Married to a miser

Is there anything worse than being married to a miser? A friend of mine claims that there isn’t. Desperate scenarios can compare, like being held hostage by bandits, running out of drinking water in the Gobi, facing nuclear annihilation, or having a malignant tumor — but these are finite, terminal situations from which one either soon expires or survives. And they all fall short of the long-drawn-out daily torment of living with a penny-pincher. “There is simply no relief,” she confides to me.

This couple is of affluent means: he, at the helm of his trading company; she, upon his insistence, a stay-at home mom. He drives a Maserati and a Mercedes Benz; she, a 15-year-old Toyota. He owns a yacht and spends a bundle on its monthly maintenance, but denies her money to buy a dress for a wedding they have to attend, insisting on her pulling something out of her closet to get maximum mileage from each article of clothing. 

He never tips even for exceptional service; it’s against his miserly religion. He invites guests only to return the favor to people who have previously invited him to dinner or parties. He doesn’t believe in giving gifts on any occasion and insists on personally choosing her presents for him. He puts her on a stringent monthly allowance, allowing her only one trip to the salon plus some “extra” (in the low thousands) for incidentals. He makes her pay for every phone call made to members of her family and personal friends. He questions her every purchase, always demanding proof. She spends at least two hours of her day filing receipts and reconciling books; the rest of it she spends worrying about going over budget.

“Why don’t you just leave him?” I ask, which seems to me the only logical recourse. “It’s not that easy,” is all she can come up with. So I figured there must, in fact, be something worse than being married to a miser: leaving him!

There obviously is a co-dependency deeply ingrained in such a relationship, making any move to alter the status quo unthinkable. To outsiders like us who are unfamiliar with the dynamics that perpetuate this kind of relationship, it seems pathetic. But there are many more like them stuck in dysfunctional unions, enslaved by the choices they have made. A wise friend, a female journalist and creative writer, says that all women who whine endlessly about their miserable states at the hands of narcissistic, philandering or abusive husbands suffer their fates because they allow it.

But what exactly lies within the soul of a miser? According to Wikipedia, a miser is a person who is reluctant to spend money, sometimes to the point of foregoing even basic comforts. The term derives from the Latin miser, meaning “poor” or “wretched,” comparable to the modern word “miserable.” The stereotype of the miser is a wealthy, greedy man who lives miserably in order to save and increase his treasure. Other stereotypes are the “thrifty” Scotsmen and the “frugal” Dutch, whose local counterparts are the Ilocanos in general and Kapampangan women in particular (as opposed to their men who are said to be spendthrifts).

The motivation for miserliness and greediness can be a strong desire to gain ascendancy, especially in money or power, or in the case of couples, over the other. In other words, miserliness is simply another measure of control over someone else. Psychoanalytical explanations in the tradition of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung link it to experiences in the anal phase within the context of psychosexual development.

 According to relationship correspondent Curt Smith, the origins of miser-y stem from upbringing:

• One’s parents harped on scrimping and saving every penny;

• One was taught that wealth and power are the only desirable things in a person;

• One was taught that the be-all and end-all of life is money; that is the source of all pleasure, security and respectability;

• One grew up in a small house with 10 brothers and sisters;

• One grew up with overbearing parents who used money as a tool for disciplining.

One of the most famous misers in history was Andrew Carnegie, the Scottish-born American industrialist who was notoriously “thrifty” until his old age, when he turned much of his fortune over to numerous charities. He was infamous for tipping a dime for services rendered, especially when a much larger tip was appropriate. Another example is Gene Burd, a 76-year-old professor at the University of Texas who walks seven miles to and from work every day, though he has donated over a million dollars to an educational foundation. He has no car, lives in a small apartment, wears shoes he found in the trash, and picks up pennies to pay his phone bill. And from literature, we can look to famous fictional misers such as Silas Marner and Ebenezer Scrooge.

The Pravda website classifies men as either misers or spenders and they ask, “Which husband is better?” But first, the classification:

Miser Man. A miserly man believes that the majority of women are squanderers and this trait is unforgivable — the worst ever, from his point of view. Miserliness remains in one’s character forever and intensifies over time. Spending money is very difficult for a miserly man — almost physically painful. He is obsessive about saving money. A greedy man may be funny but a miser is tragic!

Only a miserly woman could be happy with such a man. She will not feel wealthy, but will at least pursue a modest lifestyle. Pravda does not recommend other types of women to marry this man; even the deepest of affections will not compel him to spend money on her.

How to recognize a miser? He is orgasmic when talking about how much cash he has saved up either in the bank, under his mattress, or beneath his floorboards.

Greedy Man. Greediness means the desire to grab something valuable, enjoy it and not share it with anybody. A greedy man might buy some food and derive tons of pleasure from eating it all by himself. He drives luxury cars, wears the best Italian shoes and clothes, but will never buy his friend a drink or tip his waiter.

One can enjoy a happy married life with a greedy man only if he loves his spouse as much as himself because he won’t mind lavishing his wealth on her. If the wife is not concerned about the family’s reputation, she will get along with a greedy husband of this kind.

How to recognize a greedy husband? A greedy man and his wife are watching TV while eating expensive chocolates. There is a knock on the door; knowing that it may very well be their own child, he hides the chocolates before opening the door.

Thrifty Man. This man sets his sights on something material, then saves money to achieve his goal. He starts cutting down on other expenses and bears specific sacrifices to bring him closer to his goal. One can be happy with a thrifty husband if both of them have common purposes in life. But if he wants to do repairs in the house and she wants a vacation in Turkey there will be no peace in the house. It is impossible to live with a thrifty husband who no longer loves his wife or is indifferent to her. This man will constantly save money at his wife’s expense, denying her what she wants and needs. Over time, such treatment erodes the wife’s self-esteem leading her to believe that she deserves nothing more and is therefore sentenced to a miserable life.

 How to recognize a thrifty man? He is purpose-driven and has very disciplined spending habits. He stops buying his family presents because he wants to buy a vacation home. But he will hand his wife the keys to that house a few years down the road!

 Practical Man. He hunts down the cheapest price on every item. He has the patience to canvass and research market prices.  But he does not sacrifice quality for the sake of a bargain; instead he waits for the targeted item to go on sale. There are never impulse purchases for this kind of man. One can live in opulent comfort with such a husband. His wife’s wishes will be granted but always with considerable time delays and after much deliberation, which in most cases, is the intelligent thing to do.

How to recognize a practical man? He has tons of discount cards in his wallet but he will never say, “Let’s go to this café, I can get a discount.” He will take his partner to the place of her choice.

It is safe to conclude from these classifications that my friend’s husband is not a miser, because he does splurge on himself. He therefore falls under the greedy category: a man who has little or no affection for his wife because he obviously no longer wishes to shares his comforts with her. Should she defy him and get a job?  Should she assert herself and demand what she deserves? Should she leave him? Unfortunately, it’s often easier to settle for life with a miser than a new life with even less immediate comfort.

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Thank you for your letters. You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com or visit my blog at www.fourtyfied.blogspot.com.