. A Hooters restaurant was like adolescent Disneyland. Over here, you could take pictures of the women, greet their twin mascots, and then buy their pullout, bathroom-friendly calendars. Sigh, if only Minnie Mouse displayed more cleavage.    But enough about my disturbing childhood, I promised my mom that these are things that I would share only with my therapist. So instead, let us hear from Hooters Philippines’ Eric Gutierrez, whose chief responsibility is to make sure that all the clients “watch sports, eat good food, drink cold beer and be served by pretty girls.” Eric single-handedly (and sometimes with two hands) evaluated all of the girls prior to their full employment. Eric’s wife is still trying to find a surgeon who can remove the pleased look plastered onto his face. (And give him a lobotomy while he’s at it).

Tactlessness comes to the Philippines

RJ Ledesma (a.k.a. Wingless): Just how did you acquire the international Hooters franchise? Was there a certain baseline level of depravity that you had to demonstrate? How many virgins did you have to sacrifice? And did you find any sacrificial virgins?

Eric Gutierrez (a.k.a. Wingman): Well, we didn’t have to go as far as getting a virgin. Maybe a cow or two.

But were they virgin cows?

The franchise holders of Hooters were very excited to come here. The excitement made up for whatever sacrifices we had to make. Virgin or non-virgin. 

Let us talk like men who think their wives are not reading this column. Did you really bring in Hooters because of the food? Or did you really bring in Hooters because it was a great excuse to ogle half-naked women in front of your wives and children without fear of consequence? (Not that there’s a law against that, you know.)

(Whispers) Do I really have to answer that?

Only if you have a death wish.

Hoot-Hootan Na

Aside from legally permissible ogling, what makes the Hooters experience unique versus the other American fast-food chains in the country? 

(Laughs disdainfully) Well, in other places you can’t just take pictures with the girl while you are there. And here you can do that and keep on doing that. And having a big, fat stomach is actually a good thing over here.   

And why is having a big fat stomach a good thing here in Hooters? Does it qualify you to evaluate potential Hooters girls? 

It means that you’ve eaten a lot and that you’ve drunk a lot, and that you’re having a lot of fun.

I see. I thought that having a big stomach meant that the Hooters girls came up to you, rubbed themselves against your belly and said “Buddha bless.”

Believe me, there’s a lot of Buddha blessings going on in the restaurant. 

A Lotta Hootenanny

So what type of customers have you gotten here so far? Do you already have a lot of suki D.O.M.s and No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs)?

Surprisingly, we get a lot of girls.

Wow, I’m sure that the girls are surprised as well. What do the girls come here for? Do they come out of curiosity? Or for apprenticeship? Or to serve a warrant of arrest?

I think they’re here to guard the guys.

These girlfriends shouldn’t worry. Unless the guy has a big fat stomach. Well, have you gotten any complaints from radical feminist groups? Has anybody pelted you with tomatoes, rotten eggs or used sanitary napkins?

Personally, I haven’t been pelted by the radical feminist groups.

How about by your wife?

Um, It’s really more of the girls over here. It comes with the job, man. I have the happiest and hardest job. The happiest job is keeping all the girls happy. And the hardest job is keeping all the girls happy.  

God forbid the happiest job is all the girls keeping you hard. At work.

Eat at your own risk

I just have to ask, how do the male diners focus on their meal with all those owl eyes staring at them?

That’s really the point. Basically, we offer a very distracting meal where you will find the girls singing “Happy Birthday” to someone, then you see the girls dance, then you see the girls play games, then all of a sudden you realize you’ve just ordered your fifth beer.  

I never knew indigestion could be such a pleasurable experience. What sort of games do you play, and are these games sanctioned by PAGCOR?

The Hooters ladies will come up to you and challenge you to anything! They will do different things like swinging hula hoops. Then they will challenge you to mind games…

Mind games? Like what? Sudoku?

Well, they will play tricks on you, at the bar. And at your dining table. Just to see how smart you are when you’re drunk. 

You’re right, it’s probably very hard to play Sudoku when you are drunk.  

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Next column: Part two of “Ain’t that a Hoot? Is it a question of cleavage?” or: “How do you become a Hooters girl?”

For comments, suggestions or if you enjoy owl-watching, please text 2948 <text message> for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com.

Hooters Restaurant is located at Building D, San Miguel By the Bay SM Mall of Asia, Manila Bay.